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tap.

tap. tap. tap.

I’m sitting here, at my new office.

That’s right, you heard me…my new office. Caribou Coffee.

Starbucks, sucks. I lost my internet connection like 200 times. And my most favorite Baristas are never there anymore. So, I’ve relocated.

I’m here, at my new digs…just tapping away…

You know what “tapping” is, right?

Ya know, as opposed to actually typing. Just lightly touching the keys of the keyboard. Not really pushing on them. Just tapping. Duh. What, do I think y’all are dummies? I’m fucking procrastinating. I don’t really want to blog, but it’s better than doing what I should be doing…which is writing Jonah’s Candle Lighting Ceremony. Ugh. His fucking Candle Lighting for his Bar Mitzvah party, that is in 6 weeks. It has to be done. And I just don’t want to do it. Let me explain this for my non-Jewish readers. A “Candle Lighting Ceremony” is a really super-nice way to thank the most important people in your life. Well, not MY life, it’s not my party. But Jonah’s life. It’s his party. Shit. I have to remember that. This is his party. This is not the Bat Mitzvah I never had, ok? Ok. Check it, Jen.

Anyway, the Candlelighting Ceremony is when Jonah will actually have 13 candles set up around a kick-ass cake, and these little poems for each candle…and he will invite people to come up, and help him light a specific candle in their honor! Phew! It’s kinda neat, right? And it has no Jewish significance at all, well…some people say it does. Some people say that each candle has a “meaning”. Like love, or honor, justice, or hope…blah, blah, blah. I just say, “Come on Bubbie and Zadie, get your sweet asses up here and help light candle number 3!” And I forgot, there is a SONG! A song for each candle. Like, for MY candle we might choose something like, “The Bitch is Back”.  Ha.

Yeesh. I guess I’m just a little over this part of the night. I have been the MC at soooo many parties. And I’ve seen soooo many candlelightings. I mean, I know we should have one. Jonah wants one. He’s really a sweet kid. I asked him, and he didn’t even know what it was. He’s never been to a Mitzvah before! So, I explained the whole spiel. And he was like, “Mom, it’s nice. I should have one. Now, get on it.” Great. No pressure. So, here I am, at Caribou, blogging about writing this fucking thing. I mean, how hard can it be? I’m so sure. I just have to put the words on the page. Pick the people, and the order…and the songs. I can do this. I can do this.

But this is also the most stressful part of the entire night. I used to sweat during them, when I was working parties. Ask my DJ’s. I would give them such shit if they didn’t get every little cue perfectly. It’s so much pressure! Everyone is sitting down, quietly…watching, and listening. And the dumb-ass DJ is in control of everything. And if he doesn’t cue the music correctly, then it can all go to shit. And fast. One stupid mistake, and the songs won’t go with the right candle. Or there will be “dead air”. OMG I CAN’T EVEN TAKE IT! I mean, can you even imagine if the song, “Celebration” plays for the dead relative’s Memory Candle? Can I attack the DJ at that point? Am I allowed to pummel him to the floor if he fucks that up? The answer is yes. Yes I can.

I am breaking out in hives. I have to get out of this. I just can’t do it! I mean, I’m a writer for Goddess’s sake! I can write just about anything. Why is this causing me such udder distress? Or is it utter? Shit. A cow. Am I speaking about a cow? See, I’m so stressed out. I just can’t get my ducks in a row. Or my udders. What is it? Am I afraid I’m not going to say the right thing about these people? I might hurt their feelings, or something? I might leave someone out? Or even worse, Jonah drops the microphone in the cake. Or my sister’s hair catches on fire. Or the candle drips wax onto the floor and Grandma Trish slips. OMG make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!

Or make it start…just do something. I need a drink. And another 3 months. This Bar Mitzvah thing is making me batty. Strike that. It’s making me battier. Now, I’m going to pick out the perfect song for Jonah’s big entrance into the room! Let’s get this party started….whoop whoop! ;)

xo j

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  • Japolina

    heres a little secret that should calm you down a tiny bit. I’ve been to at least 50 bar/bat mitzvahs in the past five years (my kids are 15 and 17 and we live in Miami). I’ve never really actually heard what the guest of honor is actually saying during the candle lighting at any of them. Other than my nieces and nephew’s speeches, I seriously didn’t really care, couldn’t make out what the kid was saying and/or was too tipsy to pay attention. I only paid attention at my family ones because I had to actually go up and light a candle and didn’t want to miss my cue. So relax. Your audience (well your son’s) is smaller than you think
    Visit me at http://www.japolina.blogsot.com

    • Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

      Ha! I love it…and thanks for commenting! I’m going to follow you! ;)