I am done.
Done with Match.com.
Done with J-Date.
Done with anything that has a penis.
Ya, I know, I’ve said it before. And I’ll probably say it again…and again.
But I am totally over it all, for now.
Damn fucking guys. I swear, they are all so full of shit! The last one I went out with, had a girlfriend. True story. While he was on a date with me, his poor girlfriend was at home…doing the dishes. Probably thinking he was at the mall, buying her a nice pair of fuzzy slippers for Christmas. Or a slinky nightie. Or a new blender. Asshole. He was hanging out with me, being all fun…and witty, and yummy. And I was loving it. Sucking all the bullshit up with a straw, while that stupid-twinkie was home, just siting there. Watching re-runs of Sex and the City, and planning her wedding. Jesus. What a loser. Him, not her. She is a fool. With a CAPITAL F-O-O-L. Fool. Him, loser. Her, fool. Me, done. Done with a fork in me. Dammit.
Which leads me to this question…
Are you a penguin?
Don’t stop reading. I’m as serious a bad case of herpes, y’all. Just hear me out. Stay here, and listen. I was just told, that Emperor Penguins are the ONLY species in the entire Universe that are serially MONOGAMOUS. Yup. You heard me. They are. I Googled it, and it’s true!! Believe me if you want. Or just go with it, and shut the fuck up. Penguins only have ONE mate…and they stay faithful to her. OMG!! How dang cute is that? So sweet. I love it. I want to date a Penguin! Actually, when I was little….we adopted one at the Detroit Zoo. You can do that, you know? Adopt a bird. Or any animal you want. I think. Anyways, I digress…what I want you to ask yourself is…
Are you a fucking PENGUIN, or what? Ya know, are you capable of being monogamous?
Cause listen, guys. I happen to know that is like physically impossible for you to keep your dicks out of a vagina. And I also believe that if you are not in your partner’s puss, then you will find another puss to put it in. Wow. Say that 5 times fast. And yes, I just said that. And yes, I believe it to be true. Men need sex. Penguins need sex. Human beings need sex. Duh. It’s just how we are wired. But the question I’m asking today is, can we as HUMANS actually have sex with just ONE person for our entire lifetimes? Ok. I’m putting it out there, because I know you have asked yourself the same question. Don’t lie. Admit it! I mean, really! Are we Penguins, or not? I say no flippin’ way. My opinion. My blog. My first amendment right. Freedom of Speech. ha. Now, I do think, there are people out there that are “penguins”, sure. They actually take their marriage vows seriously, and sleep with the person (or penguin) they are assigned to. I’m sorry, that was harsh. The person they picked. And I commend them. You are amaze-balls. And you get a prize. What’s the prize, you ask? Well, Bob, the prize today for staying faithful to your partner is….
The person you love for all eternity. And a whole lot of respect from the rest of us. Kudos. Props. And dammit, I think that’s quite a prize. And I mean that with total and complete sincerity.
But some of us aren’t so lucky. Some of us are just born to stray. I actually read an article that said there is a gene for cheating. A cheating gene. Like a gene for blue eyes? Or a gene for hammer toe. Or, like a gene for red hair. Which in less it’s on a girl, might as well be hammer toe. It’s actually found in WOMEN. Men, you’re safe…for now. This gene affects how women process oxytocin, What is oxytocin, you ask? It’s the “cuddle chemical”, and it gives us what we need to be affectionate with our partners. It’s the hormone associated with LOVE AND BONDING! OMG you guys, that is it!!! I need more OXYTOCIN so I can be a better PENGUIN!! Thank you Huffington Post, you just saved me like 10 years of therapy. Where can I get this oxytocin shiz? Can I spray it up my nose, or sprinkle it on my cereal…or better yet, can I slip it in my new guys coffee when we meet on our next Starbucks date? Holy shit. I am missing that A-allele gene. That explains everything. Check please!
Could you even imagine? hahaha. On my next Match-date, the dude gets up to go take a piss…and I pull a vile of “love potion” out of my purse. I pour it into his drink, kinda like a roofie! But it’s all natural, and homeopathic. I sound like an infomercial. Wait, don’t they have this shit already? Can’t I just eat oysters. Or watch porn? NO, it’s a hormone imbalance. And I think…everyone must be affected. Yes. Cause Mark couldn’t stand me. He never wanted to be near me. He said I made his skin crawl…And there is NO WAY it was because I was a total douche bag! He must have been a little feminine, and carried the gene for anti-cuddling!! Hmmmm. lol. I am going to hell. You do know that, right?
So, I was lunching with one of my best girlfriends, and she asked me, “Is cheating like the new thing these days, or what?” And I seriously answered, “Yes”. I swear, every time I turn around…some one is fucking someone else. Or this one is having a threesome with that one. Or he is sleeping with her stylist. Or she is doing his best friend’s, brother’s…sister’s babysitter. And really, I don’t think anyone is even surprised anymore. Really! Are you? When you hear about your friend that got cheated on? Do you even react like you used to 10 years ago? Not me. It just seems like everyday stuff. Sad. But so true. And I think, my generation is just used to getting everything we want. We are so fucking entitled. Things aren’t worth working for, including our marriages. Or our relationships, we give up too damn easily. Move on for the next best thing. The BBD. The bigger, better.. deal. Well. what a crock of shit. You think it’s any better on the other side, with someone else’s crap? It’s the same crap, different person. Blah. Blah….blah.
Hey, I’m not saying stay in a shitty marriage. Hell, life is too short. But if you once had a “penguin”, and it’s a relationship worth saving…maybe you can clean up the cage. Pick up some penguin-poop. Pop some oxytocin, and go to therapy? lol. You get the gist. And look, this is just one woman’s opinion. I know I’m not perfect. Hell, I’m not even close. But I will learn from the mistakes I made in my marriage. I’m finding me some of that “cuddle chemical”, and I’m going to inject it into my veins. Then, I’m going to give it to my next boyfriend…and lock him in my house, for all eternity. And he will be mine….all mine!!! (maniacal laugh….maniacal laugh!)
And you know what? It’s going to be Happy fucking Feet when I’m done, if it’s the last thing I do. Happy Penguin Feet. ;)