Do you know how hard it is to be this happy, and not be able to tell you why?
It’s like torture.
The fucking worst.
Especially for a chick like me.
I mean, let’s be real…cause I am all about keeping it real. I have ummm, well…I have like the biggest mouth on the planet. Duh. I mean, do I not write this blog? Do I not spill my guts three times a week for 20,000 people to read? Shit. I have no filters. I tell everyone everything about me. ME. Let me just say that upfront. I don’t share other people’s crap. I really don’t. I’m like a vault. Really! I can keep a secret for a lifetime! Seriously, I take shit to the grave….I do!! Waterboard me. Do it. I won’t break. What, too soon? Well, when it’s about me, my life…I am an open book. I mean all ya’ll know what my vagina looks like, for crying out loud. When I go on hot dates. When I have sex. You even know when I get my flippin’ period. We are close. Really, close. I feel like we are besties. We should all have BFF necklaces. OMG. That is the best idea ever. I’m going to make The Truth Hurvitzbracelets! Yes. Like the “What Would Jesus Do“, but What Would HURVITZ Do!! WWHD! haha. omg. I am dying over here. I am so dumb. I’m sitting in Sbux, totally doing that out-loud-laughing thing. And all the people are looking at me like I am on something. But, could you just die? WWHD. I love it. My blog-buddy Rachel Silver Cohen, she has tank tops. She is ridiculously talented. And she’s into all that yoga-shit, so tanks are a perfect choice for her. But me, I need to do shiny-lip glosses, or vibrators. The Truth Hurvitz vibrators! If you are the 100,000th reader, you get a free Truth Hurvitz Vibrator! Whoop Whoop! Well, maybe not. WWHD bracelets it is! yes. And if you want a kick-ass tank top…go check out Rachel’s blog. go. Silver Unpolished. It’s fab! And she’s hot. Just sayin’.
So, anyways, not being able to share all the great stuff that’s happening in my life is just killing me. I need to be cryptic. And mysterious. Give you hints. And clues. In hope that you can just read between the lines. Feel the happy radiating from the screen! Pick up the vibe I’m laying down! Yes, I just said that. I am 42, and Jewish. I sometimes wish I was 25, and a Fly Girl. Dammit, a girl can dream. Have you seen me throw? Stop. Hurvitz-time. But can you pick it up? The vibe, y’all. I mean, COME ON, you guys!! I am writing with a little skip in my text. Right? Fuck. You don’t get it do you? Do I have to spell it out? I feel like a teenager, with a new crush. I wanna sing into my hairbrush, and dance to Fergie! I AM JUST FLAT-OUT LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!! You know what I’m trying to say, right?
I have to tell you. I’m going to do it. I can’t hold back for one more second. I hate when people do this shit to me. They act like their “news” is such a big fucking deal. SO much more important than everyone else’s. Like their news is bigger, or better….juicer. More exciting. And then they hype it all up. Drag it all out…go on, and on…and on about it. Play 20 questions. Make you guess what it is. “Ok, if you guess what it is, then I’ll tell you if you’re right.” What a crock of shit. What if I did that to you guys? How rude would that be? I’m sure half of you have already jumped to the end of this entry to see what the “big announcement” is anyways. Ya know, the same people that read the last chapter of a novel before you even start it. Just in case you die. I get it. And I actually do that. In case I kick it. Is that normal? Yeesh. So, I’m just going to tell you why I’m so happy. Ready? go.
I am in a new relationship. YYYYEEAAAAHHHH!!!!
I have a new thing going. And it’s making my heart race. And flutter. I can’t breathe. I check my phone like 20 times an hour. I love it. And it takes my mind off of everything else. It’s not new, but we just met. And so far….we are getting along just swimmingly! I just wish I knew how to work the parts a little better. A little confusing, and frustrating at times. I can’t seem to figure some of it’s shit out! But it’s the COOLEST thing, in the world! I can’t even believe what’s going on…have all y’all used this Twitter thing? It’s like the best. I had 250 followers yesterday, and today I have almost 420! And Tim Hortons is following me! Tim Hortons! haha. I am being followed. Stalked. Do you know how good it feels to be wanted? I’m wanted by 420 followers. Why, I have no clue. But who gives a shit! They are tweeting, and twitting…and twatting ME! It’s an instant rush, an addiction. I’m trying to get as many of these stalkers, I mean followers…as I can. I get “favorited”, and they “retweet” what I tweet. I am in heaven. This new relationship is for the birds. But I have never been happier. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Yay…so thank you, Followers, for following me. I feel loved. And a tad bit weirded out.
Twitter + Hurvitz = #truelove #loveatfirstsight [email protected]
Oh, my bad. Did I lead you on? Did y’all think I was in a relationship-relationship? ooohhhhhh!!! I am so sorry. That was kinda shitty. I didn’t mean to imply that I was in love. Or that I had a boyfriend. Shit. But I am. I’m such a tease. ha. I am totally, and completely in love. And in lust. I’m happy. And it’s not just from the tweeting. Although, the Twitter is giving me pleasure, my new man giving much, much more. Yum. I think I might have found my Mr. Big-ish. But for now, I’m going to keep him all to myself. All mine, dammit. See, the last time I fell “in love”, or at least thought I did… I shared the guy with my blog-world. And it was fine. But this time, no can do. Well I can do, and I will do…my Mr. Big-ish. But all y’all will just have to use your vivid imaginations. Gross. Go think about someone else doing it! Stay out of my bedroom. I am going to be keeping my private life, well…private. I’m going to try to keep it private. Let me at least give it a shot, ok?!
You all know, I won’t be able to keep quiet for long, and I’ll end up letting you into our “world” every now and then. To fill you in on any life-altering events. I mean, it’s close to impossible not to put it on a blimp! Or write it in the sky. Or use one of those ticker-thingys at a sporting event. Listen, go big, or GO HOME! I simply adore this guy. And I’m pretty dang sure he digs me, too. I guess it’s a good idea to read the last chapter of the book first, huh? It’s actually where the GOOD stuff happens. The “Happily Ever Afters”, and the happy endings. Ok, ok…get your minds out of the gutter. And I’m sorry for being such a tease. I just had to do it! Now that is hilarious. Me…a tease? Priceless.
So, are we all on the same page now? I know I feel much better, now that my secret is out. It’s a new year, filled with new adventures…and new doors to open. Care to come along for the ride? Jump on, but you’ll need a ticket. Or a bracelet! Coming soon…WWHD. Or, if you would prefer a Truth Hurvitz Vibrator…send me a tweet. #PlayWithHurvitz ;)