So circa 1960.
Here’s what I want in my next guy…
Are you ready?
I mean, really. If I can blog about getting my face licked by a complete stranger…I can tell the world what I want in a man. Not the bullshit characteristics, people. The real crap. The stuff dreams are made of. Last night I blogged about wanting a guy vs. needing a guy. So now, I’m telling The Truth Hurvitz world, what I want in the guy, I want. Wait. What I want the guy, I want to have. Fuck. You know what I mean! I just want to put it out into the Universe, and hope that the Dating Fairy will read this, and Poof-me up a hottie. Let’s just start this already shall we?
- Act your age! Must be over 40. Duh. This is want numero uno. And save the “age doesn’t matter crap” for the dummies. Over 40 is not only a want, it’s a need at this point. No more fucking babies that want to suckle off their mommy’s teats. Cut the cords assholes! I have two kids, I don’t need a third! Playtime is over. And cut your own food.
- Proud Papas. Oh please, this is so important! I am so done with guys that don’t have kids. YOU DON’T GET IT! I’m sorry. Wait, no I’m not. You do not get it, and you never will…until you have your own. My kids will always come before you, always. And I will never put you first. NEVER. And men with kids, you should put yours first. I get it! Oh, and a Super-Dad is the sexiest thing on the Planet. A guy that puts his kids first is the hottest thing I have ever seen. Take that call from your daughter! I am internally gushing over you.
- Chivalry is not dead! What happened to opening a door? Or pulling out a chair? What the fuck! My dad would kick some of your asses from here to China for the way you treat women! Get off your fucking phone at the table! Look me in the eyes when you’re talking to me….and walk on the outside when we are strolling down the street! You should get hit first. ha. And the next guy who asks me to pick up the tab on the second date, is not getting any action. None.
- Blogworthy. Ok, he doesn’t need to be in the blog. Or like the blog. But he has to be okay with the blog. And by okay I mean, he has to be secure enough with himself to handle dating me. I am a whole lotta woman. I come with this “persona” and it’s not really who I am, really! And if he can’t understand that, then don’t even come-a-calling. I am “public” and I need a man who can come along for the ride. He just needs to hold the flip on!
- Easy Killer! Sloooow down! Why all the rushing? I am not ready for marriage. I am not looking for a guy to move to Charlotte for me, or move in with me…or anything of the sort. I just want to enjoy each other’s company. And have lots of sex. Watch movies. Travel. And laugh. When I’m NOT with my kids. I’m not looking for Blended here. I am looking for a partner-in-crime, ya know?
- Have your Cake! And eat it, too! My man will eat dessert. He will eat carbs. And he will eat me. A guy that doesn’t eat, is like a guy that doesn’t play with his balls. It’s just not right.
- Pretty Boy. I want a guy who is nice looking, sure. But he cannot be hotter than ME. I am sorry. I have a really serious problem when a man takes longer to get ready than I do. Or has more hair product. And no, you cannot have my Chi Dryer. Really?
- Be my Guest. I would prefer an out-of-town man. I know, you think I’m nuts…but I love me a long distance relationship. Nothing better than missing each other. And I can’t stand sharing my kiddos time. I want to give 100% to them, and 100% to my man. Makes sense, right? And I love my friends, and my space…it all just works better! Geographically Undesirable is the new desirable.
Ok, now go. Go! Take this list, and find me a man. I blog for you all the time, I try to make you laugh. I do my best to entertain your ass…now help a girl out! I’m not desperate by any stretch of the imagination, but I am obviously not good at choosing on my own dates. I suck at it. So, go! And Godspeed. May the force be with you. Oh, and if it lasts longer than 3 months…you win a $25 iTunes Gift Card. I have no shame. ;)