family

DO NOT ANSWER THAT PHONE. 

Do you hear me? I swear to god, I will fucking kill you.

Let it go to voice mail. She has called like 200 times in the last 2 days, and asked me the same god damn question. And no, I don’t know when the rehearsal dinner is going to be. Shit. Again? YOU answer it, she is YOUR mother.  Listen, when MY mom calls, I will answer it. Ok? Let’s start that rule right now. Before we even get married. If my family calls, I talk… if YOUR family calls, you talk. Sound good. Perfect. Pinky swear. And then we will never fight. Or yell. And we will have a perfectly blissful marriage. And we will get along, and NO one will ever argue. Ahh…I can see it now. Our married life with no family issues….

Fuck. Aren’t they supposed to like shut the fuck up and wear BEIGE? Yes. That was the thing I read about “Mother-in-laws”. Yup. That was it. That was what all the books said! And The Knot. And What to Expect When You’re Expecting. AndPeople Magazine. And Oprah. She said it. I swear…I read it somewhere. Or maybe it was Gandhi. But someone told me that all MILs were supposed to just shut up and wear beige. And I know, that one day, I too will be one. A mother-in-law. And I’ll have some bitchy, little tramp taking my sons away from me, I get it. I do. I am actually hoping that J&Z will marry an orphan. I know, it’s mean. But I’m praying for it. In my head…I’m secretly hoping that my guys will find a sweet, darling virginal-type girlie that has NO parents. Yes, that is my dream. Jeez. Did I just say that out loud? Why yes, I did. Let her have a dad, sure. Maybe he will be hot! OMG. Yes! A HOT dad. And let her mom be 6-feet under. And I also know, there is nothing I’m saying here that all of you haven’t wanted to say. Am I right? Well hold on to your seats, cause I’m just getting started.

All the MIL’s are thinking, “Bitch please, give me back my son!” 

While all the daughters are thinking, “Bitch-no. He is mine now, back off!” 

I really do feel like this entry is going to help all you married peeps. And I can say this now, because guess what? I am done. I am free and clear of all this. And ya know what? I can say what ever I want because when you get divorced, not only are you leaving your husband…you are divorcing his family, too. Ha. I have no more walking on eggshells, or pretending to be nice. Or putting up with bullshit. They never liked me, and guess what…I don’t really give a fuck. Wow. That felt good. They can have their son back, and all his mishegas. For those of you that don’t speak “Jewish-Jen” that’s another word for “craziness”.  Ok, that was a little harsh. I really do like them. Good peeps, but I was a bit “much” for them. Well, duh. I am a bit much for everyone. I was “crazy” and “overprotective”. But this is not about MY in-laws. This is about ALL IN-LAWS. I mean, come on, people.. who likes theirs? You lie if you do. You may tolerate them. You may get along, in small doses. But you know, girls.. your MILs hate you. And please, stop trying to make them like you. They never will. You have stolen the one thing that means the most to them…

Their baby boys.

We did the worst thing ever. We took their sons. And we are most likely never going to give them back. We are going to brainwash them, and change them…and make them believe we can do it all better. No matter what it is, “happy wife =  a happy life” and MOMMY is out. Buh-bye. So sad, but as reality starts to hit, and I’m writing this…I too am feeling a wee bit nauseous. In fact, I am kinda imagining my future daughter-in-law all bubbly and pretty, her claws in Jonah. Or all wrapped around Zac. I just puked in my mouth. Blech. Shake it off, Jen. Let’s just hope one of them is gay. I would love a gay bff. I would be SO less threatened by a gay son-in-law. We could go shopping, and it would be ALL ABOUT ME! Yes. See, there is hope!

Here are a few things I can say now, that I was just DYING to say,  when I was married. I am hoping they will help my readers. I know, you all wish you could say the exact same shiz. But you’re a bunch of pussies. Now, you have me. I accept gifts, and I love cool products from Todd’s Room… or you can just “like”my page on Facebook. Wait, I totally dig Cookies By Design. Yum. Although, I’m trying to shed a few lbs by June. Planned a trip to Mexico! Woo hoo! I’m totally off subject. Poop. Anyways, MILs, don’t take all this too personally. Just take it. G-d knows, I’m going to be in your shoes one day. I so wish someone with a little chutzpah would tell me where to get-off. ha.

To all Mother-in-Laws… 

  1. When you call, I ignore you. Every time. I’m sorry. I love you, but I don’t want to talk to you. You dray my cup. I will call you back…one day. 
  2. I made him call on you every Holiday and Birthday. If it wasn’t for me, he would have forgotten. I actually dialed the phone, and put it up to his ear. 
  3. I am the reason for everything good and happy.
  4. I bought all the cards and gifts. And signed them, didn’t you notice? 
  5. I made him go to Temple for the Jewish Holidays. 
  6. I am the MOTHER. I had these kids, not you. 
  7. My family trumps yours, sucks but it’s true. 
  8. I blame him for everything. After all, it’s probably his fault. 
  9. If he doesn’t take MY side, he will be beaten. Or sleep on the couch. Or never see my vagina again, so just let some shit go.. if you love him.
  10. The minute I get in the car after being at your house, I scream and yell at him. Just because my kids actually like your food, and love being there. And love you.  
  11. I tried for 12 years to make you like me, and it never happened. All we want is for you to like us, don’t you know that? 
  12. I know I took your son, I will never be as loving as you. Or as strong as you. Or as good as of mom as you, or wife…but if you keep interfering in our marriage, one day, I will let you have him back. Heed my warning. 
Well, there it is. And so you know, I do actually believe there are some women out there that might truly dig their outlaws. I do. Feel free to comment here on the blog. I can dish it, so you know… I can take it. Truth be told,  I love my in laws. After all, they did give me one of the best things ever…Mark. And I really have to give them huge props for that, even though it didn’t work out. Mark gave me Jonah and Zac. MY TWO SONS.So, to all the girls out there, that will eventually be in the running for the Daughter-in-Law position in my life…I wish you luck. I hope you are ready to have the most KICK-ASS MIL in all the land. I promise to wear beige, shut the fuck up…and let you have my boys. I will back off, and give you space. I will be completely cool, and never interfere. As long as you let me plan the wedding, raise your children, and live with you. Is that too much to ask? ;)

xo j