real

Do you know how hard it is to be this happy, and not be able to tell you why?

Ugh.

It’s like torture.

Hell.

The fucking worst.

Especially for a chick like me.

I mean, let’s be real…cause I am all about keeping it real. I have ummm, well…I have like the biggest mouth on the planet. Duh. I mean, do I not write this blog? Do I not spill my guts three times a week for 20,000 people to read? Shit. I have no filters. I tell everyone everything about me. ME. Let me just say that upfront. I don’t share other people’s crap. I really don’t. I’m like a vault. Really! I can keep a secret for a lifetime! Seriously, I take shit to the grave….I do!! Waterboard me. Do it. I won’t break. What, too soon? Well, when it’s about me, my life…I am an open book.  I mean all ya’ll know what my vagina looks like, for crying out loud. When I go on hot dates. When I have sex. You even know when I get my flippin’ period. We are close. Really, close. I feel like we are besties. We should all have BFF necklaces. OMG. That is the best idea ever. I’m going to make The Truth Hurvitzbracelets! Yes. Like the “What Would Jesus Do“, but What Would HURVITZ Do!! WWHD! haha. omg. I am dying over here. I am so dumb. I’m sitting in Sbux, totally doing that out-loud-laughing thing. And all the people are looking at me like I am on something. But, could you just die? WWHD. I love it. My blog-buddy Rachel Silver Cohen, she has tank tops. She is ridiculously talented. And she’s into all that yoga-shit, so tanks are a perfect choice for her. But me, I need to do shiny-lip glosses, or vibrators. The Truth Hurvitz vibrators! If you are the 100,000th reader, you get a free Truth Hurvitz Vibrator! Whoop Whoop! Well, maybe not. WWHD bracelets it is! yes. And if you want a kick-ass tank top…go check out Rachel’s blog. go. Silver Unpolished. It’s fab! And she’s hot. Just sayin’.

So, anyways, not being able to share all the great stuff that’s happening in my life is just killing me. I need to be cryptic. And mysterious. Give you hints. And clues. In hope that you can just read between the lines. Feel the happy radiating from the screen! Pick up the vibe I’m laying down! Yes, I just said that. I am 42, and Jewish.  I sometimes wish I was 25, and a Fly Girl. Dammit, a girl can dream. Have you seen me throw? Stop. Hurvitz-time. But can you pick it up? The vibe, y’all.  I mean, COME ON, you guys!!  I am writing with a little skip in my text. Right? Fuck. You don’t get it do you? Do I have to spell it out? I feel like a teenager, with a new crush. I wanna sing into my hairbrush, and dance to Fergie! I AM JUST FLAT-OUT LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!! You know what I’m trying to say, right?

I have to tell you. I’m going to do it. I can’t hold back for one more second. I hate when people do this shit to me. They act like their “news” is such a big fucking deal. SO much more important than everyone else’s.  Like their news is bigger, or better….juicer. More exciting. And then they hype it all up. Drag it all out…go on, and on…and on about it. Play 20 questions. Make you guess what it is. “Ok, if you guess what it is, then I’ll tell you if you’re right.” What a crock of shit. What if I did that to you guys? How rude would that be? I’m sure half of you have already jumped to the end of this entry to see what the “big announcement” is anyways. Ya know, the same people that read the last chapter of a novel before you even start it.  Just in case you die. I get it. And I actually do that. In case I kick it. Is that normal? Yeesh. So, I’m just going to tell you why I’m so happy. Ready? go.

I am in a new relationship. YYYYEEAAAAHHHH!!!! 

I have a new thing going. And it’s making my heart race. And flutter. I can’t breathe. I check my phone like 20 times an hour. I love it. And it takes my mind off of everything else. It’s not new, but we just met. And so far….we are getting along just swimmingly! I just wish I knew how to work the parts a little better. A little confusing, and frustrating at times. I can’t seem to figure some of it’s shit out! But it’s the COOLEST thing, in the world!  I can’t even believe what’s going on…have all y’all used this Twitter thing? It’s like the best. I had 250 followers yesterday, and today I have almost 420! And Tim Hortons is following me! Tim Hortons! haha. I am being followed. Stalked. Do you know how good it feels to be wanted? I’m wanted by 420 followers. Why, I have no clue. But who gives a shit! They are tweeting, and twitting…and twatting ME! It’s an instant rush, an addiction. I’m trying to get as many of these stalkers, I mean followers…as I can. I get “favorited”, and they “retweet” what I tweet. I am in heaven. This new relationship is for the birds. But I have never been happier. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Yay…so thank you, Followers, for following me. I feel loved. And a tad bit weirded out.

Twitter + Hurvitz = #truelove #loveatfirstsight [email protected]  

Oh, my bad. Did I lead you on? Did y’all think I was in a relationship-relationship? ooohhhhhh!!! I am so sorry. That was kinda shitty. I didn’t mean to imply that I was in love. Or that I had a boyfriend. Shit. But I am. I’m such a tease. ha. I am totally, and completely in love. And in lust. I’m happy. And it’s not just from the tweeting. Although, the Twitter is giving me pleasure, my new man giving much, much more. Yum. I think I might have found my Mr. Big-ish. But for now, I’m going to keep him all to myself. All mine, dammit.  See, the last time I fell “in love”, or at least thought I did… I shared the guy with my blog-world. And it was fine. But this time, no can do. Well I can do, and I will do…my Mr. Big-ish. But all y’all will just have to use your vivid imaginations. Gross. Go think about someone else doing it! Stay out of my bedroom. I am going to be keeping my private life, well…private. I’m going to try to keep it private. Let me at least give it a shot, ok?!

You all know, I won’t be able to keep quiet for long, and I’ll end up letting you into our “world” every now and then.  To fill you in on any life-altering events. I mean, it’s close to impossible not to put it on a blimp! Or write it in the sky. Or use one of those ticker-thingys at a sporting event. Listen, go big, or GO HOME!  I simply adore this guy. And I’m pretty dang sure he digs me, too. I guess it’s a good idea to read the last chapter of the book first, huh? It’s actually where the GOOD stuff happens. The “Happily Ever Afters”, and the happy endings. Ok, ok…get your minds out of the gutter. And I’m sorry for being such a tease. I just had to do it! Now that is hilarious. Me…a tease? Priceless.

So, are we all on the same page now? I know I feel much better, now that my secret is out. It’s a new year, filled with new adventures…and new doors to open. Care to come along for the ride? Jump on, but you’ll need a ticket. Or a bracelet! Coming soon…WWHD. Or, if you would prefer a Truth Hurvitz Vibrator…send me a tweet. #PlayWithHurvitz ;)

xo j

It’s fine if people don’t like me.

I used to care, sure. But now, not so much.  Really. Not everyone has to like me. Or this blog. Or what I’m writing. Or my f-bombs. They don’t have to think it’s “appropriate” when I say disgusting things like, “my pussy is Jewish”.  I am not here to please the entire universe. That’s not my job. And this is not a job. No sirree. And my sister said it best, “Anyone who takes any type of risk in life will always have naysayers. Look at Madonna, and Hannah Montana.” My sister is so smart. And she’s pretty. She knows everything. Let’s just go with it, ok? It’s my blog. Work with me here.

Now, I don’t think I’m even as close to as bad as that two-bit whore Miley Cyrus. She is a tramp. Right? And she’s 22, all licking her lips.. and smoking. She’s got her Jays on…sexy as all get out. HO! Wrong. She is just doing what she does best. Her THING! Look at how good she’s done for herself. She’s a fucking GENIUS. I personally think she has us all by the balls. Sitting at the edge of our seats.. waiting, and watching for her to do her put it out there. The next, big.. nasty-ass, amazing thing. And then, when she does, we all GASP! And turn our heads. And pretend not to look at the screen! UGH. But we just can’t wait to see it. WE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHE’S GOING TO DO NEXT TO GRAB OUR ATTENTION, AND MAKE US FREAK OUT! And sometimes, we actually like it. And we sing along with the music. We wish we could be as bad-ass as Miley.  Even if it’s in our houses with the doors shut. Because god forbid we should ever admit to liking it. Or her. Or agreeing that Miley might be an ok gal. Hmmm. Maybe, that Miley ain’t so bad after all? Gosh darn it, I wish I could just express myself like Madonna! omg. get it? haha. I just got it. Express myself. Jeez, Jen.

Miley has MOXY. And chutzpah. And does what none of us dare to do. And she’s real. She puts herself out there for all the world to see.. and she doesn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks. Now, I’m not comparing myself to Miley Cyrus. Please. That is just cray-cray.  But I am saying that there is a reason why I had 10,000 people read my blog over the past week. Whether it’s because I’m funny, or not. Maybe it’s just because of the “WOW” factor. People just want to know what that “Crazy-girl-from-the-D” is gonna write next. I don’t really get it. It all seems kinda silly! But hey, if you dig it, then I’m all for it! And I’ll keep writing.. as long as you read. And my biggest point is, if you hate me.. or you hate this blog, you still read it! So, I love that you love it, or hate it. It’s making me want to write more juicy stuff, so I can become the center of all your dinner conversations. “OMG, did you read THAT blog today? What a horrible girl! She said the “f-word” like 22 times,  can you pass the salt.” Jeeeeezzz, people. Can you handle the upcoming “Sex After Divorce Blog”? I might have to ban some of you big ole babies.

But look, it’s not all shitty. Just yesterday, I was spraying tattoos at a Temple Party Planning Expo.. ya you heard me, I was spraying TATTS on the Jews. Love it. And one of the coolest chicks in town came up to me and started up about “THE BLOG”.  Yup. She did. I was scared. And did my little coy bullshit. Put my hands in my face, and started apologizing.. blah blah blah. And ya know what? She said she loved it. And she wanted to live vicariously though me. And I told her, not to say another word! I warned her, I would blog about her! And she said, “Go ahead girl, then I’LL BE FAMOUS, too!” So, TD, I adore you, and thank you for all your POSITIVE energy. Keep reading. And keep discussing my boring life around your dinner table. If it makes you laugh, then it’s all good.

Wow, I feel so much better. Got all that off my chest. And I was feeling so yucky all weekend. Got a few really nice emails, old friends all worried about me.. and my reputation. I am more concerned about what people think about my grammar and spelling errors. Shit. I have Jonah correcting my punctuation.  He’s like, “Mom, the comma goes before fuck, not after it!” Good times. Don’t worry about me, all y’all. I am one tough cookie. But, if this gets to rough, I’ll just start listing the names of the people who are giving me shit. That ought to shut them up. I am so funny. Dang.

And I also wanted to thank all of you who keep giving me ideas for topics. Trust me, I will get to them. Being Single in the City, there’s never a dull moment.. just you wait. Next blog is a doozie.. Dating after Divorce.. not like your Momma used to do! Welcome to 2014. Yeesh. Ever have a first date on Skype? Ya, welcome to my world. Single in any City just frickin’ sucks. But hey, I could be married and miserable! We will talk. And talk…and talk. And I will write. About what we talk about. ;)

xo j