I am tapping.
And it hardly ever happens.
You know, when I actually hesitate before I type. Think before I talk. Watch what I say before I actually spew the words onto the page, or screen. Whatever, I’m counting to ten. This time in Spanish. Uno, dos, tres…you know the drill. I’m trying so hard NOT to be impulsive today. I am. It’s not the usual “Blog Jen” you’re used to, I know. All of a sudden, I’m the “silent type” can you believe it? But over the past few weeks, things have become kinda well…weirdish. I have been laying low, under the radar so-to-speak. I’ve been confused…unsure what to do. I am so accustom to putting it all out there, that now not writing at all is just easier, I guess. Make sense?
It’s been a total internal struggle.
I want to scream.
I want to shout.
I want to let my fingers explode all my emotions and feelings…and thoughts across the screen because I have SO much to tell you! Its like my insides are just dying to get out! But OMG I just can’t do it. I can’t. My life just can’t be shared right now. And it’s killing me. I have finally found things that are bigger than this. Bigger and more important than The Truth Hurvitz. And I knew when it happened, I would know. I did. I knew it. And I would have to make a choice. Or write about insignificant shit. Shit like anal sex that never happened. Or Tinder dates gone amuck. Or my favorite makeup and hair products. Shit that no one really gives a fuck about. Things that “normal” bloggers blog about. Boring bloggers. Bloggers that area a dime-a-dozen. The ones that get 20K hits by posting pix of the latest recipes that require only a box of jello, and a Twinkie. Holla. Good for them, and rock on. But really, who gives a flying fuck? Y’all only read my shit because misery loves company. You love to see me fall on my face, and pick my fat ass up again. And you love to read about who I am fucking, and which asshole will dump me next.
And that’s the truth.
And it hurts.
But its real life, and it’s my life.
And it usually sucks, but not now. And not anymore…for now its good. And I’m good. And good is good. I have finally found things that matter more than this. And even though I’m torn, and want to share all my happy-good news…I won’t. I am keeping my cards close to my chest. Some things are meant to be kept private. And secret. And mine. Some things are just for my close friends, and family to know. Meant to be shared with people that mean as much to me as the “good things” I want to share. And I’m not trying to be all “cryptic” and stupid. Or trying to get more readers; so not my style. I have no interest in that crap. In fact, if I wanted more of anything, it would be privacy. At this point, I could use a little anonymity. You try going out to dinner and hearing whispers, or to Nordstrom. And yes, I’m “that girl with the blog.” It’s me. I write the blog. Yes, for the love of Goddess. And yes, I am really a nice girl. And YES I have a heart. And YES….I am kind, and sweet. Stop talking about me, losers. Lol. Truly, it’s not that bad. I have great readers. And most are very, very nice. Come up to me, I don’t bite. (often)
But it sure is tough trying to convince people that make assumptions before they even meet me! I mean, based on this blog. They read it, and assume I’m a bitch, or a Prima Donna. Or they think I’m always crass because of the language. Or a slut because of my many boy-blogs. They pass judgement and they haven’t the slightest clue who I really am. And they base it all on like 10 blogs! All under the SEX category. Jeez, y’all. At least read some of the good ones, will ya? Read the heartfelt and poignant ones about me and my kids. Dig deep into the depths of my blog, and pull out the entries about my divorce…and how tough it is being a single mom. Don’t base your opinion of me on a Princess or a Pornstar! Be smarter, know that I’m more than what you read here. Or don’t, be a dummy. No sweat off my back. I won’t waste my energy on you, I have more important things to do. Like feed my guppy. Or buy a guppy. Omg. I am totally getting a guppy. Don’t you think I should get a fish? Or a hamster. YES!
I love it. And I hate it. This is a love-hate blog relationship.
But it’s the truth. My truth. And I own it. And I’m not ashamed of it…
So, that is that. Are we good? Let’s rehash this shall we? Sum it up in a few brief words…Silence is Golden. I totally stole that from the movie theater. I did. Remember that gold statue guy from the previews at the movies, when he comes out and “shushes” and tells us all to shut the fuck up? Yup. Silence is Golden. I think it’s also a song title or something. And an idiom. Whatever. I’m good. My life is good. Hope you’re good. Good?
It’s all good…(breathing)…for now. ;)