Tomorrow is Mark’s Birthday!

And we are getting along SO great. Wow.

Like totally friends. Like getting Best Friend necklaces. Remember those? If not, please refer back to the “Be Fri + St Ends” blog, k? I am too lazy to pull it up. And too tired to explain it. I just want to tell you, it’s all good. Me and Mark are fucking friends, ok? There. Jeez. And it’s his birthday tomorrow, and I wanted you to know. I’m not baking a cake, or singing….

But, I thought for his birthday, I would give him a shout out on my BLOG! Hooooray! A big ‘ole BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT FOR MY EX HUBBIE, MARK! Happy Bday! There. Now I’m done, and I don’t feel like I have to go on anymore, or buy him a gift. But I do have to get him something from the kids. And if you are divorced, or separated…you should do the same thing. Always. This is a great point. I’m so glad I’m segueing into it. The kids don’t have cars, or money…so as a divorced parent, it’s your responsibility to buy the ex a dang gift. Don’t fuck that up. The only one hurting in this situation is the child. Duh. I hope you see that. With that being said, I best be getting my ass up, and going to Nordstrom. I have to buy Mark a little something from the boys. Shit. Hmmm. What to get him? A tie? A watch. Nah. He has all that. A new girlfriend? YES. I will find him a girl. ha.

Everyone knows, it’s my goal in life to find Mark the “perfect mate”. And if you know me, I have always said it. If I could just pick his next wife, I would be so happy! I know exactly what I want her to be like: smart, pretty, nice to my kids, kind, and a little on the plumper side. Is that SO much to ask? I also want her to have small, saggy tits. Or really, really big fatty ones. Jeez. And hopefully, she will like ME. I want to be friends. In fact, I think it’s just easier if we can hang out. So, it’s best if she is a little rounder, and has saggy boobies. What? It’s only fair.

Anyways, I have been doing some major research lately. Kind of a “hunting and gathering”,  if you will, of information from men, on their thoughts about dating women. And I have been collecting this  info, and storing it in my brain-vault..from men all around the world!  Ok, that’s a lie. But I can’t divulge my sources. I have “people”, people. Maybe like 3 people. But I think they are good. And they have given me some strong, honest things I must share with theWOMEN out there when looking for an eligible bachelor. Now, when I say “eligible” I mean not married, ladies. Duh. Are you ready? This may sting a bit, gals. But remember, I love you. And this is all to get you a man. Trust me, I fell victim to all of these listed below, and the truth hurts. Here we go!

Uh-oh Men HATE When Women do This! 
WHOOPS!

 

  1. Do not ever pose in a picture for an online dating site, with your pet. Not a dog. Or a cat. Not your bird, or fish… or any other crazy animal. Do not kiss it, or love it up. This is not an ad for PETA, girls. You are trying to get a man. Weirdos.
  2. Do not pose with a “kissy-face”. AKA, “duck face”. Ya know, sucking in your lips? Like a loser. Ummm, yes…I know it happens to be MY favorite on-line dating pose, but I have a man. You don’t. And the men I’ve talked to HATE the anorexic-heroin-chic-sucky face. Lose the pucker-mouths, lovers. Baby Fish Mouth, is no more, the pout is out! You get my point.
  3. When posting a picture to an online dating site, do not hold the camera up high enough so that you look like you’re nose is a mile long, and your forehead is the size of Kentucky. Oye. I do it all the time. I think I look so hot. What was I thinking? I’m actually embarrassed. My DAD told me to stop, that I looked like Dolly Parton. omg. See pix.
  4. Do not chew your food like you were raised on a barn. Close your lips. And take small bites. Remember, we are still ladies! And for the love of G-d girls, chew with your mouths closed! Where is Joe Cornell etiquette class when we need it! Close your legs…and cross them! Lord.
  5. Cracking your gum. Popping, chewing loudly, blowing bubbles…whatever. Keep that wad in your mouth. That wad. haha. Get it? Just stop annoying the guy. Lose the gum. Suck on a mint.
  6. Do not post pictures on dating sites with your FRIENDS in big groups. Men have a hard enough time figuring shit out on a normal day, then you’re going to make them actually guess which bitch is you? Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.
  7. Never ever, and I mean NEVER,  post a pic of yourself in a bikini on a boat. Or a beach. Shit, do not post any picture of you half naked! You are setting yourself up for all kinds of failure. Even if that’s the best shot you’ve ever taken…you know, he will be comparing you to it forever. And if it’s NOT your best shot, then girl…shame on you. Keep your clothes on. At least until you meet him. ;)
  8. Do not ever post a pic with your brother. Or father. Or male friend, or family member. No, no…NO! A guy doesn’t want to ever think of you with another prospect, even if it is your “gay best friend from LA”. Keep the men out of your life, and in the past. It’s all better left unseen. Guys are looking to be the Kings of the Castle…cue horns. UGH.
  9. And last, but not least…talk. Make conversation. Speak. Not only when spoken to, ok? Men like to talk, yes. But they also like active listeners! I had a guy tell me that he went on a date with a girl who just said “yes” to everything he said. And finally he said, “Do you want to go home and fuck?” And she said, “yes.” Not even realizing she was saying yes. He took her home, and dropped her off. Yeesh.
WRONG! BIG ASS FOREHEAD and LONG NOSE!
Well, there we have it. Just a few of the no-no’s I’ve gathered over the past few months of my “single dome”. And let me tell you, I should write a book! Just hanging out at the bars, and in airports…at Starbucks, and with my single guy friends…I have heard it all. Next blog, I’ll get into the nitty-gritty stuff. The deep-rooted shit. The things that as women, I really think we might be missing. Yuppers. Sad, but true! It’s not about changing who we are, girls…I am sticking to that. Just maybe tweaking what we’ve already got. ;)
Oh, and Happy Birthday, Sparky…may your day be filled with all things FAB!
xo j