It’s so quiet.
I can actually hear a pin drop.
I feel relaxed…at ease.
I am breathing normally.
The calm before the storm.
That’s right, all y’all. That’s what this is. It’s the 24 hours before the hoopla starts. Before the family arrives…before the fun begins! The CRAZY starts tomorrow, and I am ready with big guns-a-blazin’. I’ve got my Xanax script filled, my wine bar stocked…I am all set to do this. I’ve got this big ‘ole Bar Mitzvah Bitch in the bag, and I am prepared for anything and everything. My kids act like assholes, no problem! I’ve already bribed Zac. Yup, judge me. I don’t give a fuck. I told him if he behaves and shuts his little pie hole this weekend, he will get fifty bucks. That’s right. And I also told him, it’s going to be like a game. He starts with the big 5-0, but if he fucks up, it goes down…and he won’t even know it! I will just be deducting it in my head. Yes! And at the end of the weekend, he will receive his “Mitzvah Money”. Ha. Its pure genius if you ask me. Mom of the Year, for sure! I also gave him a “code word”. Ya know, so I don’t embarrass him in front of everyone. If he is starting to act like a vilde chaya, I will simple look at him and say, “Peach Milkshake”. And he will know he has lost money. Oh, and vilde chaya is Yiddish for “a rambunctious or wild person”. Give it a whirl at your next family function. [vill-da chi-ya] Not chi like in tea, but “ch” like in Challah. Like you’re clearing your throat in the morning. Oh forget it.
I’ve got flip-flops if my feet start to hurt. I’ve got Advil for my head. And ear plugs for Jonah in case the DJ decides to blow us out of the room. I have covered all my bases. I am ready for anything. Come on! Hit me. Throw any problem my way, and I will solve it. I am packed with extra panties in case my crotch starts to sweat. And deodorant, for my pits. I hate a stinky hostess! It’s going to be 98 degrees for fuck’s sake. I have an Uber taking me from the hair place to the party so I don’t have to drive in heels. I have my Mom picking up the cookies I had made in DETROIT, and flying them down. My sister had a steamer shipped to my house this morning. I shit you not, we are fucking ready! I have it all done. Done. Done. Done. I even have an extra copy of my speech. No, I have two. In case I lose the extra one. On it! Good to go.
I mean, all I have to do is show up. My party planner actually told me not to get to the party until 30 minutes before. That I should be a “guest”. A guest? Wow. I have to let go of the control. I’ve done all that I can do, and now…its time to enjoy myself. Its time to watch my baby enjoy himself. This party is going to be great no matter what kind of tablecloths we have. Or cake. Or if the napkins are lined up exactly right. Or the music isn’t cued to exactly the right spot (That will kill me). It will be a perfect weekend, no matter what because all our friends and family will be here. Celebrating Jonah becoming a Bar Mitzvah. I might even put my iPhone down for the night, and just live in the moment. No pictures from me. That’s what I hired a photographer for, right? And I have a wicked videographer. Maybe I should call him up right now and go over a few more details…especially if I’m not going to be shooting my own stuff. Do you think? I need good close ups. I’ll just scream at him from up in the Horah chair….”PULL IN TIGHTER!”
Control issues? Type A. Moi? This should be an amazing weekend. The calm before the storm, and I’m spending it with all y’all. Perfectly perfect. Look for the POST Bar Mitzvah blog next week. Have a safe and Happy Memorial Day! Oh, and wish me luck…letting go of the reins. ;)