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So my legs were in the stirrups…

Ha.

I’ve always wanted to start a blog like this.

So, my legs were in the stirrups…

I am dying.

My legs were in the stirrups, and…

my ass was at the bottom of the table.

I mean isn’t that just the best start? It just makes you want to know what the hell I’m going to say next! I have grabbed your attention, and reeled ya in…omg. I am dying, and my father is hiding. I feel badly for my parents sometimes. I know this is so not what they signed up for, but they have been so good about it. Truly, they get stopped all the time at home in Detroit. At Sunny’s, or at Plum Market. People just asking them the same damn thing, “Do you read what Jennifer writes?” I love it. And my Mom, just laughs, and says how funny the whole thing is. Trish, that little bunny. I adore her. And my Dad, he just shakes his head, and says, “I don’t read it.”.  And he smiles. Art, you are the best. And I know you’re secretly pretty damn proud of me. But I also know, it’s been a tough 18 months on all of us…not just me. So, thanks Mom and Dad, for putting up with all of this, and the divorce. And all my mishegas. (craziness, for all the non-jews in the houzze).

So, my legs were in the stirrups…

And my gyno who could be not only the greatest doctor in all the land, but the dang cutest, too…was all positioned to get to work. Between my legs. And yes, I shave to go to the GYNO. Don’t you? Duh. I was getting an IUD. Are all y’all familiar with this little contraption? It’s a form of birth control. And I was only getting it because I was in a SERIOUS relationship with Mr. Big-ish. What the fuck. I mean, the little Vaginal Contraceptive Films would be just fine, if I was out dating. But I made the appointment before we broke up. So I kept it. And as Dr. Awesome was about to give me a shot the size of Kentucky, into my vag…I told him I broke up with my boyfriend from DC. I love it. Here I am, legs up in the stirrups, Dr. Awesome holding a hugeungus needle…and he starts to give me relationship advice. I told him we broke up, and I really didn’t think the IUD was all that necessary.

Dr. Awesome and I start chatting…

I’m all like, he wanted kids. And he’s like, he missed the boat! And I’m like, no shit. And he’s like, let him go. And I’m like, right? And he’s like, “Jennifer, do not let him be your “only” one at this point.”  And I’m like, Dr. Awesome, you are totally AWESOME! And then he sticks that fucking needle into my cervix, and says, “You’re going to feel a little burning.” And I say, “Hey, Dr. Awesome, you are not so awesome anymore.” lol. Now I’m good to go. Thanks, Mr. Big-ish. I am totally set for my next relationship. My next man is going to love you for talking me into this IUD thingy. Well, after he goes through his round of STD testing, and shots. And I screen him for everything under the sun. My next guy. Hmmmm. My next guy? Yeesh.

My next relationship is going to be different.

It’s going to be easy. And fun. It’s the summer for the love of Goddess! Life is good. But, I’m going to be picky. I’m back on JDate, and I hate it already. The 30 year-olds won’t leave me alone. They need a momma. And the 60-somethings are sweet. If you like men who are really 70, with saggy balls. Because you know they are lying. So, guys…if you are not in your 40s or 50s, don’t message me with your bullshit. Unless you are 35-ish. With a kid. And you live in…like Tennessee. And happen to look like Bradley Cooper. Then, hit me up.

Oh, by the way. I eventually got out of the stirrups. And my OBGYN was thrilled to know that our entire appointment would probably be blog-worthy. I mean, come on, Dr. Awesome…how lucky am I to have a great doctor, and a shrink all in one place? One-stop-shopping. Kinda. With my legs spread, and the man talking to my vagina. But you get the point. ha. ;)

 

xo j