Yes, I have kids. They are amazing. And brilliant. And gorgeous. And fabulous. Need I say more? I’ve only been talking about them for the past 12 years! Jonah, my almost 12 year old, and Zac.. he’s 10, are the reason I get up in the morning. Why I breathe. Why I hung up my microphone. My life, my heart, my soul. I spent my marriage being a great mom, and a shitty wife. I gave them everything. All my energy. I told stories about them, and I talked incessantly about their little, quirky habits. I mushed over their every moves. When they cried, I sobbed. When they jumped, I said…HOW HIGH MY SWEET, LITTLE LOVERS??? I would eat their shit, I swear. Ok, you get the point.
They came first. Even before Mark, which is why he resents me, at least I think that’s partly why. I wouldn’t change it, though. Ok, maybe I would have changed it. Woulda shoulda coulda. Sorry, M. But they didn’t ask to be here. They are my job.
But they are also why I stayed married longer than I should have. “The Truth Hurvitz”, right? Awww, come on. Pick your mouths up of the floor, and give me a fucking break. You all know, it’s why most people try to make it work. And you should! For the kids, right? Why you fight a little harder, a little longer..MY kids deserve BOTH parents. I just couldn’t walk out! We made the best team. I would destroy them. My head was filled with guilt, and “what-if’s”. Even if we’re not happy. Come on, Jen. Suck it up. “Happy” is relative. I mean, give me a break, is anyone REALLY happy? I know I used to compare my marriage to other people’s and think, “We are way happier than so-and-so”! But come on. Fuck. Is that a way to live? Just being “happier” than the assholes that are miserable?
Until one day, you just can’t do it anymore. You wake up and realize,”Shit, it’s MY turn”. I deserve to be happy. And if I’m not happy, my kids won’t be happy. WE deserve better. I deserve more.
So, now.. it’s MY turn. My turn to live my life how I choose to live it. OMG. Wait. Hold on, I need to read that again. Out loud. MY TURN. Holy shit. It’s my turn!!! I actually get a turn? I get to shower by myself? And take a piss without the boys yelling for me! And I get to use the phone without a kid screaming. I have alone time. I have space. Maybe this “divorce thing” isn’t going to be so bad after all? I mean, sure, it sucks. And I miss my family. But I actually have a little time to myself. I kinda have a life again. And for every other weekend, I am alone. Wow. This is weird. I even have my own money. And I can shop whenever I want, and I don’t feel guilty. Sounds selfish, but I don’t really care. It is true. It feels freaking good. I have a little bit of me back. And ya know what? It’s ok. And I can bet, that Mark feels the same way. But he doesn’t have a blog, dammit. This is about ME!
Ok, so here’s the deal. I am trying something new. I have kids. And they are fabulous. And brilliant. I love them to death, but I am my own person. And they are actually gaining a ton of confidence from this divorce. And independence. My therapist thinks, this might be a positive thing. I shit you not! They are learning to do things on their own, without me. (ugh). So, I am not going to blog about them. This is a “Kid-Free Zone”. Cause really, do you think Jonah and Zac want me writing about them anyways? They would kick my ass. I Facebook about them, and they want to kill me. It’s not so cute anymore to talk about the crap they do, like swear..or fart. And really, the fact that Jonah has pubic hair is something that should not be shared with the entire world. For fucksake, he would plotz. I think I should change his name.
This blog is for me. My selfish-happy place. A place for me to vent, and talk about all things kid-unfriendly. I was discussing it with my sister, and we agreed that there are a gazillion blogs out there for moms with kiddos. Women with babies, and breast pump issues…what not to wear, or what to do for your kid’s 5th bday bash. This blog is all about bitching, boob jobs, and bad dates. Ya know, life after divorce. Starting over at 40. Or, just new beginnings, when you didn’t expect them. Anyone can read it. I am like a roller coaster of emotions.. up and down, hang on and enjoy the ride.
And from here on out, unless my guys do something that warrants a good old fashioned “blogging”, they will be seen, but not heard. In the picture on the upper right side of the page.
I love you, J&Z. You are my favorite and my best.. to the moon and stars, and back again.