hurting

Smile! Click, shoot.. and wait!
Just me, and the boys?
Our “new family”. Gulp. I thought it would be easier, I guess. Taking pictures with Marla on Sunday morning, for the blog. I thought.. what the hell, me and the boys. My new life, sans Mark.. just us. It was for a good cause, and what did I care? Ya. It was too easy. Took all of 21 minutes. Marla was amazing.. the boys were amazing. I bribed them, of course. I gave them each twenty bucks for their iPads. I have no shame. Fuck it. As Moms we do what we have to do, and I did it. I told the little shits if they didn’t give me any problems, I’d pay them..ha. Love those dang kids. Not one problem, not one peep.. just took directions like little supermodels at a photo shoot. I swear, it was like I drugged them. But it is what it is, and Jonah rocked it out, while Zac cocked his head.. and gave me a little lip. All in a days work, my little Naomi Campbells. Bad-ass attitudes, big mouths but never a bad shot. lol. But really, this is so not about the pictures. It’s about who was missing, and how badly it hurt when I finally realized it. Not so much during the shoot. Or even after. But today, when they went up on Facebook, and I noticed.. that Mark wasn’t there. Not going to lie, it fucking stung.
So, I guess the question is…When does it stop hurting? When do you stop feeling that emptiness? When do I realize it’s really just me? Even though I am not missing Mark, (no offense, honey) I am missing that piece of my puzzle. Ya know? Like really. Is that what it is? There used to be 4 of us. No shit, right? Like..”hi, there, we will have a table for 4.” And yes, “there will be 4 of us dining tonight.” And umm, “I need 4 tickets to see Rock of Ages.” Whatever, we never even saw Rock of Ages together, but you know what I mean. I looked at all of those fabulous pictures on FB today, and just cried. Well, first because I need a fucking face lift. OMG. My neck is like a turkey’s waddle. Who the hell let’s me walk around looking like that. Lord. Get out the Rolodex and dial up Dr. Sherbert, time for a nip and tuck-eroo! Jesus. And next.. well, because I saw my sister’s beautiful family. Did anyone else think that today? I know, it’s ok. You all were probably thinking, Jen is a loser. She is doing this TOO SOON! She is having family pictures taken, what is she doing?! Well, truth be told all y’all.. I didn’t even think about it. I am so excited about the blog, and Marla Must is just so nice to have done the pix.. and I thought,  how cool to have pix of me and the boys for my room at the apartment? But I am sad. It is weird to look at them, with no Mark. He was a big part of our team. Our pix looked kinda “uneven”, right? Or maybe it’s just me.
Now, just because I miss our 4th player, doesn’t mean I want to get back together. It’s just normal. I am a shrink, after all. And what I say, goes. This is just a normal part of the divorce process. So, don’t be all up in my shit, writing me messages, and telling me I should “give it another chance”. I am HAPPILY DIVORCED. I fucking dig it. In fact, after much discussion with my Sister and Mom this weekend, I am pretty dang sure I will never get married again. Why would I? I mean, in my opinion.. why would anyone ever get remarried. I plan on doing what I call “Kurt and Goldie-ing it”. It’s a verb. Ya know. Playing house. Being “married” but not really. Just like Kurt and Goldie. They are my heroes. Living the life, together.. but not married. Just add the “ing” and it becomes a verb. Kurt and Goldie-ing it. Yup. I just see no reason to ever get married again. It ruins everything. OK. Here we go. I can hear the YELLING now. The “big type screaming”. Please, it’s just my opinion. And why? Because this is MY blog. And I can say whatever the fuck I want to say. And I think marriage might just be the reason everything starts going downhill. Hmm. The sex stops. That is for sure. And the bitching starts. And everyone gets all crabby. You are held accountable for all things, all the time. And I just got out of that mess.. why in the hell would I ever want to go there again? Well, maybe I miss having my best friend around? I liked having a partner-in-crime..
Well, I don’t really want to die alone? That’s what most people say. They don’t want to die alone. Really. How cute is that. Not cute at all. I have zero problem dying alone. After seeing those pictures of my neck, I’m hoping I die alone. I clearly don’t want any man close enough to my face at 90. Holy crap. I made Mark promise to pluck any unsightly hairs I might get on my chin if I was ever in a coma. And now, he’s off the hook.. dammit. That might be the only reason to find a man. I will put an ad in the Jewish News when I turn 70. “Looking for a man to marry me who will keep up my maintenance should I slip into a coma. Will include plucking nose and chin hairs. And maybe plucking my eyebrows”. Gross.
I’m on my own. I need to get my own plane tickets. And check my own bags. And wait outside the men’s room, when the boys pee. Yeesh. I have my guys, and it’s the three of us. And we are a team now, a 3 person team. It’s going to take some getting used to, I know. And I look at my sister and David.. her husband, and I’m not jealous. I am happy. He is really good to her. And not only to her, but to me. He took such good care of us all weekend, and helped with my guys.. and all things “hubby/dad like”. He even shared his ice cream truffles, the coconut one. And that was a big flippin’ deal. That boy loves his coconut. I guess you never know what you have until it’s gone, and how important family can be.. and how much you take it for granted. I just love mine so much. This past weekend home in Detroit, was the best. I figured out I can do this divorce thing on my own. I’m getting stronger everyday.. and no matter where I am living.. I have the support I need to be okay. I miss Mark, I do. And I miss my kids, with their Dad. But I will be fine. I will take my time, finding the right person to fit into our puzzle. No settling, no making shit fit. And no compromising. I’m in no hurry.
It’s just me, myself and I.
Oh, and J&Z. And maybe just maybe.. I will make room for a “Kurt” one day soon. This “Goldie” needs a little lovin’. ;)
xo j
me and my boys

 

the boy cousins.