I’ve had the worst week.
And if I really could tell you the truth, I would. Shit. I would spill my guts, and cry like a flippin’ baby. The Truth Hurvitz is just a load of crap. Which really sucks. I feel like a fucking fraud. I feel like all y’all should get your money back, ya know? Like there should be a disclaimer somewhere on here that says, “Due to REAL LIFE events, Jennifer has to LIE on this blog today.” Great. What a joke. I actually stopped going to my shrink for this exact reason. I started lying to her. Jesus. Who the fuck lies to their shrink? Umm, that would be me. I was testing her. I wanted to see if she could tell if I was lying. I know, it’s not right. But isn’t that her job? I lied when she asked me if I had a “plan for my departure”. I lied when she asked me if I was “happy”. I lied when she asked me if I thought I was a good mom. Finally, I just stopped going. I was forgetting what I lied about. I was exhausted. And she never caught me lying anyways. So dumb. Bye, bye…Dr. Dipshit. You lost your funnest patient. I was paying her to be my test-dummy. She failed, I got to vent for an hour. ha.
The Truth Hurvitz is just a big crock of shit. And I swear, it’s all Mark’s fault. Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m not “allowed” to talk about him. Right. My ex. That “guy”. The oldie but goodie. Whatever. I can do what I want. He’s not the boss of me. Ever heard of Freedom of Speech? I want to scream! I am so mad at us. We suck. We were supposed to be friends forever! It’s like the entire world can say a big fat, “I TOLD YOU SO!” Fine, go ahead. Say it, losers. We are fighting. It’s not perfect. We are struggling. Life is not a bowl of cherries. It’s totally the pits. At least this week, it is. I need a hug. I need to drink more wine, and hug it out. Hold…pouring wine, now. Thanks, sipping…ahhhh.
This fucking divorce sucks. Ok? YOU WIN. This divorce sucks. Right now, this week…this moment it sucks. And I’m not lying. Or sugar coating it. It flat-out blows.
You all told me so. You can all be right, if it makes you feel better. We had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad….week. And thank you Alexander for letting me “borrow” your book title. It’s one of my most favorites. I wish, sometimes…I could be back in Detroit, reading it to Jonah in the rocking chair, in the corner of his bedroom on Watergate Road. Everything seemed easier. Even though nothing was easy. Funny, right? Nothing was easy then. In fact, it was all so much harder. We had no money. Jonah was struggling with Autism, Zac was throwing up blood. But it was easy compared to this. I could control that. I had control over that. This shit, I can’t control. It’s totally out of control. Emotions, and feelings…stress and other outside factors. I want to cry. I am impulsive, and completely out of control when it comes to every day decisions. I am alone, and overwhelmed. Mark has become a mom, and I have become a dad. We both have stepped into roles we are not used to playing…and I want my life back. I want to be just a mom. I was so good at being all-mommy. I can’t fix a fire alarm, or take care of a hurt dog at 3am….but I rock at sex-ed and “safe kisses”.
I feel bad for my boys. I want to be the mom I know I can be. The one I was when I started all this, last year. I feel angry, and resentful. And I am bitter. And I want to be happy with my new life. I’ve made mistakes I’m not proud of…pushed “send” before I should have. Said things without thinking. I need to check myself, and realize my boys deserve a better, stronger, Jennifer. Hakuna Matata. Time to put the past behind me….and move on. And let Mark do the same. After all, have you seen the new Landscaper in town? I will not screw this current relationship up. Not a chance, it’s too dang good.
And that’s The Truth Hurvitz. ;)