Don’t talk.

Or laugh.

Don’t make eye contact…

Or move.

C’mon on!

Am I really that bad?

Shit. Don’t answer that, you two. I already know the answer. You hate me. And every thing I do. Everything I wear. Everything I say. What could I possibly have done wrong this time, you ask? Oh, I drew breath. I have reached the spot that all Mom’s dread in their children’s lifetime. I am no longer the cool-Mom. Or the Kool-Aid Mom for that matter. Hell, I’m not even allowed out of the house. Omg, kill me please. I have become…


The Mom that my kids love to hate. And fuck do they ever! They say the most wicked things one-second, and they are loving on me the next. Its like someone is playing a really cruel joke. I was never this bad. I never acted like this, and I surely didn’t talk to my mother this way! Someone turn down the hormones, and pump them will Happy Pills…or I’m not gonna make it past the 7th Grade! It’s bizarre, really. I’m not quite sure what kind of kid I’m going get each day. I’m just happy if no one calls me a douchebag before 9am.

Tonight, we went to one of those Hibachi places. Ya know where the little Asian fella makes the food in front of you? And he does the whole spiel with the fire-onion-train  and the choppy-knifes? Ya, ya. Well, I like to be nice, and give him my full attention! It’s not easy doing all that cooking for an audience of assholes. Jesus. I like to clap at his “Nemo-on-fire” trick…and give him the positive feedback he deserves! Come on, the guy can barely speak English. So Zac sits down next to Jonah…and says to me, “Mom, do not make a scene here. Just eat your food. And be quiet.

Ummm, wow.

Speak when you are spoken to, Jen. From my 11-year old. So I ask him, can I clap when the guy is done cooking? Is that ok, Zac? I mean, fuck…can I give the fucking guy a little clapper-roo? It was rhetorical. I didn’t really NEED Zac’s opinion, ok? But Zac looks at Jonah, and then…they actually discuss it! Like they have a fucking CDD on whether or not I can give the cook a round of applause! OMG are these kids kidding me? I need permission? So, they get done talking and both look at me. Then Jonah says,”Well, Mom…we think it’s ok. But just a small clap, don’t overdo it.”


I am done. These two have just put me over the edge.  I swear, this can’t get any worse. It’s just been a really loooonnggg summer. School starts on Monday, and then they will calm down. The fangs will go away, and the horns will sink back into their heads. My babies will come back, and all will be right in the world. I can just feel it. I must hold on…

I must realize they are worried about starting school, and stressed about the changes that are coming with the new year. And the uncertainty of me starting school. I’m starting school! That has got to be freaking them out. They have always had me home, and at their disposal. I know, they’re nervous. And worried that I won’t be around if they need me. Change is hard for everyone, especially kids. And I need to remember they are just that, kids. At 11 and 13 I need to cut them a little slack. Even if it means taking some of their stress out on me. I mean, isn’t that what being a Mom is all about? I’m pretty sure it’s in our job description, and I’m good with that. I’ll just drink more wine.

My Mom always tells me, when kids start acting the worst…it means they are looking for more attention from their parents. She was a first grade teacher for 20 years, so I think I believe Grandma Trish. Its like they are reaching out, and maybe just don’t know how to say it. So, I am going to post this blog. And go play one more game of Monopoly with my Devil-children. Then, we are going to have movie night. And then…I’m going to clean their mouths out with soap. ;)


xo j


Happy School Year 2015-2016 all y’all!  





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