blended families







Just slow my gosh darn roll! It’s a saying.  My kids use it, I think. They also called me, “savage” the other day. Not so sure that’s a good thing. But whatever. And how about “lit”, is that a positive adjective? Let me use it in a sentence for ya, “Mom, my friends at school think you’re totally LIT.” Hmm. Again, I question its exact connotation….but hey, I aim to please! But I got this “slowing your roll” phrase down! It means to ease your shit up, slow your ass down…stop moving into everything so dang fast. And for the love of all things holy STOP FALLING IN LOVE SO QUICKLY! Phew.

Ya, just gotta slow my damn roll, Cowgirl.

But really, how do are you supposed to move slowly when the guy is doing everything in his power to make you WANT HIM so damn bad? 




Pine nut.

Macadamia Nut.

And then there’s me. I’m a CASHEW….Half Catholic, and half Jewish. Oh, you didn’t see that coming did ya? Ya well, surprise! No Forrest Gumpin’ today, folks…no siree! Today, we are talking about me. Me, and my religion. And why you ask? Well, first of all…because I can. And secondly, because thank Goddess fucking Thanksgiving is over…and we have moved onto bigger and better holidays. What? You didn’t notice the lights up all over town? And the crazy-ass antlers on the cars, or the Ho-Ho-HO station on the radio? Christmas is everywhere! I woke up on Black Friday, and the world was covered in jingle bells, and twinkle lights. It was like Santa barfed all over Charlotte. But really, who doesn’t love a good dose of X-mas cheer? I do! I do! So, that’s why I’m thinking about my nuttiness.

I am a CASHEW. And I’m proud of it.






Whatever. I am all of the above, and I’m ok with it. I’m salty. Which is what my kids called me yesterday when I got all up in their shit for not clearing the table after dinner. Well, what the hell? What are they, animals? Were they raised in a fucking barn? No. I don’t think so. So, yes… maybe I got a tad bit salty. And salty I will remain until I get what I want. But then I got even saltier with Mark. He was annoying me. I’m sorry, but he was. So I gave him some attitude, as well. And he was completely numb to it. After all, he’s not married to me anymore. He can ignore my bullshit. But he did say this,”Ummm Jen, I hope that camp teaches you how to be nice.” Hmmm. Wow. Well, fuck you too, Mark. That camp. Well, YES duh!! Isn’t that why I’m going to THAT camp? To learn how to be a better person? To learn how to get nicer, and maybe grow a set?

Then Mark said something very interesting.




Clean air…

Open skies…

Let’s go back to camp!

Holy shit, I must be out of my mind but I’m going to do it! I’m packing my North Face duffle and heading  west, all y’all! Its time to hit the open road…and get moving. Going to get back to my roots. Ok, maybe not my “roots” exactly. My ROOTS is a cool clothing line outta Toronto. And I’m Jewish from Detroit, I can hardly call a bunk with running water and a toilet “roughing it”…but shit. I consider camping the Red Roof Inn! Not gonna lie, this is going to be interesting, and something worth writing home about. I’m going to a place where no man has gone before, and I’m not kidding. No man has ever gone here. It’s a CAMP for ALL CHICKS!! It’s called CAMPOWERMENT and there are NO men allowed! That’s right, you heard me. NO dicks only chicks. And I’m going in a few weeks, to get my mojo back. To find my she-balls, and learn who’s boss around here. I’m going to come back a lesbian.

No, no….

I’m not going there to flip for the opposite sex,…I’m going there to find myself. To learn how to be empowered, and strong. To find my inner-beast! I need to get my groove back, and start kicking some ass again. I’ve lost some of my spirit lately, and it’s enough!  I need to find ME. The me I used to be, and love.  Time to find Jen again. I know, she’s in there somewhere, and I need to pull her ass out. So, CAMPOWERMENT it is! Go on, laugh. Make fun of me. Then google it, dummies! Find it on Facebook, and be jelly. It’s like the most killer place ever! I get to jump off cliffs, and sing koombaya…and there’s even HAPPY HOUR!! Oh, and a trapeze! And there will be a DJ, and dancing!! And I’m not really sure if they know this, but I will be stealing the microphone. Duh. And then, I’l be in running the show! I will probably be teaching the Wobble, and the Dab. I mean, maybe…they will even ask me to come back and be a counselor next time? OMGGGGGG I’m so excited!! How awesome is this going to be?!

But there are no cell phones.

So, don’t try and call me. I’ll be busy taking care of me. And I won’t be accepting any calls from my family that doesn’t support me anyhoo. Fuck them, for not. I am in this alone, I guess. So this camp-thingy is going to teach me the tools I need to put me first. And second…and well, help me see that it’s okay to care about me. And that if I’m not in a good place, then my kids won’t be! Happy is healthy. And if I need to go away for a weekend retreat to find my happy-place, then so be it! Let’s paint our faces, and do some trust falls, bitches!! Who’s gonna catch me first? I’m all in, ladies…where is the dining hall, and what’s the hot-topic for the campfire tonight? Let’s do this thing! There are also big-time speakers, and famous women that have done amazing things. How cool is that?

Oh, and for the record…I do have support here in Charlotte. Mark, my ex…he supports me. Go figure. And my girlfriends, they rock. They know who they are, no names necessary. And I have some amazing friends in other cities, too. And my boys, don’t even…I will start crying. They are my breath and soul. And every single day, they tell me how proud they are of me…and how they think I’m crazy as a loon. But they wouldn’t pick anyone else for a mom. I’m always wondering what the hell they’re going to tell their wives and kids about me. Can you even imagine? I want to be a fly on that wall, “Oh, my mom? She was the best, but she was bat shit cray. She wrote this blog, and had this VLOG. And we thought she would stop one day, give it up…but she just kept on going. And then, finally…she hit the big-time! And was FAMOUS! And everyone was so proud.”

Ha! From your lips…

I only hope that’s what my boys say about me one day, and I can make them proud. But shit, I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t predict the future, I can only do what feels right…at this moment. And writing feels good, so I am going to keep on plugging away. I’m hoping that CAMPOWERMENT helps me own my choices a little better; teaches me how to accept my path. That I’m not going to please everyone, and  I just have to stop trying. I can’t make everyone happy in this lifetime, in fact…it’s fucking impossible. Do you think Chelsea Handler, or Sarah Silverman is liked by everyone? Or Amy Schumer’s parents loved everything that came out of her mouth? Shit. I won’t apologize anymore. It’s just who I am, until I decide to quit.

So, in three weeks, I’m headed out west to Malibu, California. To “detox from the digital world” and laugh, and have some fun. And hang out with lots of other women that feel just like me. I will refocus, and maybe find some new connections, and make some new friends. I so need this. I only have one person to thank, and she knows who she is…and she totally gets it. I love my soul-sister, and writing partner-in-crime...The Medicated Mommy. Go read her stuff, she’s pretty talented in her own right. And it’s not easy putting your shit out there, trust me. CAMPOWERMENT, here I come. I wonder if they have any clue what’s in store for them? The Truth Hurvitz, is a whole lot to handle, don’tcha think? ;)

xo j