blended families

downloadI’ve dated tall guys.

And not so tall.

Smart men,

And total fucking morons.

Good ones, and…some well, not so good.

Let’s just say, over the past four years since my divorce…I’ve dated some real mishugies. Hell, I have run the gamut from turkey callers to pathological liars….and I’m still here to write about it. I’ve learned a shit-ton about what I’m looking for in a relationship; I’ve grown along the way.

But let’s be real here, it’s been a hot mess. And being single isn’t easy, or as fun as it sometimes looks.

The reality is that dating after a divorce totally bites the big one. 

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need

to

slooooowwww

my

roll.

Just slow my gosh darn roll! It’s a saying.  My kids use it, I think. They also called me, “savage” the other day. Not so sure that’s a good thing. But whatever. And how about “lit”, is that a positive adjective? Let me use it in a sentence for ya, “Mom, my friends at school think you’re totally LIT.” Hmm. Again, I question its exact connotation….but hey, I aim to please! But I got this “slowing your roll” phrase down! It means to ease your shit up, slow your ass down…stop moving into everything so dang fast. And for the love of all things holy STOP FALLING IN LOVE SO QUICKLY! Phew.

Ya, just gotta slow my damn roll, Cowgirl.

But really, how do are you supposed to move slowly when the guy is doing everything in his power to make you WANT HIM so damn bad? 

imagesWalnut.

Peanut.

Hazelnut.

Pine nut.

Macadamia Nut.

And then there’s me. I’m a CASHEW….Half Catholic, and half Jewish. Oh, you didn’t see that coming did ya? Ya well, surprise! No Forrest Gumpin’ today, folks…no siree! Today, we are talking about me. Me, and my religion. And why you ask? Well, first of all…because I can. And secondly, because thank Goddess fucking Thanksgiving is over…and we have moved onto bigger and better holidays. What? You didn’t notice the lights up all over town? And the crazy-ass antlers on the cars, or the Ho-Ho-HO station on the radio? Christmas is everywhere! I woke up on Black Friday, and the world was covered in jingle bells, and twinkle lights. It was like Santa barfed all over Charlotte. But really, who doesn’t love a good dose of X-mas cheer? I do! I do! So, that’s why I’m thinking about my nuttiness.

I am a CASHEW. And I’m proud of it.

images-1Snotty.

Bitchy.

Bratty.

Snarky.

Snappy.

Whatever. I am all of the above, and I’m ok with it. I’m salty. Which is what my kids called me yesterday when I got all up in their shit for not clearing the table after dinner. Well, what the hell? What are they, animals? Were they raised in a fucking barn? No. I don’t think so. So, yes… maybe I got a tad bit salty. And salty I will remain until I get what I want. But then I got even saltier with Mark. He was annoying me. I’m sorry, but he was. So I gave him some attitude, as well. And he was completely numb to it. After all, he’s not married to me anymore. He can ignore my bullshit. But he did say this,”Ummm Jen, I hope that camp teaches you how to be nice.” Hmmm. Wow. Well, fuck you too, Mark. That camp. Well, YES duh!! Isn’t that why I’m going to THAT camp? To learn how to be a better person? To learn how to get nicer, and maybe grow a set?

Then Mark said something very interesting.