dating long distance

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You say tomato, and I say toe-ma-toe,

You say potato, and I say poe-ta-toe.

Tomato, ta-ma-toe…

Potato, pa-ta-toe.

Let’s call the whole thing off.

Do you think opposites really attract?

Listen…

So we are driving down the road in the country. And when I say country I don’t mean like a back road in South Charlotte, people. I mean like, the CUN-try. I was so careful typing that, yes I was. But we were in like a place where Deliverance could have been filmed. I was actually fearing for my life; hiding my Hebrew tattoo. In a pick-up truck, listening to Luke Bryan (he’s a country singer), and drinking a Slurpee…no I’m not kidding. I swear to Goddess this is all true. I know, I can’t believe it either. We were driving down this road, and I we were talking about the best thing ever: SEX. When all of a sudden this boy slams on the breaks, and screams at the top of his lungs…

“DID YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL THING?”

I was so scared I nearly pissed myself. I thought it had to be some kind of waterfall, or kite in the sky…or fuck, a rainbow! Something to make this crazy-man scream like that, right? So, he whips the truck around and goes back, and I’m like WTF??! This had better be good, because I was just about to get into some oral sex talk, my most favorite subject…when next thing I know he stops the truck and points out the window. I’m like, OH HELL TO THE NO!!

Do you know what it is?

It’s a bunch of turkeys.

I can’t make this shit up…

Remember when I told you about the guy at lunch who made turkey-calling sounds with his straw? Same fella. Date #2. Well, folks…he has a slight turkey obsession. Don’t get it. It’s his thing. But come on! We were talking about SEX, and he stops for a flock of TURKEYS. So, I warned him. I did. I told him he was officially “making the blog” for his whack-a-doodle behavior. We laughed and he said, “Go ahead, Pretty Girl.” Or something like that, I think. It was in his oh-so-southern accent. He calls me Pretty Girl. Sigh.

So I’m telling the story.

And guess what, he’s getting a name!

And you all know what that means, on The Truth Hurvitz if I give a guy a name, it’s either because he’s a loser…or he’s a boyfriend. Well, for the first time ever in the history of The Truth Hurvitz I’m naming a guy in limbo! And I’m not telling you if he’s IN or OUT yet!! It’s a Truth Hurvitz cliffhanger! I love a good nail biter, don’t you? Hmmm. So let me think…yes he’s a bit hickish, but he’s awesome.  And I think he might like me, but it’s hard to say at this point. And maybe I like him. But I’m not gonna tell ya anyway. He likes four wheelers, and lake-living. And he likes hunting. And fishing. And guns. He even works in the forest for a living. And omg, what the fuck are you reading this?

He is the complete opposite of me.

He is like everything I am not.

But he is smart. And kind. We talk about everything. He’s a great dad; he loves his kids. And he opens the car door for me. And he pulled out my chair for me before I sat down. Jesus, can you even remember the last time a man pulled out a chair for you? I almost shit my pants. And he paid for everything the whole time we were together…and when I offered to pay, he said, “Where I come from a lady never pays for anything.” Omg. How chivalrous is that, right? I mean, it’s just plain SOUTHERN gentleman…and it was so dang sweet for a change.

Soooo…a name. I was thinking Mr. Turkey but that just doesn’t fit him. He’s way too kick-ass, and he will totally kick my ass. I need to give it some thought. Maybe in the next couple days in South Beach it will magically come to me. Ya, I’m sure that’s what I’ll be thinking about in South Beach…a name for Mr. Maybe. Oooohhhhh! That’s it! Mr. Maybe! He’s not in yet, but he’s not out! So, he’s Mr. Maybe, baby! Lovin’ it. And I think he would totally agree, it’s perfect. And just exactly where we are, at this time in our “relationship” or whatever it is this is. Who cares. It’s just easy. And good. Easy is good.

And if opposites really do attract, this should be the most magnetic connection this side of the Mason-Dixon line. Ummm, is North Carolina actually “this side” of the Mason-Dixon line? I really don’t feel like Googling it right now. But you get my point.  ;)

xo j

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Smart.

Caring.

Sincere.

Honest.

Fun.

Drama-free. (my fave)

The list goes on, and on…and on. And I mean it just doesn’t stop. The list. THE LIST, people. The list of things that men want. Or what they say they want. I took it from websites, and dating sites, and right from the horses’ mouths. I made a list. And I am sharing it with all y’all right flipping now. And do you want to know why? Well, you know I’m gonna tell you, so just sit there and read. I have compiled this “list” off of Tinder, and Match.com…and JDate because it is just the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever read! That’s right. You heard me, and I am not leaving this blog entry until someone (and I mean a someone with a protruding body part) clears it up. Start messaging me, fellas. Hurvitz ain’t happy.

I just think when a guy says what they are looking for in a partner, they should be honest. I mean, is that so hard to do? Forget who you are as a person, for now. We all know, when you show up for your first meeting…and you are 20lbs heavier than your pix on JDate, you are fucked. Not my problem, it’s yours. If you say you don’t smoke, and then you whip out a cigarette, fucked again. You just can’t lie. Who wants to start off any kind of anything based on a lie? But this is not what I’m talking about here. I am talking about being real about what you want from the other person. What you are expecting the other person to bring to the table. The meat. The guts…the goods.

What do you really want from this woman? 

Is it sex? Chemistry. Is it a nice pair of tits, and a firm ass? Do you want to go to the bar every Thursday night, drink beer…and never talk to me other than that? Are you hoping for a blow job in your car, and dinner on every third Monday of the month? Maybe you want to get married? Who cares! Just lay it all out there, because otherwise I’m just left guessing. And I hate trying to read your mind. You are like a sad puppy, and I want to smack the shit out of you. Dating is like trying to read brail. Or a treasure map, in Japanese. It shouldn’t be this hard. And most of the time, I end up thinking you don’t like me, and I dump your ass. But really, you do…like me, that is. Why didn’t you just say it? Use your words. YOUR WORDS. Cause fucking me, and staying the night… just doesn’t cut it.

Wanna know what I really think?

I think that technology has made it impossible for men and women to interact face-to-face. It’s making it hard for us to “use our words”. We have become so used to this immediate gratification-thing with our fingers, popping out an emoji to express a feeling. So sad. :(  I think we need to start going old school, and date like we did before we could text. Pull the plug on all the cyber shit. Just stop all the Pre-Dating Cyber Foreplay. Do you know what I’m talking about? Instead of spending hours, and days…sometimes weeks texting, ask her out! This “cyber-foreplay” that comes before the date, is fun… but it has to stop! It’s creating these false feelings, and fake visions of what is to come. It’s not real. And we say things in text we might not say so early on in person. I mean it! There is safety behind the screen. And then, we meet this person…at a Starbucks, and we can’t have a normal conversation. It’s all weird, and funky. And strained. I mean you already know my favorite ice cream, my middle name…and my favorite sexual position. Sweet, look me in the eye now, Mr. Hookah.

That’s it, don’t text me anymore. If you want to talk to me, call me. No, better yet…come over and knock on my front door. I will be giving numbers like at the Harris Teeter Deli Counter. When I call yours,  you may enter. And then you will be given a 12 minute talk session. Make sure you bring your list of “wants” in a relationship. Oh, I have a pit-bull, and a large black man that lives with me. So no funny stuff, got it? ;)

xo j

 

 

 

 

So here’s the plan…

I know you have questions, right?

About tomorrow night?

The deets.

Like what’s going on?

Ya, well here it is. The scoop on the big Blog Event we are having at Event Bliss in Franklin, Michigan. My blog event. Ha. How silly is this? A meet and greet of sorts. A little get-together to shoot the shit, and talk about ME! Awwww, shucks. I’m blushing. And I owe it all to you. My peeps, my readers…my fans. Who woulda thunk it? Who would have ever thought that spewing a bunch of my crap on a screen would ever lead to this. This. Me. Up on a little stage, in a cool little space…talking about my life. Wowza.

So, here I am. And the last time I did this…I figured there would be like three people. Me, my mom…and my little sister. Oh, no. Four people. My good friend, Jodi, too. I thought there would be four. Oh, no hold on. Fuck, six. Six including Susie and Terri, the amazing owners of Event Bliss. Ya, so a total of six women as my audience. Sitting there, looking up at me. Staring. Listening to me tell my life story. About the blog. The Truth Hurvitz. Ugh. I was so sure. So sure that no one would show up that I didn’t prepare shit. I didn’t plan, or prepare. I didn’t think about, or write anything. I made no notes. I had no script. Didn’t even scribble on my hand. I just figured there would be six women, that loved me. So who really cared if I was prepared?

Well, shit.

It was Saturday morning, and they started arriving…

Oh, the six ladies were already there. Seated in the front row. But there were more. Yup. They started coming in the door. I started to freak. I put on lipgloss. And curled my eyelashes. Then I grabbed my sister. “Julie. Oh my god, what the fuck am I going to talk about?” And she said, “Jen, you didn’t prepare anything?” And I said, “I didn’t think anyone was actually going to show up!” And the women found their seats. And I slammed my mimosa. And smiled. Oh, and I brushed my hair. And I took a deep breath, and the owners of Event Bliss began to introduce me…

It was at that moment, I realized the 30 plus women sitting in front of me…were there for me. They were there to listen to me. To support me, and the blog. I actually had to hold back the tears. I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. And I started to speak. The words just came out of me…from my heart. Kind of like they are right now. Just like the blog, free-flowing. I was able to speak the truth to these women, and have a wonderfully honest conversation. I spoke about my marriage, and my divorce. Love and intimacy. My children…and finally being Happily Divorced. And why I started blogging. I answered questions as truthfully as I could. We laughed, and got real. Everyone chimed in. Totally interactive, and off the cuff. It was awesome.

And I am so excited to do it all again.

Tomorrow night, at seven o’clock…at the same spot, I get to do it all again! Another shot. Sweet. But this time, I’m inviting the guys. I loved having just the girls on Mother’s Day, but we got so many requests for the MEN! And you know, when my readers talk…I listen! And I deliver. Ha.

So, the audience will be a little different, maybe a little louder? More testosterone, less estrogen. Beer instead of Mimosas. And I’m hoping the subject matter is a little more amped up. I love a good male-driven relationship discussion! Bring it on, Boys! I am totally ready for all y’all. I’m strapping on my balls, and kicking off my heels…

But, just remember this…I am the “Hurvitz” in The Truth Hurvitz. And I am still running this little circus. ;)

xo j

 

See you all tomorrow night, anyone is invited! Guys and Gals. Single, Married. Divorced…whatever! Event Bliss in Franklin, Michigan. http://eventbliss.webs.com

 

 

 

 

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I want it now.

Give it to me.

But I said, I need it.

Click, click…and its mine.

I don’t like the word NO!

I swear its like that little bitch Veruca Salt, just took over the Universe…made us all stomp our feet, and whine like brats! It’s the world of Immediate Gratification. We just hop on our phones, and order shoes while we are in carpool. Or find a date by swiping left or right. Shit. It’s too damn easy! Our kids are glued to their devices, and addicted to the instant responses they are getting…and we are letting it happen. It makes it easier for us to do what we need to get done. Am I right? It’s all flipping nuts! No more eye contact, no more face-to-face interaction…no more flirting, or hair flipping. Fuck! I am losing my guts here! It’s all so quick. So fast…so damn simple.

What happened to THE TEASE? 

My best friend, Tammy, sent me this killer article last night, about just that. The thrill of the chase. The hunt for the kill.  The Art of the Tease. Ya know? Like what happened to actually making a man want you? Jeez. These days, a guy just texts a woman up…says a few insincere things, and BAM! He asks for a sexy pic. Are you fucking kidding me? But it happens. Not all of the time, but more than we want to admit. And I am telling you, its bullshit. Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free? Oh, I am the cow in this scenario. And no woman likes to be the cow giving away her milk. And definitely not for free! C’mon guys…work a little harder, will ya? There is something to be said for a little build up! That “verbal foreplay” you have before you hop into bed. Make us work for it….Tease me! Don’t you just love it?

I love it. I love a guy that ends a date, before I do. Really? He doesn’t want to stay all night? It keeps me wondering. He kisses me goodbye, but doesn’t ask me to come back to his house. Or come over to mine. Hot. He leaves me hanging. Wanting more. Damn. It’s all about the tease. And he doesn’t text all day, and all night. And when I text him, there is not an immediate response. OMG. Is this for real? Is he playing games? Does he not want me? I am so used to the instant reply, that I am freaking out. But it’s just the thrill of the chase. And it’s working. Damnit, this boy has me hooked.

And you have to start it before you get into the bedroom. Before you are naked. Way before. Sure, it’s the best to get him all worked up begging for it in bed! But how about when you are on your date? Give him that little bit of shoulder instead of the cleavage. Show him legs or tits, but not both. Eat that lobster with your fingers, and lick off the butter. Remember Flashdance? Sexy is well…SEXY! Put down your phone, and look at him. IN THE EYES. It’s all about body language, and touching. You can’t be present, if you are texting..or checking the weather. And if he is on his phone, do a sexy flip of your hair, and gently take it out of his hands. Give a lil wink, and set it on the table. It’s all about making him know you want to be there.

Anyway you slice it, we all love the work up. The foreplay before the foreplay. The flirting, and wondering how fast we can get out of the restaurant and into the car…ha. It’s really not about immediate gratification, all y’all. It’s about taking your time, and knowing that good things come to those who wait. Easier said than done, right? Especially when you’ve been texting, and sexting…and acting like teenagers for weeks! But I do think that teasing actually leads to a much better sexual experience in the long run. And this article I read last night, agrees! I’m going to try it…I am! And guys, you know you like a girl that makes you wait. Don’t lie!

A new way of doing things. I’m going to go back to the basics. Like when my parents used to date. When there were no iPhones, and you actually had to talk to one another in person. You could express yourself clearly, with no miscommunication. No “lost in translation”. No LOL. I just think I’m so much better face-to-face. And I love to flirt, and tease. And it just doesn’t come across so well with Emojis. Although, they do make some good ones lately! My favorite is the pile of poop. I use it a ton when I think guys are full of shit. Just a big poop pile. And boy do I wish I was teasing. PLOP! ;)

xo j