And then there’s me. I’m a CASHEW….Half Catholic, and half Jewish. Oh, you didn’t see that coming did ya? Ya well, surprise! No Forrest Gumpin’ today, folks…no siree! Today, we are talking about me. Me, and my religion. And why you ask? Well, first of all…because I can. And secondly, because thank Goddess fucking Thanksgiving is over…and we have moved onto bigger and better holidays. What? You didn’t notice the lights up all over town? And the crazy-ass antlers on the cars, or the Ho-Ho-HO station on the radio? Christmas is everywhere! I woke up on Black Friday, and the world was covered in jingle bells, and twinkle lights. It was like Santa barfed all over Charlotte. But really, who doesn’t love a good dose of X-mas cheer? I do! I do! So, that’s why I’m thinking about my nuttiness.
I am a CASHEW. And I’m proud of it.
So, what exactly is a Cashew you ask?
Well, if you’re new around here you don’t know about me; but if you’ve been following The Truth Hurvitz then most likely you do. Either way, pop a squat. My Mom is Catholic, and my Dad is Jewish. There! What’s the big deal? I grew up a half-breed. Big whoop! But some might find it a bit confusing around the holiday season. And to be honest, I find it confusing all the time. Even Jonah says it must be tough for me to be “bi-religious”. And he’s right, being a Cashew is kinda nuts. And that pun was totally intended, and rather well placed if I do say so myself. Go me! I mean, what am I exactly? Do I celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah? Do I believe in Jesus, or not? Am I going to hell in a hand basket? Yeesh. Let’s just bring out the Menorah, and the Tree…it’s a free-for-all! Who’s in?
Ya, well. It’s only been an issue lately. Or is it, as of late?
Who cares. Just let me explain…
Growing up, it was a non-issue. My mom celebrated Christmas, so we did too. My Dad, celebrated Hanukkah…so guess what? Yup. You are so good at this…the following along thing. Impressive. You just do what your parents do. Easy peezy rice and cheesy. But then, a nice Jewish boy comes a knockin’, and maybe I wasn’t Jew-ish enough? So I go and get dunked! I dip my ass in the holiest waters I can find, some Rabbi’s say a few prayers…and my best friend watches me. It was nice. It’s called the Mikvah…and poof! I was a “real” Jew. Years go by, I have kids…and we decide to raise them all Jewish. Duh, I am a Jew after all. Hooray! We are all one, big happy Jewish family! But truthfully, the entire time we were married…I just thought to myself (self) Mark is going to let me have Christmas, right?
Ummm, not so much.
My dreams of a White Christmas were put on ice.
But hey! We were able to go to my Mom’s house for Christmas! And that was great. But as far as having any kind of tree, or gifts in OUR house? That dream went down the drain with the Mikvah water. So now, it’s 14 years later…and I’m DIVORCED! Are ya with me? And I am longing for the Christmas I had as a child. It was awesome! And yes, I promised to raise my boys Jewish. I am not going to change that. Jonah had his Bar Mitzvah, and Zac’s is in the spring. But this December, Christmas and the First Night of Hanukkah actually fall on the same day! That is kinda, sorta…well, COOL! And it rarely ever happens. Ok, it happens every 7 years, I’m pretty sure. But whatever, this year is the year to celebrate them together!
I want a tree.
I want a stocking.
I want Christmas. No, I want Chrisukkah! A big party with cookies, and presents. And Santa. And dreidels! And I’m going to make latkes. Fuck, hold the phone. We all know it will end badly if I cook. In fact, my kids won’t even show up. I’ll have to cater it, duh…can’t have shitty-ass latkes! But I will make my Mom’s famous sugar cookies. YES! In BOTH holiday shapes…blue frosting and the red, too! And boy, can I make a great cookie. Bitch, please. Do you know how good I am with a Kitchen Aid mixer? Shiiiiit. I am so excited! This will be SO fun! Who’s coming over? It’s a totally Cashew Chrisukkah! Oh my Goddess, I am a nut.
But I do think Chrisukkah should be a new holiday, don’t you? Or Hanumas. Either way, let’s get that shit on a Hallmark Card and fast, I’m seeing dollar signs. Merry Hanamas, or Happy Chrisukkah! Perfect. And while we’re at it, let’s make Cashew a new religion. ;)