school

 

back to school It’s rainy.

And gloomy…

Pretty gross out today.

Perfect for driving.

NOT. So, of course…I’m only that much more freaked out as I watch Jonah drive away in the Prius with the STUDENT DRIVER sign on the top. Oh fuck. Not only do I officially have a kid old enough to be driving, in two weeks he’s starting high school. I can’t stop crying. In fact, I haven’t stopped crying for days.

I’m filled with so many emotions.

But why?

Is it because Jonah is growing up so fast, or that I am? 

I

have

no

words…

Ok, I have a lot of words. But you wouldn’t understand them if I said them. Unless you are a doctor. Or a nurse. Or you have some kind of medical background. Or…if you’re in my class right now trying to be a Certified Medical Assistant. I can’t even believe I made it through the first four days of school alive. No…fuck that. I can’t believe the people around me made it through my first week! This “program” is the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life. I need to drop out. In fact, I tried to yesterday! I went into the Dean of Admissions, and I told her I was done. Yes, I did. I simply told her that this was a nightmare. And clearly, no person should ever have to learn this much information in a week. She just stood there, looking at me…this blank stare on her face. I kept talking, and talking…getting all up in her shit. All hyper-verbal..oh, /hyper/ happens to be one of the “suffixes” that I have to learn for my exam tomorrow. Oh wait, it’s a “prefix”. Shit. Well, duh! Hypertrophy. Hyperglycemia. Hypertension. Hyperhurvitz. I have to go study. I clearly do not know my stuff.

I wanted to kick her ass, that Dean. But instead, I told her how fab her new haircut was…and smiled. She didn’t say “thank you”. And she didn’t think I was “cute” either. For some reason, I kinda remember that crap working at MSU. I used to like, batt my eyelashes, and flip my hair, no? Dang. I forget. I’m old. And “cute” ain’t gonna cut it. Neither is throwing a big-baby fit in her office, and then kissing her ass. I am going to have to up my game. Especially since I am the oldest person in my class. I’m 42, and the same age as most of the other girl’s mothers. You heard me. And when I say I’m the oldest, I mean they call me “Mama Jen”. Oh, and I’m not only the oldest, and the only Jew…but I’m also the only white chick. Yes, I am the minority for once…

The single Divorced White Jewish Female.

Now look, I asked my “girls” if I could call them “black”. Ya, know…instead of African American, and they all said yes! So don’t you be giving me shit about how I’m all racist, and I called my new friends, black! If I’m not being socially correct, tell me. But only if you’re Black. Don’t you message me, and tell me how horrible I am, if you’re White. Or Chinese. Or whatever. Only my BLACK friends can call, and verbally accost me. And I think, I have like 5. So, if you are one of my 5 BLACK friends, and you do not approve of me calling my new classmates black, then please by all means… bring it. Actually, I’m going to make a call to Kevin Hart, or Chris Rock…or Kanye. I have a funny feeling they would tell me I’m not offending anyone.

Now, these girls are young. And smart. And they have kids. And most of them drive so far to get to school. I am spoiled, and whiny. I listen to them tell their stories, about how they leave school…and go to their jobs. And it makes me feel like a total asshole. I go home, right down the street…in my Yukon, to my couch. And they have been taking care of me all week. They even told me I could pray with them before our test tomorrow…even though I’m Jewish! So, we are all together now! I love them, and I’m sure they think I’m nuts. And when I got back from the Dean’s office, and I told them I was dropping out…they all begged me to stay. They told me I couldn’t leave, that I could do it! Wow. And they barely even know me. I was so touched.

And I swear, I had just texted Mark that I was done.

But they persuaded me to stay. So, we all exchanged phone numbers. In fact, one of the girls called me at 6am to discuss our homework. Ummm, really? So dang sweet. But honey, you call me at 6am again, I’m going to go all Jew Cracker on your ass!  I know, I’m Mama Jen. I’m like the cheerleader of the group. The Mother Hen. I am too old for this shit. But I’m not going to quit. No one likes a quitter. Huge exam tomorrow, so I have to go. Oh, btw, school has no clue about the blog. I’m trying not to get kicked out just yet…but there’s always hope! Nothing I can do about that! ;)

xo j