I so wish I was kidding.

I think I’ve written about this before, and now…I’m writing about it again. I just have to do it. I’m so pissed. At myself. Wait, fuck that. I’m pissed at my hormones. And my ovaries. And I’m pissed at my uterus! I swear to Goddess, every 28 days, like clockwork…I could kill someone. Ya, you heard me. I could literally stab a person. The little twit at Starbucks today who almost ran me over racing to her parking spot. I literally got in a fight with her. I was behind her in line, and I said, “You do know, life is too short to be such a fucking bitch.” And the West Elm supervisor who just happened to take my call. I verbally abused her because she wouldn’t take my shitty-ass couches back, fully knowing they’re a final sale. Or how about the guy I was dating last week. Oh, ya. We broke up on Saturday. He totally watched my head spin around and green shit come spewing out of my mouth. I think he’s still crying. I scared the fucking shit out of the poor man. All because of my fucking menstrual cycle.

But it’s not like I didn’t warn him.

I did…

Oh, by the way, Mr. Definitely Different, I have the WORST effin’ PMS EVER.

Yup.  I told him. But did he listen?  Nope. I should come with a disclaimer. *CAUTION: This woman will be a fucking cunt once a month but only for the three days prior to bleeding*. Ya. I should have that on a tag attached to my ass. Well, I should. But I’m honest, and upfront. I even went as far as to tell him we shouldn’t see each other the three days before my period! I explained my “condition”which really is real. PMDD is a REAL THING! You guys need to Google it up, and HEAR my words. It causes some women to go bat shit fucking cray. And honestly, I am one of those women. Mark will tell ya, we used to plan our vacations around my PMS. We even planned our wedding around it…I wish I was lying. But alas, I am not. PMDD officially sucks.

But guys don’t want to listen to women, or try to understand our hormonal surges. I guess why should they? I mean, it’s not their fucking problem. Or is it? If they care about me, and I am a total twat 3 days a month…I guess they should TRY and be sympathetic to what I’m dealing with, right? Or at a least stop flippin’ pushing my buttons, or starting up with me…when they know I’m PMSing? Jesus fucking Christ on a popsicle stick! Why in the name of Aunt Flow would any decent man want to rile me up the day before I get my fucking period? WHY WHY WHY?? Whoa. Let me take a breather. It’s obvious that I need to take a look-see at the calendar…

I actually count. One, two…twenty-six. Twenty-seven…twenty-eight…BINGO! And I see BLOOD! And I am telling you the minute, no…the second there is a drop in sight…I am normal again. Sanity returns. My face goes back to normal. I feel like myself again. I don’t want to kick anyone’s ass, or swear at my children. I just am my good-ole-happy-go-lucky self! Yippee! And its like the last 72 hours never even happened! Hmmm. But they did. And I’ve left this path of destruction. And I might have said mean things. Or acted impulsively. Or made stupid decisions I just never would have made if I was hormonally balanced. Yeesh. And I kinda hate it. I hurt Mr. Definitely Different’s feelings. And he hates me, for sure. And he thinks I’m a crazy freak, but I’m not.

I am so not. And I know I explained to him what was going on. And I know I begged him to please stop arguing with me, it wasn’t a good time. And I know I wanted it to all just end. I did. I tried. But I couldn’t once it started… it just spiraled out of control. One, stupid thing after another… dammit. And then, it was too late. I had said the dumbest shit. And he tried to “give me space” but at that point, really? And this morning, I woke up bleeding like a stuck pig. TMI? Ha. Y’all are funny. I know some of you newbies are like, “Is she kidding! DID SHE JUST TELL US SHE GOT HER PERIOD?” Yes, dumb bunnies. I did. And this is my blog, and I can say whatever the hell I want.

I even texted him. I did. I told him I got my period. Not like it mattered. But it made me feel a little bit better. Kinda like an “I told you so”. Why can’t y’all just believe me before it’s too late? Why can’t I just lock myself in my room the 72 hours before I start to bleed? haha. Omg I am dying over here. This one was fun. Not funny. But fun. Cathartic. Thanks for letting me vent.  Now, tomorrow I’m leaving for Detroit…going home. Taking a break, ok? No blog for a week or two. So, go read about someone else’s cycle.

And I’ll let you know when I take a shit, via Facebook. Ha. ;)

xo j


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  • Bryan

    Has anyone ever thought of starting a website called “Bat Shit Crazy Warning Calendar”?

    Woman could subscribe to the site. It would make public the menstrual cycle of millions of women. This type of strategic information could prevent futile arguments, hurt feelings, broken relationships, divorce, murder, World War’s, etc. Once you’re a member you could give access passwords to the men in your life who would benefit from this information.

    The site charges a monthly fee to the guys. Over time, it would also show menstrual cycle trends. Maybe during spring and summer it’s not exactly 28 days and it’s more like 27 (that means one less day of sanity!!). Maybe it’s longer than normal in the summer and the “Bat Shit Crazy Zone” last for 4 or (God forbid) 5 days prior to her period.

    Men could even have a “Bat Shit Zone Alert” sent to their phones as a reminder to:

    – admit you’re wrong even if you’re not
    – get out of town
    – stay away as long as possible with commitments made well in advance because the calendar warned you of the impending doom.
    – send her flowers
    – shoot yourself before you say something stupid.

    Anyway, it could also have a spin-off secondary App which attaches to a “watch” that she wears. It would electrically shock her when she doesn’t realize her head is twisting beyond 180 deg and she is spewing vomit 40 feet in every direction. Nothing that would burn her wrist… Something that resembles what would happen to her if she stuck a knife in a wall outlet… Just enough to wake her up from her demonic possession.

    I think I found the CURE!!!

    • Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

      LOLOL!!! I just laughed so hard…omg.