And heard the words.
My mouth wide open.
My eyes filling with tears…
But I couldn’t actually believe it.
The sound that was coming out of his mouth was forming sentences, but it surely wasn’t the truth. And it surely wasn’t for me. There was just no way he meant what he was saying. Things were going so well, our relationship so solid…how was this happening? I listened to him talking, and I tried to breathe. I did. I tried to take in air, but I wanted to kill him. Is that normal? Wanting to reach into the phone, and strangle the fuck out of a person? After all, he was saying things that I clearly hated. NO, he was saying the stupidest fucking shit I had ever heard. He was making a the biggest, stupidest…most idiotic MISTAKE of his entire lifetime and I wanted him to shut his big, fat mouth immediately! But he just kept talking. He did. Why? Why was he still talking? Didn’t he know I was on the other end of the line listening? And he was hurting me…
But he was saying how he felt.
And although I was hurt, and sad. And angry. I listened. And I yelled. And I freaked out, sure. But the words were his feelings. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to change them. I tried to. I did. I tried to convince him I was the best thing for him. I was the best choice. And we texted back and forth, and said all kinds of horrible shit. I hurt him, he hurt me. I’m sorry for some of it…and not sorry for other parts. But I can’t control what is out of my control. I can’t control a person’s emotions. I can only control mine. And I know when I’m not wanted, and when to cut my losses.
He said he was in still in love with another woman, and it was all I needed to hear.
It didn’t mean he didn’t care about me, or what we had over the past months was a waste of time. I just wasn’t the right one, I guess. She came back into his life, and he is choosing her. I can’t control it. Do I like it, fuck no. Am I hurt, hell yes. My ego is fried. My heart is crushed. I feel like a fucking loser. A fool. I feel like I lost a best friend, and an fantastic partner. He and I clicked, he got me. We laughed, and did stupid shit. I fell in love with his kids. And my boys loved him…he filled a place in my heart that was empty for a long time. And he has a good soul. A wonderful father, and a solid person. And I had my plus one again. We spent our time alone, together. I loved it. I loved having someone to do things with, and go places with. I will miss that part of us. The “us” part of us. And we had an incredible connection, which is why this hurts so badly.
Do I think he’s making a huge mistake? Fuck yes.
He is crazy. I know that. He will be alone in a month. and I won’t be around to take him back. But right now, I’m banged up a bit. Please! I am strong, and smart. I know I deserve better. Hell, I deserve a guy that sees the fucking kick-ass girl that I am. I deserve a man that would tell that ex to go fuck herself when she called. I want a man that says, “Sorry, (INSERT SLUTS NAME), I am dating an amazing girl named Jennifer. And I am happy with her. And I’m never looking back.” But he didn’t. Sigh. He didn’t. He made a choice to talk to her. Because he likes her more than me. And his heart is still with her. And I can’t be upset about that. The heart loves who it loves. I tell my boys that all the time…my boys. Omg. They are so sad for me. They saw me happy. Fuck! But hey, I will get there again. This is just a blip in my radar screen.
But listen, all you assholes that keep posting shit like, “Another one, Hurvitz?” or “Jesus, Jen… you’re racking them up!” take it easy on me, ok? Like I said, I have zero control over this shit. It’s not like I’m choosing to get my ass dumped. If I had my dithers, I would have stayed with this one forever. He was a keeper. So, please. Give me a break, I’m not Cookie Fleck. I’m just a girl, trying to find a kick-ass guy to hang with. I’m not pathetically searching like a mad woman, or speed dating for fucksake. I’m not.
Ugh, he just texted. My heart dropped. Hold on, let me check it. Oh, he said some nice stuff. He’s a really good guy. I hope he’s happy with the other girl. And I hope she treats him right. She will, for a while. Then she won’t again. They broke up for a reason, ya know. Whatever. And I don’t really care if they’re happy. Fuck them. In a week…I’ll be dating someone else. In fact, I have a date next week! You know what I always say, the best way to get over someone…is to get under somebody else! Wow, I just realized this time…I was the “somebody” else. I feel used! He totally used me to get over this bitch. Awesome.
Oh well, it was a fun couple of months. I got to fly in a plane, and shoot a gun…and fall in like. Now, if I can just stop thinking about him…and his cute smile. And awesome legs…and….fuck, how he kissed. Who is free tonight? Drinks on me! ;)