Ok, so I’m hurt.

Big deal. Life will go on. It always does. Nothing will kill me. Nothing. Not a divorce. Not a move. Not a break up. Nothing. Ok, getting hit by a car. That might. But nothing emotionally devastating. You get it. And me, by now…

It will just hurt for a while, and then…

It will stop.

And I will wake up, and I’ll be ok. Shit, I’ll wake up, and I will be fucking fabulous. OMG! I said the f-word. I’m so happy. I said the f-bomb. And I am back, Charlotte! It lasted all of two minutes, I changed who I was for a man, and I cleaned up my act…because I wanted to make him happy. I stopped being me, for someone else, and that my friends…is just unacceptable.

Even though he never asked me to stop blogging. Or to change my style of writing. He supported every single thing I did. I wanted to do it. I totally thought it was the right thing,  at the time. At the time. Everything happens for a reason. Puke. What a crock of shit. Nothing happens for a reason. It all happens because you choose to make it happen. It’s all about timing. And luck. And being where you are, and doing what your are supposed to be doing. We are over because I am not the one for him,  and he is not the one for me. Period. End of story. No more tears, or whining. Or bullshit. It just took us both a little longer than usual to figure it out. I’m sad. I’m upset. I wish my boys didn’t love him so much. I wish I didn’t love his boys so much. I wish we didn’t make promises to each other, and say things we clearly didn’t mean, but that is life. It’s how we felt at the time. At the time. And maybe still. I am just protecting my ego. I feel like a loser, sure. And I lost a great friend. But we meant what we said, when we said it…

At the time. Ya. I’m such a sucker for a good love story. And I swear, this one was it. If I wrote a book…this would be the best chapter. Hot, sexy…rugged, yum. Dang am I gonna miss this man. And fyi, he is off limits, ladies. But if you need a good landscape company…give him a jingle. He does by far the best work in all of Charlotte. I really think so, not just saying it. Trust me.

Trust. Weird thing, trust. I trusted him, not to hurt me. Not once, but twice. He trusted me. I trusted Mark. I trusted a lot of things in my life. Trust is a funny thing, ain’t it? I wanted to trust a man again with my heart. After Mark. Give me a break. How can I ever trust anyone again after Mark? This is clearly all his fault. Let’s blame Mark. lol. Pita Boy promised he wouldn’t hurt me, at the time. Fuck, how did he know? How could I ask him to make a promise neither of us could keep? Come on, life is so unpredictable. If I went around the rest of my life not trusting anyone, I would be alone forever. And would live in a tower. And maybe, my hair would grow long enough to let some loser climb up it one day….if I was lucky. I have this thing about me that I do. Ready? I trust way to easily. I trust until I’m given a reason not to. I think, that’s so frickin’ stupid. Maybe I shouldn’t trust anyone….until they prove I can trust them. Makes way more sense. But then what fun would that be?

You have to take chances. You have to love with your whole heart, to know if it’s right…and put yourself out there. I did that. We did that. I know, what I’m looking for right now. And it’s not another family. I have my boys, they are my life. They come first. In fact, they have always come first. Maybe even to a fault. But that is who I am. Time to get me back again. Time to work out, and get my head on straight. Time to help the guys get adjusted to the new house, time to focus on me. Time to hang with my girls. I miss my life. MY life. I want my body back! Being in love made me chubby. I swear, all we did was eat and have sex! I’m not complaining. Shit. It was the best. But you would think I would be anorexic! Lord, we musta burned like 5000 calories a session, right? ha. It’s time to learn to trust me again. Make some good choices. Learn to trust myself, and know that I can do this on my own.

I can do this. I am woman, dammit…now hear me roar.

I am strong, and confident. I can swear whenever I want to. I don’t have to go outside and hike if I don’t feel like it. I hate the outdoors. Do you hear me???!!! I don’t want to go outside and white water raft!! I want to go shopping in NEW YORK CITY AND SEE A BROADWAY SHOW! I want to get all dressed up, and wear high heels, and look hot!  Phew. I feel so much better. I want to play with a man and travel the world…and see far away places. And date. And have sex. Lots of sex. And make love on beaches, and drink wine. And laugh. And do lots of fun, exciting shiz….

On the weeks I don’t have my kiddos. Get that?

And then, in a few years…when my job is over. And my kids are a little more grown up, I wanna live Happily Ever After. Jeez, is it that difficult? Any takers? ;)

xo j