Like the craziest.
And I was so stunned, I stopped in my tracks.
Like froze, and stood there with my jaw dropped open.
Are you ready?
I heard that young girls nowadays are shaving their pubes. And I don’t mean like shaving their bikini lines for the pool. I mean like, gone. Off. Bare-naked-ladies-gone. Like, there’s a hair, and now it’s bare. Buh-bye, I am bald as a ping-pong ball. What the fuck!!?? And is that the trend? Is that what 14 year old girls are being taught? I mean, am I supposed to think that is the “norm” for 2015? Young girls, with no pubic hair. Wow. I am still in shock. Obviously, cause I’m blogging about it. And where do you think these teenaged girls are seeing these clean-shaven vaginas? Well, yes. From their Mommies. I am right, you know I am so right! It’s not like they just decided the minute they saw a hair pop up to pluck it, and keep on plucking! Come on! They went to their moms, and asked them what THEY do. And so the story goes…
Its like any other trend, or tradition that is passed on from generation to generation. My Grandma passed down her famous Lemon Meringue pie recipe to my Mom, who then passed it down to me…and now, I shave my vag. Exactly! See how that works? Omg. WTF is happening to our kids. I guess it’s the way it should be, right? Nothing should be taboo. If they are going to learn about sex, or how to manscape…it should be from us. Hell, if Jonah came to me with a pair of scissors, I would most definitely help the little fella out! Isn’t that my job as a Mom? What? It’s not. I should probably send him to Mark, right? Right. I got it. Do not help my kid manscape. Cool. Check. Back away from the boy-man. But he is my kid, omg!! What if he tries to do it himself, and cuts his…ok. Ok.
So what is taboo these days?
I mean, what can’t we do, or what shouldn’t we do? What is crossing the line…or going too far? Can you think of certain things you wouldn’t do, but maybe you know a friend that would? Hmmm. My head is spinning. Like ummm…butt-sex. Ya, butt-sex! The biggest taboo ever! I can’t even write it without laughing. I try to say it with a straight face, but I just can’t. Butt-sex. haha. It’s so silly to me. Like, why would any straight guy wanna put his penis in a girl’s stinky tushie? And when I call it a tushie, it makes it so hot, right? “Oh, baby…put it in my tushie.” Dad, I’m sorry. I hope you are not reading this. Fuck. But seriously, in college I had so many chances to get it in the ass. Guys were begging me. Trying to buy me things. Give me pot. Buy me cars. I even had a guy offer to pay my college tuition. I shit you not. I was like, are you nuts? There is no way you are putting that thing in there. NO WAY. But then, as I got older, I thought…maybe I should try it. I should not die before I try it, right? But no one wanted to do it! DANG I missed my butt-sex window! Are you kidding me? Then I got married, had kids….and got sliced from my vagina to my balloon-knot. Now, who wants to put it in my ass? Take a number. I am hot. I know it, you know it. We can do it in the butt, Bob! yikes.
Taboo. Wowza. How about that 50 Shades of Grey crap? A book filled with taboo-ish shit. Red room, green room. Whatever. Tie me up, handcuff me. Elevators, stairways. Marco, Polo! Is that our “safe word”? Whips and chains. And submissive stuff. Did you read it? Ya well, not me. I need more. It just isn’t enough for my sexual appetite. I’d much rather spend an afternoon at Sunny’s, or Dean & Deluca. That’s where the good dirt comes from. Who needs a novel to find the juicy, torrid..filthy stories? We live this shiz everyday. Just open your ears, darlings. And then…listen. Shhhhh. If you just lean in a teensy little bit closer….you can hear some really great crap. And its even better than what Christian Grey is cooking up! Its REAL. And the people are normal. Not uber hot. (I don’t know how to make those 2 little dots over the u, dammit). Or extraordinarily sexy. They are just normal, everyday people. Doing nasty things! Taboo-ish things, right under our noses. In their glass houses, from which they throw their stones. Love it.
So, we have covered, or uncovered a lot of good stuff this evening. And I think, I can honestly say…my Dad is most likely moving to another country. Maybe Jamaica, or Canada. No, not far enough. Especially after the tush portion of this entry. I’m pretty sure, he’s fine with the other stuff. But the butt-sex-talk is totally going to send him packing. Well, this wouldn’t be The Truth Hurvitz, if I didn’t well…talk about all things taboo. Oh, and getting it in the butt, Bob. ;)