bar mitzvahs




The invites are out.

There is no turning back.

Six weeks from today…

My baby boy will become a man.

He will read from the Torah.

Jonah will become a Bar Mitzvah…

And I, will be sitting there, as still as I can…allowing some dick head DJ control the biggest night of my kid’s life. Run the party. Lead the Horah. Pass out the tinsel maracas. Omg. I can’t even breathe, as I am typing. My hands are shaking. My palms are sweaty. I don’t think I am capable of just watching. I just don’t think I can do it. How in Goddess’s name am I going to relax, and allow some person that I don’t even know to MC MY KID’S BAR MITZVAH? I just don’t think I can. I actually feel bad for the guy. I mean, does he even know who he is dealing with? I am meshugie. But I have MC’d like 2000 Mitzvahs in my career. Ok, maybe not 2000. But Joe Cornell Entertainment in the D taught me everything I know. Sigh. I already told Jonah, if the dude sucks, he’s out. I will pummel him, and throw him to the ground…rip the microphone from his hands, and take over.

And do you know what Jonah said?

“Mom, if you even touch the microphone, I will tackle you to the floor.”


Tough crowd. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that me, and his Auntie Julie had prepared a dance to preform. I literally told him I had choreographed a “little number” to go with the basketball theme. And we were going to be wearing Hornets outfits, and using pom-pons. I was fucking dying. He was not. He was freaking. His mouth was on the floor, and he was white as a ghost. I kept it up for a good three minutes or so. I walked away, and he is still not really sure if it’s a joke. Ha. Serves him right for calling me “woman”.

Well, I guess I better just hope for the best, and trust this DJ. I mean how bad can it be? He is supposed to be the “best” in Charlotte. So what if he plays the YMCA, or Love Shack? What’s the worst thing that happens, my guests leave? I mean most of them have never even been to a Bar Mitzvah before! I love it. And I am not kidding. I am having 200 people, and I shit you not…180 are not Jews. I even sent out a letter to all the parents of the kids explaining what a Mitzvah was all about, and what to wear. Everyone is totally stoked. And appreciative. And EXCITED! They’re not going to three parties every weekend, and bored out of their fucking minds. I can give them a T-shirt, and they will love it. Everything is new, and cool…and NEVER BEEN SEEN! Can you even imagine? Having a Mitzvah where nothing has ever been done before? Holy shit. I am in party planning heaven. Thank you, Charlotte for being so goyim-heavy. hehe. “Goyim-heavy“. I think that should be in Urban Dictionary.

With six weeks left, I am good to go. Really. I am ready. I will remain calm. I have my outfit. What else does a girl really need? Oh, I know…my Jonah to be happy. I just want him to have the best night ever. Celebrating his special day, and all of his hard work. With all of his friends, and family around him. So, I won’t be tackling anyone. Or yelling. Or freaking out. And I will most likely allow the DJ to do his job. Maybe. 

Now, who is in charge of keeping my glass filled all night? A filled glass would most definitely up the DJ’s chances of survival. ;)

xo j



Do you think my posts are too lengthy?

Like, too wordy?

Fuck, I say too much.

I’m long-winded. I go on, and on…

I perseverate. What a great word. Perseverate.

Isn’t it like the best word ever? I use it all the time in my house. Having a kid with Aspergers, we tend to do it a whole lot. You know..go on and on….and on about a single topic, or a subject. Obsess over it. Harp on it. Perseverate. Ya. Like it used to be animals. Fuck he loved animals. Then it was just penguins. He would tell me anything and everything there was to know about penguins. And now, it’s gotten much better…we are sports freaks. Jonah’s world has turned in to Sports Center, and we are all just living in it. I wake up, and get the stats. Before I pour his cereal, it’s a stat. When I drive to school, it’s a stat. Holy shit, ask me. Go ahead. I know it all. Every player, every team. Every God forsaken number, or score of which game…or who played for what team when. OMG. I’m in ESPN HELL. But, I love him. There is no other Jonah. And one day, he will famous. I am sure of it. No one in the world knows sports like my J. I call him, JSPN. (Jonah Sam Sports Network) And I say it with love.

So…it only makes sense that for his Bar Mitzvah I would chose basketball as his theme. Oh. Wait. Do all y’all know what a BAR MITZVAH is? Shush, up you Jews! I need to fill my non-Jewish readers in! I’ll give it to you short and sweet all y’all. And I hope you already know. But just in case…It’s when a Jewish boy or girl, comes of age. Becomes a man, or a woman. And that magical age is 13. It’s really quite an amazing day in the lives of Jewish families. I mean our kids have been preparing for this day since birth. Ok, maybe not that long, but close enough. The studying Torah, the Hebrew school…all of it. And listen, it ain’t easy. Jonah wants to kick my ass. He has to go to Temple every weekend from now until his Bar Mitzvah! He has tutoring twice a week. And misses out on lots of other kid-stuff. OMG. He is like ready to plotz! And the service that Jonah will lead is unbelievable, and he actually reads from the Torah. He will be chanting (singing) in Hebrew. Oy Vey. In front of all his peers, and family. It’s a big damn deal.

Ok, so…after all this hard work, and perseverance…what do you think we do?

We THROW A FUCKING PARTY!!! Whoop whoop! And no one knows how to throw a party like a Jewish girl from the D! HOLLA! Now, some of you might argue that no thirteen-year old child needs a party like the ones we Jews like to throw. Ya, whatever. I get it. Its like a wedding. There is a DJ. There is dancing. There is an abundance of food, and a theme. And usually..the bigger, the better. But hey, it is what it is! And if you think I’m obnoxious, don’t come. Stay home. When you get my KICK ASS invitation in the mail, please, by all means…RSVP NO! Your loss! My kid, who just spent the last 8 years of his life studying Torah is having a party. He will have dancers, and flashing lights…and it’s going to be INSANE!! I mean, after all, do you know who is mother is? I told him that me and his Auntie Julie were working on a cheer to perform at the party. Ya know, to go with the “theme”. You should have seen his face. His reaction was priceless. Then he said, if we even thought about it, he would “tackle us to the ground”. Yeesh. Guess that’s out. ha.

But you wanna know the funniest? When I talk to him about the big day, he doesn’t really care. I tell him all the fantastic things we are going to have, and do. I have hired the best event planners. The best creative team. I have the best caterer, photographer, and video crew. The best DJ in town. We have like 2000 kids, and even Hugo the fucking Hornet! I mean, come on Jonah…can you give me something here!!?? I have Hugo the FUCKING HORNET!! But no. Nothing. He just says, “Cool.” Cool. The kid says, cool. The party is in 4 months. I am sweating bullets over here, working on every last detail to make him the event of the century! THE BIGGEST BASKETBALL BLOWOUT, BABY!

But do you want to know the truth?

It’s not about me. It’s not what I want. This is not MY party. It is Jonah’s party. This is HIS Bar Mitzvah, and he has done all the hard work…ugh. Maybe, he doesn’t want 250 people. Or Hugo the Hornet. Or the best DJ in town. Or a Basketball theme. Shit. I need to check myself. And being in the entertainment industry for 15 years, I should know better. I’m ashamed of my behavior. I have MC’d a million Mitzvah’s, and I promised myself I would never do this! But here I am…all caught up in the hoopla. But it’s just so easy, when you want to give your kid the best night of his life. It’s hard to focus on what is really important. Not the big-ass party, but the service…and the religious part, the actual Bar Mitzvah.

Yup. I guess I should bring it down a notch. Pull it in. Take back the dress I ordered 3 years ago. Yes, that’s right. I bought a dress 3 years ago. Now, before this gets “too lengthy” I must wrap it up. But before I go, I just want to say… Hugo the Hornet stays.  ;)

xo j