Horses with twisty-ass horns sticking out of their heads.
All things magical…and make believe. Things that no one ever really sees, but are clearly out there, right? Mystical. Imaginary. Enchanting. We want to believe in the magic; it gives us a little glimmer of hope. That wishes and dreams can come true. Ya, ya. Whatever. Magical my ass. And what the fuck is this UNICORN crap I keep hearing about? Guys are searching all over the universe for their “unicorn”. A woman that is soooo perfect that she is like no other? They won’t settle until they find her. The one. A shining star among dim lights; the glittering diamond in a sea of pearls. Come on. You mean to tell me this chick is like a mystic creature that can’t even compare to “typical” girl? I want to puke. Someone give me a barf bag, and hold my hair. I’m gonna blow. They even have memes for this shit. And yesterday, I saw a guy post on Facebook that he is “In A Relationship with his UNICORN“. What the fuck? Honey, you just put your woman on a pedestal so high, if she falls off, she’s busting every last bone in her body. Splat, and crunch.
Who can compete with these “unicorn” type standards?
And who is in charge of creating them anywhoo? The criteria that men are actually using to find these unicornish-ladies? Is there some sort of guide with a list of attributes “all things one-horned and sparkly”? Do you buy it online, or at the Harris Teeter check out? I am just bamboozled. Is it different for each person, perhaps? Yes, it clearly must be! I mean, what you think is unicorn material for one guy, might not be for the next fella. Fuck, if a huge rack and a tight ass makes your gal all unicorn-a-licious, but a head of red-curly locks, and a high IQ does it for that guy at the office…it just has to be subjective. I can’t see a “Handbook of Unicorn Criteria” being a best seller. Whoa. Hold the phone. Maybe I am onto something here. I should write it. I am kinda good at this shit. I bet I could make a mad-list of the Perfect Unicorn-Woman. YES!
Do you think I should try it?
Give it a go?
If I was a guy, dating…right now, what would my Perfecto Unicornius look like? Oh, that is the genius and species for Perfect Unicorn. Perfecto Unicornius. Nice, right? I think it has a good ring to it. Would she be smart? Duh. And sexy? Well, double duh. And a good mom. And she would be caring, and kind-hearted. She would have a little crazy in her, but just a smidge. Cause a little bit of coo-koo is fun! And who doesn’t love fun!? I mean, all Perfecto Unicornii (I can spell it however I want) need to be fun, and funny! And they should be pretty. Or cute. And look good in jeans. And also dressed up for a night on the town…and naked. But she can have body fat. A unicorn needs to stay warm in the winter, you guys!! And I think, she could have kids…or not. But if she does, they should be her world. And her breath, and soul. That is a sexy quality for a unicorn to possess. Oh, and she should have a good set of choppers. haha. And great hind legs. I mean, what else is there? OH, she should be good in bed. And good to you. And honest. Wait, a good kisser. For sure.
Wow! There doesn’t seem to be that big of a “mystical” thing about her! Why do guys seem to be searching so hard for something that is obviously like, everywhere! I feel like I just basically described half of Charlotte! No, the world. What the hell is the big deal, you boys? I mean there are a million-gazillion Perfecto Unicorii out there…just breathe. Oh, and if you don’t mind me sayin’ this…try lowering your fucking standards a bit. And realizing that we all make mistakes. We all have little things about us that may not rub you the right way, or baggage from a prior relationship. Fuck it. Just enjoy the GOOD things about her. Don’t get all caught up in the “stuff”, just hang out and enjoy the ride.
She may not be a Unicorn, all magical or mystical. Or perfect. Or enchanting. But are you? And isn’t that a whole lot of pressure for anyone to handle? Who wants to be a fricking unicorn anyway? Lord, I’m happy if I can get my eyeliner on straight in the morning, and my ass to the grocery store with two of the same flip-flops on. Life is too short to be searching all over the world for magical horses with twisty horns. Just be happy with the girl you met on Match.com, I bet she is one awesome chick. Oh, and I bet…that “unicorn” you think you want, is a super-big asshead anyway. And she probably starves herself, and has bad breath from not eating carbs. Gross. Stick with the cool, cute and semi-puffy girls like me.
I’ll neigh in bed if you want me to. Maybe. ;)