cyber dating

downloadI’ve dated tall guys.

And not so tall.

Smart men,

And total fucking morons.

Good ones, and…some well, not so good.

Let’s just say, over the past four years since my divorce…I’ve dated some real mishugies. Hell, I have run the gamut from turkey callers to pathological liars….and I’m still here to write about it. I’ve learned a shit-ton about what I’m looking for in a relationship; I’ve grown along the way.

But let’s be real here, it’s been a hot mess. And being single isn’t easy, or as fun as it sometimes looks.

The reality is that dating after a divorce totally bites the big one. 

IMG_1241I am not angry.

I am not sad.

I’m not mad…

Or bitter.

My heart is tired.

That’s really it. My heart is just flat out exhausted. If you can try and imagine the poor thing for a minute…beating, and beating. Over and over, and over. Doing such a good job. Pumping all that blood around this kick-ass fucking body of mine…day after day, week after week. Giving and giving…and giving LOVE. Just so I can get what in return? Nada. Zilch. A big fat, fucking NOTHING. Well, that’s not entirely true…I got a lot of love. Plus a bunch of lies. My poor heart is just tired. And I can hardly blame it. It’s been through an awful lot over the last four years. And I think, it’s time for a break.

Hey, heart! It’s me, Jennifer….And I’m going to give you a break. 

images-1Snotty.

Bitchy.

Bratty.

Snarky.

Snappy.

Whatever. I am all of the above, and I’m ok with it. I’m salty. Which is what my kids called me yesterday when I got all up in their shit for not clearing the table after dinner. Well, what the hell? What are they, animals? Were they raised in a fucking barn? No. I don’t think so. So, yes… maybe I got a tad bit salty. And salty I will remain until I get what I want. But then I got even saltier with Mark. He was annoying me. I’m sorry, but he was. So I gave him some attitude, as well. And he was completely numb to it. After all, he’s not married to me anymore. He can ignore my bullshit. But he did say this,”Ummm Jen, I hope that camp teaches you how to be nice.” Hmmm. Wow. Well, fuck you too, Mark. That camp. Well, YES duh!! Isn’t that why I’m going to THAT camp? To learn how to be a better person? To learn how to get nicer, and maybe grow a set?

Then Mark said something very interesting.

 

images-2Facebook.

Twitter.

LinkedIn.

Pinterest.

Zappos.

And Nordstrom.

Yup. That’s about it, folks. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 48 hours. Surfing the web and filling my time while I watch my kid suffer. And when I say “suffer” I mean, bitch and moan while he fights a low grade fever. Not really suffer. Suffering is like pretty bold choice of words. Suffering is a child with a real illness, or a woman battling cancer…ugh. Poo-poo. Not my over-entitled 14-year old eating Flavor Ice and watching SpongeBob. So, I digress. I’ve been here, sitting on the couch surfing the net, while my kid slowly gets better. Phew. There, that’s more like it. Anywhoo, what is up, all ya’ll? What’s shakin? What the hell is going on? I’m talking to my screen. I am that bored.

Someone save me.

Someone please get me out of this germ-infested hell hole.

Someone just talk to me.