Whatever. I am all of the above, and I’m ok with it. I’m salty. Which is what my kids called me yesterday when I got all up in their shit for not clearing the table after dinner. Well, what the hell? What are they, animals? Were they raised in a fucking barn? No. I don’t think so. So, yes… maybe I got a tad bit salty. And salty I will remain until I get what I want. But then I got even saltier with Mark. He was annoying me. I’m sorry, but he was. So I gave him some attitude, as well. And he was completely numb to it. After all, he’s not married to me anymore. He can ignore my bullshit. But he did say this,”Ummm Jen, I hope that camp teaches you how to be nice.” Hmmm. Wow. Well, fuck you too, Mark. That camp. Well, YES duh!! Isn’t that why I’m going to THAT camp? To learn how to be a better person? To learn how to get nicer, and maybe grow a set?
Then Mark said something very interesting.
He said, that I am nice. And sweet. And kind…a total push-over. In fact, I never say the word no. And I let people basically shit all over me. I will pretty much do anything for anyone. But then, I get home…and I take my resentment, and anger out on the people I CARE about the most. The ones that don’t deserve to be yelled at, they didn’t do anything! They didn’t ask me to do something I didn’t want to do. Get it? Like my kids. Or Mark. Or whoever I happen to be dating. My family, sometimes. I take all the stress from not standing up for myself, and I unleash it on the people in my life that are supposed to “unconditionally love” me. Ugh. How fucking fucked up is that? It’s just not right, on SO many levels.
I need to learn to say no in the first place.
I need to learn to say how I feel when I’m feeling it, and express myself properly. Not in a salty-fashion, but sweetly. Calmly. So I don’t feel taken advantage of. Oprah once said to use the “calendar” excuse. Like this, when someone asks you to do them a favor… or wants you to commit to something on the spot. Instead of feeling pressure to say YES immediately, say this, “Oh, wow (insert pushy-person’s name) I would really love to (insert thing you really don’t want to do) but I have to go home and check my calendar.” OMG! That is like ingenious, right? So brilliant, Oprah! You are so smart. Oh, except that now we all have our lives on our flipping phones. Dammit. My calendar is like, in my purse. What now, OPRAH …you dumb bunny! Grrrr. I am just going to have to face the music, and learn to say the word that nobody wants to hear. Including me…
I have to learn to say the word, NO.
It’s not fair to my kids. Or my EX. Or my new boyfriend, when I find him. It’s just not. So, maybe this camp will do the trick…and I will be empowered! I’ll come back stronger…and well, I’ll be able to properly place my anger. Or is it displace? Who cares. I just need to stop being a douche. And I’ll be less impulsive, cause I am a sweet girl. I love my boys. And it’s not fair to get all salty just because I took on a job that I shouldn’t have. Or because I said I’d be somewhere I knew I couldn’t be. I know my limits, I have to start setting them…and sticking to them. If I can’t pick up the dang Dunkin’ Donuts, then I can’t. Or if being at an event that is simply impossible to be at, causes me to break out in hives…then fuck it! I am not going. And then, I will stop barking at my kids for not clearing the dang table. I might say something, sure. But I won’t yell. And I won’t be a total biatach to Mark for not being able to get Zac from basketball…when it’s not even his week.
I will just be a nicer, calmer…sweeter Jen. And the people I care the most about will get the kindness and the respect they deserve. And you wanna know why? Because I will be respecting MYSELF. I’m important, my time is important…and so is my peace of mind. It’s the trifecta of healthiness! Sans the salt! Damn, maybe I should just skip this camp thing? Who really needs a 4 day trip to Malibu, anyhoo? ;)