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You’re a mean one, 

Mr. Grinch. 

You really are a heel, 

You’re as cuddly as a cactus,

You’re as charming as an eel…

Mr. Grinch. 

You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

La, la…laaa! I’m trying to make up lyrics to a new song. For me to sing when all those dang kids come-a-knockin’ on Monday. Oh, it is Monday, right? Damn this Halloween thing! I hate it. I just do. Ohhhh shut up! Don’t start sending me hate-comments and unsubscribing to my blog…I’m allowed to HATE HALLOWEEN! Jesus. You do know, it’s like the most annoying holiday ever? I used to love it. When my kids were little, ohhhhh they were so cute! They dressed up like little monkeys, or pirates. Jonah was even a pea pod one year. I mean, really? Did I actually dress my kid up like a vegetable? Yes, I did. And do you know why? So that I could then put a SNOW suit over it, and moon-boots… and drag his ass in a wagon from door-to-door, in the freezing cold…singing, “Trick-or-treat…smell my feet!” Then he would scream. OH, wait just a minute. I just remembered this! If there was a DOG at any of the houses, Zac would literally lose his guts. Yes, he would. He was like 4, and petrified of dogs. He would get to the door, and knock…already shaking…and see the tiniest-kick-me dog. Then, he would start shrieking and run down to us. Crying, and yelling…”A dog!!!”

Who doesn’t love Halloween?

I can’t take it. I remember when Jonah was like five he only wanted BLUE candy.

You heard me. He only wanted blue-colored candy. I shit you not.We were walking around the streets of Birmingham, and watching poor Jonah asking, “Ummm, hi. Excuse me, but do you have any BLUE candy?” Of course the person would say no. Because who has blue candy? Like do they even make blue candy on Halloween? Blue what? Omg. Fuck my life. Someone find me some blue flipping candy! I swear to Goddess by the 10th house, I was done. There wasn’t enough Xanax in my candy bag, or wine in my sippy cup to save me. My little guy was spent, and I was exhausted. I remember looking at his sad face, and saying, “Baby, I’ll get you all the blue candy you want tomorrow, ok?” And picking him up and putting him on Mark’s shoulders. Blue candy. I’m laughing so hard right now, thinking about it. Between the dogs, and the missing shade of blue…I couldn’t wait for the shit to be over.

So, this year…as of now, I don’t even have a pumpkin. I know, I’m totally a Grinch. The boys are “too cool” for pumpkins. Last year, I made a whole graveyard on my front lawn, and hung dead people from my porch. Jeez. They kinda suck, right? We carved pumpkins, and made yummy seeds. I even got all dressed up for a big party I was invited to. I was Naughty Sandy from Grease. Duh. Who wants to be Prissy Sandy? She’s so lame. I was the Slutty Sandy, with the leather pants, and the red stilettos. It took me like 3 bottles of Aqua Net to get my hair up high enough to look the part. (see pic!) Oliva Newton-John would have been so proud. I did that bitch right. Dang, I’m kinda sad I’m not doing Halloween this year. I was even gonna “make” cookies yesterday for the boys. Ya, know the ones with little ghosts and sprinkles.  You crack em and put them 1/4″ apart on a cookie sheet, then put them in the oven on 350 degrees. For 8-10 minutes. Oh, ya. You know how to “make” them, too I guess.

Well, I am sad.

Fuck those kids. They don’t even want to buy costumes, or anything! I was in line at that damn Party City for like three hours last year, trying to get exactly what those little rat-bastards wanted! And this year, you know they’re going to ask me on Sunday night to go out and help them find something. You know it! Hmmm. I better get a plan B. Or even a plan A!  I can’t be the Grinch that stole Halloween, for Goddessake! I need to get into the Halloween spirit. I did eat my weight in Snickers, does that count? The little bite-sized fall colored ones, with the autumn words on them. Like, “hayrides” or “leaves”. Like eating a Snickers that says “pumpkins” makes it any less caloric going down? Yeesh.

I have four days to get my shit together, huh? I better get a move on…and decide what I’m going to wear, and do! Get some candy for the kiddies. What I’m gonna decorate with, and where I’m going to get my pumpkins. And I best do it fast, cause Goddess only knows, by Saturday, Target will be fully stocked for flippin Thanksgiving. And boy do I fucking HATE Thanksgiving! All those Turkeys getting killed, and the carbs….and the lines at the stores….and the….hehe. ;)

Happy Halloween, all y’all! 

xo j