This one was different.
He was different.
And I knew it from the minute I read his first message. The second I heard his voice. I very first time I saw him. I just knew he wasn’t like the rest. Shit. I had to snap out of it, and fast. But I’m telling you…it wasn’t going to be easy. No, not this time. This time was different. I know, stop shaking your head at me and rolling your eyes! I told you!! Every time you fucking roll your eyes, you take a little piece of my happiness away. Shit! I know, I say it all the time. I say they are all going to be the one. Winner-winner chicken dinner! And they all end up being Mr. Wrong. But this guy, different. Trust me. He is my PLUS ONE.
My PLUS ONE!
You know what a “plus one” is right? The person you call when the invite says, Jennifer Weintraub and Guest. The one that goes with you when you accept your Academy Award! The one on your arm. The guy that looks hot and says nada. The date of all dates. He’s the person sitting next to you when the camera pans on your face as they call YOUR name! When you walk the red carpet, and Ryan Seacrest asks,”Who are you wearing?” and then he says,” And who do you have with you tonight?” THAT person…he is your plus one! YES! This man was most definitely going to be it! My fucking plus one! I found him. I did. He was different. He was amaze-balls. He made all the other guys look like amateurs. He my friends, has set the bar. And I’m not quite sure it’s a good thing, because before we went out…I was sure men like him didn’t exist. But obviously, they do. And now, I’m not going to settle for anything less. Ever.
And I’m not talking about opening the car door. Or pulling out my chair as I’m sitting down. Big whoop. This fella, he brought out the big guns. But guess what? It wasn’t an act. It wasn’t contrived, or forced. It was just him. And I literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor when he suggested we have a picnic and watch the sunset. Hey Girls? When was the last time a man asked you if you wanted to have a picnic on a beach? I swear, I almost started to cry. Thank Goddess it was over text, what an ass I would have been. What a fucking loser crying over a bottle of fizzy water and a good hunk of cheese? But wait, it totally got better. He had the picnic basket specially made at this wicked-cool place in town. Who does that? We were having a glass of wine, and this super-hot girl comes out like Little Red Riding Hood from some god damn porn, and hands us this killer basket. I shit you not. And I almost kissed her with tongue, which might have turned the night into a whole different kinda story…
Anywhoo…we take the basket, and Mr. Delightful drives to this perfect spot on the lake. He lays down a blanket and we set up our food. I keep thinking is this for real? And we talk, and talk. And he listens to me. Did you hear that, guys? He actually listened. And he didn’t stare at my rack, either. He looked at my eyes. And he said smart (sapiosexual) things. And I got my ass eaten by fire ants. And we tried to see the sunset, but it was too cloudy. So, we packed it up, and left. He had bigger plans. Dinner at this great new place. It was fantastic. Best bread ever. Of course I stuffed my face, but he didn’t care. A man that eats carbs? Jackpot. What a great night. We laughed. Like really laughed. And we flirted. And he was mature, but funny. Sexy as all get out. And we held hands, and stuff. But not once did he act like a pig. He was a total gentleman. Mr. Delightful was just that, truly delightful. But of course you know there’s a glitch. Always a flippin’ glitch. Story of my life.
Here it comes. Wait for it…
He is not divorced. Well, not yet…He’s separated. And in the state of North Carolina, you need to be separated for a YEAR before you can be legally divorced. And I know from experience that dating during a separation is the worst thing a person can do. I was an idiot during mine. I made the dumbest choices. It’s not your fault though, Separated People! It’s not. You’re just not in a good place. And it’s ok. But I am not about to be sucked into that shit. I will not be this one’s rebound. I won’t be the first one out of the gate! Hell NO! He needs to play! And date. Have meaningless sex, and then find me. I can’t be his crutch during this time of heartache. I need to be the one he wants when he comes out the other side. I want to be his PLUS ONE! I knew the entire time, I had to pull the plug. I should’ve never even gone out with him in the first place.
I don’t “do” separated.
So, I told him. And he understood, and agreed it was probably for the best. I left and went home. Yeesh, well that just sucked. He was different. Ya, because he wasn’t jaded and angry yet from this bullshit dating world. Poor man. He doesn’t even know what’s about to hit him. Well, Godspeed Mr. Delightful. And if you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for giving me hope that there are still good guys left in the world. And thank you for treating me so sweetly, and giving me all the purple grapes. And thanks for the wonderful picnic. Even if I did get my ass eaten up by fire ants.
And Mr. D? If you feel like it, maybe you should give me a shout next year. Who knows, I could still be searching for my plus one. ;)