imgres-2Shoes.

Water bottle.

Lulu pants.

Lulu tank.

Lulu jacket.

Lulu thong. And I could stop this blog right here…CUT! If we were filming a TV pilot, or a screenplay…the director would be screaming, “CUT!” Cause I mean, it’s just so fucking stupid how dumb it all is. I’m getting ready this morning to take my boys on a hike in the mountains. Ya, you heard me correctly. A HIKE in the MOUNTAINS. And I yell up to them, “Get dressed guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes…I’ll be ready in like 20!” Holy shit, I run to my room…and I start pulling crap out of my drawers for this day in the woods.

They want to go HIKING with ME! YES!  

imgresI haven’t been here in a while.

I’m sorry!

I know, I know…

But I’ve been busy.

Life has gotten in the way of well…

Life.

And I’ve been writing for some pretty kick-ass publications! I’m on BLUNTMoms, and SuburbanMisfitMoms. And in the Charlotte Observer! Jesus. I’m legit. Like who woulda thunk it? After three years of writing, I’d actually get paid for spewing my crap. Ha. Well, I only have you all to thank. So, well…thanks. Thank you, from the bottom of my Hurvitz heart. I have a big one, ya know. A super, big…gigantic HEART! Even though I swear like a truck driver, and talk about my vagina, I have a heart. And it really is filled with all kinds of love for you, my readers. And now, I’m here. Back to tell you some really big news!

I have grown up.

Yes, you heard me…I’m a big girl now. After forty-four years of living on this planet I have finally done something right! Besides using the correct fork with my salad…

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He’s such a dick.

He is the biggest asshole, ever!

He has nothing kind to say.

He can’t even return a phone call.

He doesn’t have a nice bone in his entire body.

But he’s hot as hell, he has more money than Trump….and he lives in the “cool” part of town so who cares! YES! He is a DOUCHE, but so what! It doesn’t matter, he will take care of you…pay for all your meals…and when your alimony runs out in 2022 you’ll be SET FOR LIFE! Perfect. Omg, really? Is this what we have turned into, bat-shit crazy bitches? Searching for men that treat us like garbage, have the hearts of the Grinch… and can’t even utter a nice word out of their slimy mouths. I am nauseous; actually sick to my stomach. And I’m a little embarrassed of my gender lately…

Girls, you need to grab your lady-parts and stop dating dicks. 

images-2My ass is flat.

My tits are saggy.

My arms jiggle.

My kneecaps are loose.

My left pinky toe is crooked.

I mean, is there anything I like about ME?

Oh, ya!! I kinda, sorta…maybe like my legs. Oh, and my hair. I have great hair. NO, strike that! I USED to have great hair, until last week. I went to a new guy that chopped it off and now I look like a fucking dyke. A southern-bell dyke. NO offense gay women. I love you, and one of my very best friends in San Fran is gay. And she told me I could say “dyke”. Although when I texted her to ask, I spelled it “dike” which made her laugh. Ha. I thought it was DIKE. I’m so not a dyke. I can’t even spell it right! She’s a sexy-punky dyke, though. She has AMAZINGLY-hot short hair. It’s so hot. And she is hot. But I am not. I look like Barbie-dyke….so I digress, I used to have great hair. Now I don’t even have that going for me. But I could be a lesbo. #dropthemic

Why do we do as women beat ourselves up so badly?