Well, this is gonna be a doozie!
So pull up a chair, all y’all…
Where to begin?
I have a hard time getting all my thoughts in order.
Are you surprised? I just have so much to say, so much to talk about…and I want to tell it all. All of it. Every last bit of bullshit that is crammed in my head, so sit tight..and hold on for the ride. Take a Tums, if you get nauseous. Dating after marriage just isn’t as yummy as I thought it was going to be. In fact, it makes me kinda wanna puke. Don’t worry, I’ve changed all the names to protect the innocent, ok? Like I would ever actually out the douchebag that told me he had a “live-in” girlfriend after we went out 3 times? Come on, Corey. I know it totally slipped your mind. I would NEVER do that. Or would I? After all, “The Truth Hurvitz” don’t it?
So, I’ve been “legally separated” here in good ole Charlotte for about 8 months. Ok, that’s a lie. It’s been …like 20 minutes, but who’s counting? In my head it’s been like 2 years. Sorry Mark, but I want to get a man after this, and I want you to meet a nice girl…settle down, and live happily-ever-after. Puke. Get the barf-bag! Focus, Jen. Pull it in. Here we go…
Ok, so… I figure it’s time to DATE.
How do you date after you’ve been married for 12 years? OMG. Like get back out there. Go out with a new man, and talk about your entire life? And my kids. And what I love to do, and listen to all his crap. Act fake. Or real. Get naked? I have scars. Jesus. All kinds of scars…emotional, and real. Can we keep the lights off? Fuck that, turn them on! I want to see what I’m looking at…after we talk for hours on end. About all the in’s and out’s of day-to-day life. Blah, blah…blahhhhh. FUN!!! omg, So fun! I am like SOOO good at that!! Bring it on! I’m like the best blind-dater ever! And when I was a slut back in my 20’s, I dated the entire world.. and I could totally rock it out! Shit. Wait, but now…I’m old. And 40-ish. And I’m a total loser. And I have no life.
But my sister Julie made me a list. A list of all the things I’m NOT allowed to talk about on a first date. I call it, my “What You’re NOT allowed to talk about on a FIRST DATE List“. Good name, right? If we could just shorten it to, NO talking about: the kids, the ex’s, or the finances. Phew. That’s easy enough. One guy I went out with actually brought a cowbell on our first date. And every time I slipped, he would ring it. Fucking loved that. Takes a huge set of balls to pull that off with me! Note to self: liked that boy. I really did. Funny is good. But is funny good enough? Guess not. He dumped my ass. He just didn’t “get me”. Or that’s what I told myself. And do you think it didn’t hurt? I forgot what “breaking up” felt like after 12 years of marriage. Fucking sucked. But after a divorce, nothing hurts. Shit, it was easy in comparison. I could take anything after what I’ve been going through. So listen up “Cowbell guy” I’m just fine. I will survive.
So, my girlfriends have started to name the guys I’ve gone out with, hence, “Cowbell guy”. We talk in code. One guy was nice enough to tell me he had genital warts. So we call him “Wart Boy”. I am chuckling. That was so kind of him, was it not? I’m sure my girls are dying right now. Lord knows, I am thankful for his honesty. WHAT THE HELL? Like I was going to go out with him after that? Like, “Oh Corey, thank you so much for sharing, (pun intended) can we go out next week?” Are you high? I think every new divorcee should get the HPV shots. Just putting it out there. I’m not a doctor, but I do think I am. And I think all women should respect their bodies. After all, we are all Temples of God. I’ve clearly been living in the South for far too long. Bless.
And do you kiss on the first date? Do you put out? Do you pay… do you drive your own car? What do you do! Who has a book about this crap? Should I wear my good thong, just in case, or my shitty one… so I don’t look like I was “trying too hard”? Or maybe I should shave my legs, I mean for the love of Goddess… I need to shave, right? And what if he has food in his teeth, do I pick it out? I would tell Mark, I would! But not some guy I don’t even know. And I am not shy, I tell it how it is! If I hate you, I am not staying. Life is too short, I’m fucking 41 with 2 kids, and now I can be picky. I need to take my time. I am sweating even typing this. I just want to have FUN. I want to be happy. And enjoy some one’s company. Stress-free. And at 41, I’m not changing who I am. This is it, take it or leave it.
Why is life so flipping hard? Isn’t dating supposed to be more exciting than being married? I kinda thought that was the point of all this…trying to find a guy who I get along better with than my ex? Am I the only one that feels this way? I love this blog thing. I can rant and rant… and no one stops me…or tells me I’m annoying. Kinda nice.
To Date or Not To Date: I guess that is MY question. And I am just going to have to figure it out all by myself.
Now, who wants to go out tonight? I’m totally free…and I even have a new leopard thong! ;)