new house

I have a new house.

And it’s my new house.

It’s my peanut butter sandwich. lol.

Remember that? St. Elmo’s Fire. With the scuba-suit wearing chick? She said that the peanut butter sandwich that she made in HER, house with HER peanut butter and jelly…was the BEST PB&J EVER? Right before she lost her virginity to Rob Lowe. Ya. I’m totally that girl. Sans the scuba suit. And I am hardly a virgin. But you get the analogy, right? I am single and strong! And I also love peanut butter and jelly. Just saying.

I have been given a new beginning. A new lease on life. It’s my turn to do this thing. Cue the music, maestro…I feel a new mantra coming on! In the words of the late, great Whitney Houston, “I’m Every Woman”?

Ugh. What a crock of shit. I am exhausted.

Sure, I’m starting over. And I get to do things my way, without someone busting my balls all the time. And I get to make my own decisions, and do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Ya ya ya. But I’ve moved 5 times in 5 years, and I’m flipping emotionally drained. I’m tired. I’m old. And I’m sad. I just spent the last week packing up my life. After nesting for 9 months, I packed up my things…and put them into boxes. And bags. And more boxes. I drove back and forth, and back and forth…and back, schlepping the memories of the last 13 years, to a new house. Not the beautiful house I made a home for my children and husband, but a rental house…half the size. I’m not complaining, trust me. I wanted the smaller house. It’s fine. For just me. And the boys. For only half of their lives. 2 weeks a month. Omg. I just puked in my mouth. I get them for half of their lives. I took the pictures of my family off the walls, and put them into boxes. For a “rainy day”, when the boys are older…and want to see them later in life. I put away my wedding album, and my videos. My ketubah is still up. What do you do with it? Yikes. I sat on the bed, and looked at the empty closet, that I shared with Mark. So weird. I looked at all the dust bunnies, and it hit me….

My family is now over. Done. Kaput.

I am not sad about my marriage being over. I need to make that clear. My marriage is me and Mark. We are better friends now than we have ever been. In fact, most divorced couples would die for a relationship like ours. I am sad about the family I am leaving behind. The memories, the idea…the life. It just hurt to do it. To pack up and leave it all empty. The house. The rooms. The stupid little stuff, ya know? Like the drawer in the bathroom with my blow dryer in it. What will the boys do when they need my blow dryer? I know, so dumb. But now, it’s gone. And I’ve left them with an empty drawer. Crap. It’s the stupid-little stuff. Being divorced doesn’t make me sad. It’s not the marriage part. It’s the family part.

So, it’s time to make new memories.

Time to create new things to take pictures of…new things to hang on my new walls, in my new house. In my new life. With my new family. No pressure, guys. Really. I am a big girl. I can handle just about anything. And ya, it’s been like 12 years since I’ve screwed in a light bulb, but I put in 4 yesterday! And I actually know how to use a hammer. Hmmm, I don’t own a hammer, but if I did…I could definitely use it. But I can’t order internet service. I tried, I swear. I was on the phone for like 3 hours. And I just have no clue what they are talking about. Can’t you just do it, Mark? Order me the dang internet!! Jeez.

Well, that’s where I am. Buying new sheets, and new rugs. I’m buying two of everything for the boys. They’re loving their new rooms, and decorating with a vengeance. Tigers for Zac, and Trailblazers for Jonah. Listen, if they wanted ponies I would buy them frickin’ ponies. I’d give them the moon at this point. The guilt of this whole thing is eating me alive. But I have two amazing men in my life. Mark is a great ex-husband, 99% of the time, and I simply adore Scott. He’s been the best thing that has happened to me in well, forever. And the two of them moved us in over the weekend, and even shared stories about ME over a beer. I can’t ask for anything better than that, right? It is just so much easier when everyone gets along. Easy peezy rice and cheesy. It’s good, until it’s not. And then it’s horrible. Ebbs and flows. Such is life.

Now, who wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I’m totally hungry. And I could use a glass of wine to go with it. ;)

xo j