I feel sick.
I can hardly write…
My big, comfy-writing chair has been pulled out from under me.
And now, I’m uncomfy on the couch…in an awkward position that I’m clearly not used to. And I’m not sure this blog will ever be the same. It will probably suck. And all y’all will feel the change in the flow…in the feel, the voice. Because, truly if you’re not in the place where you are feeling your best, how can you actually do your best? Omg. Come back you fucking bitch with my chair!! I can’t even believe I sold the damn thing, can you? But I need a new couch, and some Botox on my “number 11’s” so I posted it on the Moms’ In Charge website that all of us Charlotte Momma’s sell our shit on. And it was like sold in 2.3 seconds. Gone. Poof. Like Mr. Maybe. Vanished, and out the door.
My writing chair, gone.
So, I feel sick. Of course, I’m starting to get over it even as I type. In fact, now that I’ve vented I can move on. Wow. It’s amazing what a little sharing can do for a girl. Although how much sharing is too much sharing? I mean, do you think you can ever share too much, too soon? I had this conversation with a close friend last night. He said that he likes to keep his “cards close to his hand”. Wait, is that what he said? WTF does that even mean? He didn’t say that, did he? No way, I was a little drunk, and it was like 2am…we were on the phone, and I was falling asleep. So I don’t have a fucking clue what he said, but whatever. He basically told me I talk too much. Yup. He did. He told me I talk to much, and I tell people my personal shit too soon. Well, duh! I’m a Jewish Girl from Detroit! Did he miss the memo? I have no filters!
But he does have a point.
I guess if you tell people all the good things that are happening in your life, and then they don’t happen…you look like a total schmuck. So, why not keep my big mouth shut, until I know for sure! YES! That’s what I’m going to do from now on! I’m going to try and not get overly excited about the “Mr. Maybes” of the world, and the movies I’m going to produce…and the new cars I’m going to buy. I’m just going to sit, and chill with my shiz. And then, when it’s 99% good to go…I’ll tell my friends, and the world. HOOORAY world, I am actually in love with this great guy and it’s for REAL! Call the RABBI! Ya. Whatever, you get it. Instead of shooting my mouth of right when I meet a fucking douche at the bar. And professing my undying love for him to my entire Truth Hurvitz audience, only to be “ghosted” the next day. Loser, Mr. Maybe. You are such a god damn loser. I will get over it, give me one more blog, y’all. One more…
So, I’m going to put a big piece of duct tape over my mouth, and stop being so impulsive. Did you know its DUCT tape, and not DUCK tape? Ha. I really thought it was duck tape. I mean, why didn’t anyone ever correct me? I just walked around like an idiot calling it duck tape. I am a smart girl. I went to a great college. I have a super-high IQ. I do. Shut up, I do. But I have got to up my game. I got the CNN App on my phone. And I’ve decided I’m a total sapiosexual. Do you all know what that is? A SAPIOSEXUAL? It’s the newest term on all the dating sites. I had to look it up, too:
SAPIOSEXUAL: One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.
That’s me. I don’t care anymore what you look like, or if you have a fancy car. You can be shortish, or chubby. You can live in the city, or the country…or Oregon for the love of all things holy. But if you have a brain, I want you. And I want you to want me for my brain. Yes, I have one, dammit! Let’s just lay around all day and talk about smart stuff; intellectual stuff. Tell me about heterozygous traits for sickle cell disease, or how you debriefed terrorists in super-secret missions over seas. Sexy. I just can’t take it. I am over the dumb jocks that can’t even put a sentence together, or follow a simple direction in the sack. I want a sapiosexual male that says, “I’m amazing in bed, because I’m highly teachable.” How flipping hot is that? Secure. Brilliant. Find me this man.
Excuse me…Pardon me! I’m having a little trouble breathing! (wink, wink) Is there a sapiosexual doctor in the house? ;)