Clothes. Ok, maybe not. Maybe I don’t wish he would. Maybe, just maybe…I am thrilled with the fact that he mows his lawn like, every fucking day topless. And in a little pair of boy shorts. I shit you not. And right now, I am staring out my window as I type this. And yesterday, I was staring out my window as I was Face-booking. And the day before, he was putting mulch on his bushes…and I was reading a new script. Mulch on his bushes. Haha. I’m sorry, it’s just so funny. Mulch on his bushes. Why am I laughing SO hard. But YES I was staring at him. Holy fuck. I feel like he should put on some clothes! I’m like a weirdo. A stalker. A psychopath. But really, if he didn’t want me to look at his HOT ASS body, he would clothe himself. Yes, he would.

So, here I am, once again… on this lovely Sunday afternoon, looking out my window at Naked Lawnmower Guy mowing his lawn. And I’m thinking about my life. Yesterday, Mark moved into his new digs. And he brought over 15 boxes of my old life, and dropped them in my kitchen. Wow. Really? Thanks, my friend. I spent the entire day unpacking china, and crystal. Crying. Yes, crying over the glasses and dishes we registered for over 16 years ago. For our life together, and now I’m putting it away in my little house with my boys…separated. Divorced. And I’m looking at Naked Lawnmower Guy out my kitchen window as I do it. Omg, he’s so fucking yummy. Too bad he’s married. With like 20 kids from his first marriage, and 10 from his second. And I think maybe a third. Jesus. Maybe he should get dressed! Note to self: stay far, far away from men mowing the lawn half-naked.They spread seed all over the place.

Pun totally intended.

But guess what?

I’m over Dr.McBrilliant! I am. It was easy peezy rice and cheesy. Ok, I’m lying. It was far from easy. But it’s been a few weeks, and I have stopped hurting. For real. And the truth is, now that I’m not so angry… I’m not sure I was ever really into him. I think it was more the idea of him. And yes, the fairy tale was well…just that, a pretty amazing fairy tale. He is still a good person, and I will always love him. He was my best friend. But I am over it. And I’m moving on. Been on a few super great dates. Met a great guy. But he lives at the lake, and it’s just too far! The lake? Hey Michiganders! Did you know they have a “lake” here in Charlotte? I tried to tell my “lake-living” friends here that a LAKE is a body of water that actually has real fish, and a bottom made of dirt. But they claim Lake Norman is real. So, I chuckle, and let them claim it as such. Hehe. It’s really a dam. Yup. Its man made. Oh shush-it, Charlotte! I can hear you yelling at me now, “OMG Jennifer!! It’s a REAL LAKE SHUT IT!” Ok, whatever. Have your lake and eat it too, all y’all. Then come Up North with me to Charlevoix. I’ll show you a lake. Pssht.

So, Lake Norman is like so far away. Basically like driving from Bloomfield to Ann Arbor everyday in traffic, for those of you who don’t know. It’s a fucking hike. So, I guess that’s over. Back on Match, and Tinder. And Bumble. What? I love the agony of defeat. It’s beginning to be a challenge for me, a game of sorts. Let’s see how many fucktards I can blow through before my 45th bday! Unless of course I find a good one soon. One that’s worth jumping ship for…one that takes away all this negativity and hatred for the male species. Wow. What would happen then? I mean what would happen if I actually trusted a person with a penis? Believed that all men were NOT created equally asshole-ish. What would I write about, skippin’ through the tulips? Yawn.

And really, it’s going to take one helluva guy to break down this wall. And yes, it’s not fair. And yes, my past shouldn’t be a prediction of my future, but too damn bad. It’s all I have to go by right now. And if a guy wants this heart, he’s going to have to be patient, and understanding. And willing to deal with a whole lot of Jen-shit. But I am worth it! I am. I think. I mean, I’m nuts. And cray. But I am also ready to be in a healthy, solid relationship. And not with the Naked Lawnmower Guy, either…even though he is fantasmo. The most perfect eye-candy. Omg. I swear, he does it just to toy with me. Hold on, I’m going to snap his picture. I’m sure that’s totally acceptable. Hold still, NLG…quit mowing the lawn!

So hear this, boys…I am ready! Bring your huge wrecking balls, and bust down my walls of steel! Yeesh. I didn’t really mean for it to go that way…but shit if it’s that easy. I love easy. Although, easy I am not…UGH! He really needs to put on a shirt! It’s making me loopy. And may the best man win! ;)

xo j


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