img_0954Scissors, check.

Tape, check.

Paper, check.

Bows, and ribbons, check…

My sanity?

Ummm, lost that today at Target in aisle 2o-something…when deciding which Christmas PEZ dispensers to buy. Shoot me now, people. I am not a sane women. Just put my ass out to fucking pasture, and lay this shit down. Today at Target I was so completely overwhelmed in the Christmas area, I left. But my cashier gave me a chocolate Christmas Tree! That was really nice. I must have looked like a hot mess. Otherwise why the tree? Thanks, Target checkout-person, you made my guest experience extra-special. Yeesh. Why are the holidays so dang stressful? What’s with all the hustle, bustle…and crazy? I think we all just want to make them perfect for our families, am I right?

Well, whether you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah….

Whether you have a tree, or a menorah…

Whether you party one day, or eight craaaazzzzy nights…

We all have one thing in common. We all WRAP PRESENTS.

Yes, the evil deed of wrapping the gift. The mundane act of taking an item and covering it with colorful paper, just so Little Bobby can rip the fucking shit off and throw it in the trash! HOOORAYYY! What the hell? I am at a loss. Seriously? Who was the dumbass that came up with this idea? I have been sitting here for hours wrapping presents, and I want to cry. You would think by now I would have a method to this madness. I would at least know how to do it correctly. An easier, more efficient way. It’s been at least 20 years of wrapping gifts! Why the fuck can’t I just get it right?

First there’s the wretched-wrapping paper itself. I put the object on the paper…upside down. I finally learned that little trick recently. I call it the “upside down object trick”. Ya. Then I measure out how much of the $25 paper I’ll need, to cover the Legos I bought for $3.99. And of course, I know I’ve got this part right. I have done this a million times before! I take out the scissors, (that were across the table, btw) and cut that bad-boy straight across….riiiipppp! Yes! What a beautiful sound. I pull it taught and meet the two sides in the middle…but omg. OMFG! There is a gap the size of the equator between them and the object is exposed!!! FUCK NO! How can this be??? You asshole. (not you, me) I feel so stupid. I bow my head in shame; Santa’s Elves plotz.

What a shonda.

Do I cut a new piece and start over?


I grab my jingle balls, cut another strip of that paper, shove it between the two sides, and tape it all together! Ok, well…It doesn’t exactly look great. But who cares! It’s strategically placed on the back. Thank Goddess for small favors. Yes! I’m back in the game. Sweating at this point, I go to the ends, and realize I have a bit of excess paper. Well, more like a lot. Dammit. No problema. A little trim. But I remind myself that the extra paper will be wasted. Shit. It’s never big enough to use, even on the smallest of gifts. Why is this happening to me? I’m a good person. Did I do something in a past life to deserve such gift-wrapping dilemmas? Such an internal struggle, yet I make the cut. I gasp, as the paper falls to the wayside, never to be heard from again.

I turn the gift, and do the super-end-foldy-thingy then reach for the Magic Tape, because of course the normal Scotch tape isn’t good enough….and whilst holding on to the paper with one hand I try rip the tape off…and bam! It sticks to itself! FUCK. I’m sitting there with one hand holding the paper perfectly pulled up on the box, but I have no tape to use…because it’s stuck to my thumb in a tiny ball of unusable shit! Why do you despise me so, Mr. Magic Tape? I am just trying to wrap a few dang presents! I flick the little boogar-tape wad off my thumb, and try it again. Success! Finally, it’s done.

After struggling through a few more, I finally get smart..and go back to Target. And guess what I buy? GIFT BAGS! And tissue paper. But I feel kinda guilty. Is that weird? Like a gift bag is a cop-out of sorts. Am I less of a woman for going the bag route? Are gift bags and tissue for pussies? Why do I feel so remorseful, yet relieved at the same time? Who gives a flying reindeer if I put the shit in a bag?? Are my kids going to be less excited when they open it? Oh, well… maybe they will. But fuck em. If they give a crap what I wrap their presents in, too bad! It’s easy, and fast…and obviously made for people with gift wrapping issues.

So, no matter which holiday you are celebrating this season, ENJOY! Don’t stress, and laugh lots. Happy wrapping, and Godspeed. Now, I’ve got more gift bags to buy, and paper to return. So, this my friends, is a wrap! ;)

xo j



Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,