safe sex

I am done.

Done with Match.com.

Done with J-Date.

Done with anything that has a penis.

Ya, I know, I’ve said it before. And I’ll probably say it again…and again.

But I am totally over it all, for now.

Damn fucking guys. I swear, they are all so full of shit! The last one I went out with, had a girlfriend. True story. While he was on a date with me, his poor girlfriend was at home…doing the dishes. Probably thinking he was at the mall, buying her a nice pair of fuzzy slippers for Christmas. Or a slinky nightie. Or a new blender. Asshole. He was hanging out with me, being all fun…and witty,  and yummy. And I was loving it. Sucking all the bullshit up with a straw, while that stupid-twinkie was home, just siting there. Watching re-runs of Sex and the City, and planning her wedding. Jesus. What a loser. Him, not her. She is a fool. With a CAPITAL F-O-O-L. Fool. Him, loser. Her, fool. Me, done. Done with a fork in me. Dammit.

Which leads me to this question…

Are you a penguin? 

Don’t stop reading. I’m as serious a bad case of herpes, y’all. Just hear me out. Stay here, and listen. I was just told, that Emperor Penguins are the ONLY species in the entire Universe that are serially MONOGAMOUS. Yup. You heard me. They are. I Googled it, and it’s true!! Believe me if you want. Or just go with it, and shut the fuck up. Penguins only have ONE mate…and they stay faithful to her. OMG!! How dang cute is that? So sweet. I love it. I want to date a Penguin! Actually, when I was little….we adopted one at the Detroit Zoo. You can do that, you know? Adopt a bird. Or any animal you want. I think. Anyways, I digress…what I want you to ask yourself is…

Are you a fucking PENGUIN, or what? Ya know, are you capable of being monogamous? 

Cause listen, guys. I happen to know that is like physically impossible for you to keep your dicks out of a vagina. And I also believe that if you are not in your partner’s puss, then you will find another puss to put it in. Wow. Say that 5 times fast. And yes, I just said that. And yes, I believe it to be true. Men need sex. Penguins need sex. Human beings need sex. Duh. It’s just how we are wired. But the question I’m asking today is, can we as HUMANS actually have sex with just ONE person for our entire lifetimes? Ok. I’m putting it out there, because I know you have asked yourself the same question. Don’t lie. Admit it! I mean, really! Are we Penguins, or not? I say no flippin’ way.  My opinion. My blog. My first amendment right. Freedom of Speech. ha. Now, I do think, there are people out there that are “penguins”, sure. They actually take their marriage vows seriously, and sleep with the person (or penguin) they are assigned to. I’m sorry, that was harsh. The person they picked. And I commend them. You are amaze-balls. And you get a prize. What’s the prize, you ask? Well, Bob, the prize today for staying faithful to your partner is….

The person you love for all eternity. And a whole lot of respect from the rest of us. Kudos. Props. And dammit, I think that’s quite a prize. And I mean that with total and complete sincerity.

But some of us aren’t so lucky. Some of us are just born to stray. I actually read an article that said there is a gene for cheating. A cheating gene. Like a gene for blue eyes? Or a gene for hammer toe. Or, like a gene for red hair. Which in less it’s on a girl, might as well be hammer toe. It’s actually found in WOMEN. Men, you’re safe…for now. This gene affects how women process oxytocin, What is oxytocin, you ask? It’s the “cuddle chemical”, and it gives us what we need to be affectionate with our partners. It’s the hormone associated with LOVE AND BONDING! OMG you guys, that is it!!! I need more OXYTOCIN so I can be a better PENGUIN!! Thank you Huffington Post, you just saved me like 10 years of therapy. Where can I get this oxytocin shiz? Can I spray it up my nose, or sprinkle it on my cereal…or better yet, can I slip it in my new guys coffee when we meet on our next Starbucks date? Holy shit. I am missing that A-allele gene. That explains everything. Check please!

Could you even imagine? hahaha. On my next Match-date, the dude gets up to go take a piss…and I pull a vile of “love potion” out of my purse. I pour it into his drink, kinda like a roofie! But it’s all natural, and homeopathic. I sound like an infomercial. Wait, don’t they have this shit already? Can’t I just eat oysters. Or watch porn? NO, it’s a hormone imbalance. And I think…everyone must be affected. Yes. Cause Mark couldn’t stand me. He never wanted to be near me. He said I made his skin crawl…And there is NO WAY it was because I was a total douche bag! He must have been a little feminine, and carried the gene for anti-cuddling!! Hmmmm. lol. I am going to hell. You do know that, right?

So, I was lunching with one of my best girlfriends, and she asked me, “Is cheating like the new thing these days, or what?” And I seriously answered, “Yes”. I swear, every time I turn around…some one is fucking someone else. Or this one is having a threesome with that one. Or he is sleeping with her stylist. Or she is doing his best friend’s, brother’s…sister’s babysitter. And really, I don’t think anyone is even surprised anymore. Really! Are you? When you hear about your friend that got cheated on? Do you even react like you used to 10 years ago? Not me. It just seems like everyday stuff. Sad. But so true. And I think, my generation is just used to getting everything we want. We are so fucking entitled. Things aren’t worth working for, including our marriages. Or our relationships, we give up too damn easily. Move on for the next best thing. The BBD. The bigger, better.. deal. Well. what a crock of shit. You think it’s any better on the other side, with someone else’s crap? It’s the same crap, different person. Blah. Blah….blah.

Hey, I’m not saying stay in a shitty marriage. Hell, life is too short. But if you once had a “penguin”,  and it’s a relationship worth saving…maybe you can clean up the cage. Pick up some penguin-poop. Pop some oxytocin, and go to therapy?  lol. You get the gist.  And look, this is just one woman’s opinion. I know I’m not perfect. Hell, I’m not even close. But I will learn from the mistakes I made in my marriage. I’m finding me some of that “cuddle chemical”, and I’m going to inject it into my veins. Then, I’m going to give it to my next boyfriend…and lock him in my house, for all eternity. And he will be mine….all mine!!! (maniacal laugh….maniacal laugh!)

And you know what? It’s going to be Happy fucking Feet when I’m done, if it’s the last thing I do. Happy Penguin Feet. ;)

xo j

Let me get this straight.

You put this film square in your vagina when?
Omg.
Not more than 3 hours before, or less than 15 minutes prior to…
Intercourse. 
WTF are they talking about?!
A Vaginal Contraceptive Film goes, WHERE?
What the hell are they saying!!? Holy crap! I have a college degree, people! I have choreographed major dance numbers with hundreds of kids! I have climbed Masada! I have a reasonably high IQ. I should understand when to insert a piece of contraceptive FILM up my vajay-jay! COME ON…give a girl a break. Throw a girl a bone. Wait. Did you know you can actually buy vibrators now at Tarjay? Okay, off subject. But really! Next to the condoms, and the contraceptive film….there are teeny-tiny, little vibrators. And cock-rings. ha. And I bought them both. Target is not just your place for backpacks, and Kleenex anymore. Who knew? lol. I need ADD meds. Note to self…
So, I’m sitting at dinner. And I look at my watch. It’s like almost 3 hours before I might get laid. Might being the operative word. And my date is hot. Ya, sure my sushi is good. I am enjoying the conversation. He’s got good teeth, and nice manners. Hmmmm. Do I excuse myself, hit the john….and shove the Vaginal Sperm Killer up my puss? Or do I wait a little bit longer? I mean, after all, I do have a full two hours and 45 minutes left. What if I don’t wanna sleep with him? Okay so he’s still talking. He’s cute, I guess.. and I am loving this glass of wine. Crap. I’m getting a little tipsy. Shit. What if I can’t figure out how to do it? What if I can’t insert the film? What if I rip it. Or it dissolves in my hand? This is awful! Fuck.. the clock is TICKING!!! Tick-tock. We get the bill. I only have 30 minutes left! I AM FREAKING OUT! I have to get that shit up in me like now! Drive faster, Moron! Hurry. Okay, great. 15 mins. In the house…move it, Dog! I’m in the bathroom. Phew. It’s in. Game on.
 
I am safe. Right? 
Why are you making it so difficult for us? Isn’t being a newly-single woman at 40-something years old hard enough, without making the directions for having safe sex so dang impossible? I have been having sex for the past 13 years with the SAME MAN for Goddess’s sake. The same penis. The same size. The same shape. The same…well, semen. No worries. No diseases. No issues. And now, it’s all I worry about. Where the guy has been, who he has been with….and how many times. If I am going to get knocked up, cause I am still egg-producing? I am not that old! Shit. And the diseases are different, too! Not the one’s our mom’s used to talk about. Sure, we still have good ‘ole Herpes, “our friend for life”, bacterial vaginosis, chlamydia…and one of my faves, gonorrhea. But have all y’all heard of the latest and greatest, HPV? Different strains, that cause different issues. Ugh. And men can be infected, too.
Ya, I got separated…and headed straight to my gyno’s office for a full body check. I shit you not. I’m not gonna lie. This is the Truth Hurvitz, after all. I had a full body check, and I came out clean as a whistle. But my doctor also recommend that I have the vaccine for HPV. I might have mentioned it in my previous blogs. But here is is again, BAM! Shot up with Gardasil. And fuck does it hurt. Damn shot in the arm, and it’s a series of 3. Thought they would be nice, and just stab me once…but no! Once, and then a month later….and then 3 months from the first shot. Or something like that. Ask your physician. All I know, is I couldn’t lift my arm. Which was good. Because every time I think about putting a condom-free penis near my vagina, I get a sharp shooting pain in my deltoid. And insurance doesn’t cover it, but guys…it’s worth it. Unless you trust every person you sleep with, then go ahead. But don’t risk it. Get the vaccine. Just my two cents.
I open the bathroom door, and let me tell you…I shoved that Sperm-Killing Film so far up my vagina it was never coming out. Have you ever seen these little things? Ya know those oil blotting papers? That’s what they look like. Or if you’ve ever rolled pot…not that I have ever rolled a joint. But if I had ever rolled a joint, maybe that is what they feel like. They like dissolve in water. So…anyways, I come out of the bathroom, and try to act all normal, with this square thing up my wazoo. And I can’t stop thinking about it. The four corners. I swear they are poking my insides. Even though they’re not. I’m being a total loser. But what if… and I’m not being gross, but what if….he can feel it? Or even worse, he can taste it? Shit. I need to get it out. I need to wash it out of me! How do you REMOVE a Vaginal Contraceptive Film? Help! I think it’s burning. It is!! I’m on fire. I am surely having an allergic reaction. The internal lining of my vagina is peeling off, and I need to get out of here, like now! And we start to kiss. And he’s all over me. And I jump up, and I scream, “I need to go home! I think I left the iron on!” I mean it was the only thing I could think of, while I was surely burning my insides, and losing all feeling in my sacred vagina. 
 
I never saw him again. And my vaginal walls are fine. I clearly overreacted. Newsflash…Jewish girl overreacts, and I she doesn’t own an iron.
 
Ugh. This has to get easier. Doesn’t it? I mean, eventually I will be able to figure this shiz out.  I will find a guy that is snipped, and clean. lol. I think I’ll put that on my Match.com profile. “Single Female, looking for a Single Male..snipped and clean. Medical records needed at first meeting.” And next time I’m in Target, in the “personal items” aisle…I think I’ll pick up a box of condoms instead. The Vaginal Contraception Film can live in it’s home on the shelf, right next to the tiny vibrators. I’ve had enough plastic, too! I mean, come on…I’m SINGLE y’all! Aren’t toys for married women? Well, at least they were in my house. I never want to see a fake, plastic dick again. So, guys I know you think it’s hot to ask if I have “toys”. Well, I don’t. I threw them all out. I don’t want them near me. And I bet, other girls feel the same way. Why would we? After years of being with our cold, plastic playmates…why would we choose them, over you? Be flattered. And maybe, just maybe…if you’re really sweet, we will surprise you on a rainy day. Or shit, maybe I coulda used mine to get out that fucking VCF that was lodged up there. OMG, that woulda been the best idea! Why didn’t I think of that before? ha.
Only the real deal from here on out. Well, real and covered in latex. Snipped, clean and covered in latex. Oy, my poor father. Sorry, Daddy.  ;)
xo j