funny

I am all out of funny.

I am.

For real. I’m totally, and completely out of funny.

And I’m not sure I can ever get it back.

Funny thing about funny? People are the funniest when they aren’t even trying to be funny.

One day, I’m going to tell all y’all the REAL truth. The balls-to-the-wall real life story of Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub. The unedited version. No thinking, no worrying about whose feelings I’m going to hurt, or what guy is reading it. Just the real, raw… truth. Yup.

That will shut you all up.

If I give you my sob story, will you all just take it easy on me? Can I walk into a room without being looked at funny….or yelled at? Will I stop being taken so seriously? Will it make you take all of this with a grain of salt? Chalk it up to me just blowing off a little steam? For just one minute can I simply be Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub: Mother of Jonah and Zac, choreographer…DJ, loyal friend, trusting ex-wife…blah blah blah. I feel like I’m writing my eulogy. Or my headstone. RIP JHW. OMG. That’s it. I have to kill myself off! Is that the only way to do this, end the ridiculing….and constant harassment that comes with this fucking blog!

I know what you are all thinking…

You are reading this crap, and thinking…”Jennifer, you asshole. You did this to YOURSELF! You signed up for this! And you can just stop blogging.” And you know what? You are right. I can put this shit to rest. I can close up the laptop, and just stop typing. Stop sharing my every thought, and emotion. Stop telling my dumb stories. My choice of birth control. My flavor of the month. How I got licked on my face, or shit on by another Match-Dot-Commer. I can stop it all. And when I do, stop…that is, I will feel better, right? I will get more “secure”men in my dating pool? And my old friends will reemerge? I will go into bars, and people will stop whispering. My filters will start working. lol. My mother-in-law will speak to me again? Shit.

People will stop judging me, if I stop blogging? 

Ya, right. And I’m a real blond. Ha. Actually, I am somewhere close to blond. Like a super duper light brownish. Kinda Blondy-like. My stylist Denise told me, I am clearly a BLOND tone. Whatever. Judging will never stop. You are probably judging me right now. And there is not a thing I can do to change it…

I have written a few things over the past months, that maybe I shouldn’t have. Yesterday, someone commented that there is a “persona” of Jen, and a “real” Jen. It pissed me off. Totally bugged me. There is only ONE Jennifer. I admit when I’m wrong. I own it.  I make mistakes. Don’t we all? I fuck up, sometimes big. Sometimes, so big…I can’t sleep at night. But there is only ONE Jennifer. I don’t become someone else when I’m writing. It is what it is. Sure, I embellish. I add little bits and pieces for flavor…I’m a Jewish girl from the D, for fuck’s sake! And I love to tell a good story. If you know me off the blog, then you can attest to this. If not, gotta trust me. I’m about as real as it gets.

So, I guess this entry is for me.  It’s for me to kinda explain myself. And say a big “I’m sorry, but“. Which I HATE. I hate that. “I’m sorry, but….” is not an apology. It’s a crock of shit. In fact, in my house, I don’t accept apologies that come with a “but” at the end. But, I’m about to go against my own rule. Ready?

I’m sorry, BUT….I can not make everyone happy. 

I’m sorry, BUT….I can not change what I have already done. 

I’m sorry, BUT…I can not stop blogging, because I think one day…it might be something really big,  and I am a selfish bitch. And I would love to have a real job, and make real money. And live in a big castle with my Prince Charming. Sigh. Cue music, and get the white horse. Oh, and find the damn Prince.

And a part of me is thinking, would Sarah Silverman apologize for her nasty comments? Do you see Chris Rock saying he’s sorry for all the G-d awful things he has said? Yeesh. Well, I am not implying I’m anywhere close to famous. lol. Please. Like what kinda girl do you think I am? But, I’m just saying….I am finally happy. Not at other people’s expense. Mostly at MINE. Most of what I write is making some serious fun of me. Self-deprecation is my thing.  It’s what makes me feel better, when I think about this shit storm I’ve been living in over the past year.  I guess I need to think about my audience, and edit my shiz. Especially when it’s hurting people I love. ugh.

So, for now…if I kick it. My headstone will read as such:
RIP 
Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub
Best Mom Ever
Blogger 
Blah, Blah..Blah
I love a good melodrama. And a good cliffhanger….Will the blog go on? Will JHW still continue to write her unfiltered, dirty-ass entries? Will the blog ever be more than just platform for Jen’s ranting? lol. I crack myself up. I am a total dork. And truthfully, I’m just honored I have readers. Oh, and wait til you see my new website. Another reason why I can’t stop blogging. I just shelled out some serious bank to redo this thing! haha.
Ok, time to start working on my next entry.  It’s a good, clean topic. How should a guy tell a woman she has a stanky vajay-jay? It’s Gentleman’s Choice! And men are asking, so it’s my job to answer them! ha. ;)
xo j