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So, I’m sitting here in Starbucks, and my head is spinning.

My fingers can’t type fast enough.

My mind is racing; I have so much to say. This month has been a total cluster-fuck. I mean, really. The worst in a long, long time. I got dumped for a flappy-vag, my sitcom pilot went to the shitter…and clearly, I’m a whiz at killing mice. Who knew? I just want it to be October. Can someone make it October? Who’s in charge of that shit? Yo, speed it up, will ya! I have had a pretty lousy go over the last few weeks, but who am I to complain? Who am I to bitch? Give me a fucking break, ya’ll. I’m here…sitting safely in Starbucks, drinking my grande, non-fat, two-sweet-n-low, blonde, misto…and I’m white. Whoooooaaaaa. What did she just say? Did she just say “she’s white”. As if that’s a BONUS? A perk. Like that makes her something special, or better? Or like white is MORE important? Well, isn’t it?

Isn’t being a WHITE person in today’s world all that matters?

Ok, who wants to kick my ass right now? Line up, all ya’ll. Come on… take a number. And then, chill out. I’m being sarcastic. What, can’t you feel the sarcasm dripping off the page? Yeesh. Don’t you know me better than that? Stay with me…

I am a single white female. I’m sitting here, safely in Starbucks… typing on my MacBook Air, with my perfectly-manicured fingers…and I’m whiter than rice. And I also am privileged! Oooooh!! I have a little money. That makes me even cooler. Oh, but not that perfectly-white. I have a little bit of “imperfect” in me. I’m a Jew. Shit. There goes my ticket to Perfection Land. Fuck! I’m a Jewish White Female. Crap!! I’m not only Jewish, and white…I have a VAGINA! Well, my day is ruined. Have I made my point yet? Are you all kind of picking up what I’m laying down? Ok, ok…I’ll keep going. For those of you who are a little bit slower on the uptake…

I love black people.

I do. I have a friend that actually asked me if I ever dated a black man. I was like, “Ummm no, but not because I don’t like them.” What the fuck? What was that? That was all wrong on so many levels. First, her asking me if I dated black men, and next…my response. And yes, I do date black men. Oh, wait. I’m sorry. Is it ok if I call you “black”? Do I offend you black peeps by calling you black? I mean, I just have no fucking clue what is politically correct these days. I feel like everything needs to be in quotes. Ugh. I call myself a Jew, but I am a Jew. And I call myself “jappy” but for fucksake, I am a Jap. Help a girl out! Should I call all y’all African Americans, even though most of you are not exactly from Africa? Oh, please…Don’t start getting all huffy. Don’t start sending me messages telling me I’m a racist. Or I hate black people. Or I’m obnoxious. Or I can’t tell my ass from my face, this is my blog…and I can say whatever the fuck I want. And so you know, I am the furthest thing from racist. I think. I mean, I hope.

But am I?

Who even knows anymore! I’m so unsure of what is “racist” and what’s not…I have no clue! I mean, can I call an African American person, “Black”? Is that racist? Or is it ok to tell a Jew he is “good with money”? I know lots of goyim (non-Jew in Yiddish, kinda racist) people that are good with a buck. Maybe not as good as a Jew, but hey! Or can my kids listen to Drake say “nigger” in his songs…but then when they sing the lyric outloud, I should scream at them? Tell me! Someone tell me what to do! Because, right now…I scream at my kids. I’m like DO NOT SAY THAT WORD! (they say it, btw. They say they’re allowed) Are they?

I have NO IDEA. They watch these fucking shows on TV like South Park, and Brickleberry… and they laugh. No, they laugh so hard tears pour down their faces. What the hell? It’s inappropriate, right? But I laugh, too! It’s funny! Isn’t it? I mean, don’t you laugh at South Park? And how about Chris Rock, when he does his schtick. Or Larry David, when he does his “Jew thing”. Help me understand. Because I don’t.  And right now, I am pissed. I’m pissed at the state of my city. I’m mad as hell. I want to scream, and cry. And I want to tell the entire world, that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. It is. It’s us. All of us. It’s our social media, and our stupid South Park episodes about Jews, and Blacks. And Asians. It’s all wrong. What are we teaching our kids? Our young adults. That it’s ok to laugh at this stuff? It’s ok to make TV shows like Blackish, and Fresh Off the Boat..as long as they are created by people of that race?

Or are we just too sensitive? Do we all need to lighten up, and just laugh a little bit? Embrace each other’s imperfections…and perfections. Giggle when my Mom takes 3 hours to order her omelette “dry, and with no oil” or her chicken well done, then sends it back because it’s not burned. Or just laugh at ourselves when we are at a restaurant, the bill comes…and they hand it to Mr. Weinberg to do the math. Make fun at the silly things that make us all different, and special… and unique. Be more tolerant. Be more accepting. Shit, I don’t know…is there an exact recipe to ending all this craziness in our world? Can’t we all just laugh…and teach our children to love. Love, love…love each other. And respect one another. It has to start somewhere, right?

I’m sad today, watching my “new” home unravel at the seams. I just assured Zac two nights ago that we were safe in Charlotte, after he watched the news and saw the NYC bombing. His little mind spinning out of control, I tried to comfort him… I thought I was telling him the truth. I thought we were okay here in Charlotte. Last night, we were proved wrong. He woke up this morning, to the news of our city in a State of Emergency. My heart broke as I watched him, shoulders slumped. His eyes tearing up. He looked at me, and said, “Mom, pretty crazy, huh? You just said we were safe here.”

My September has been pretty shitty. But nothing’s worse than having to explain all this to my children. I’m going to quote a dear friend today, her words resonated with me. And I hope she won’t mind. “If we just talk about the violence of last night’s riots, I’m not doing my job as a parent. I need to help them understand that their world is bigger than themselves, and need to encourage them to listen compassionately, learn and try to be part of the change.” M.W. thank you, girl. 

Be safe my friends, and pray for Charlotte. Love to everyone. #peacelovehope

xo j