imagesI love you.

I miss you.

I want you.

I’m sorry.

I’m thinking about you…

I hear you, now show me.

Words. All just words. Words on a page, or in a text…or via email. Whatever, they are just words. Which is funny, coming from a writer. You would think words would be just fine in my book. You would think that when a person tells me how he or she is feeling, I would take it for face value, right? I mean, why wouldn’t I? After all, if you say it, you must actually in fact…mean it? But what happens when the words and the actions don’t match up? The words are saying, “You are important” but the actions are saying,”You mean nothing”. What is a girl to do?

Should actions always speak louder than words? 

Hmmm. Y’all know how I love a good cliché! And this one has my name all over it. Come on people! Put your money where your mouth is…say something, then JUST DO IT. Don’t feed me lines of bullshit to appease me…only to turn around and fuck me in the ass. Do I look like a girl who likes to be told one thing, and then you do the exact opposite? Rhetorical. I can’t stand it. In fact, I’d so much rather be told “NO” upfront, then “yes, yes, yessing” me…or changing the plan. Why is it so hard just to tell me the truth? Am I that difficult to talk to? Is this a ME issue? Wow. When I was married, Mark used to say I didn’t handle the word “no” very well. That often times he’d avoid using it all together, because my reaction was SO horrific…that it was just easier to tell me yes. We ended up in therapy. That is not a ME problem! Too bad if my reaction wasn’t pleasant. I was a total bitch, but if I can’t have the new tile in the bathroom because we don’t have the money…YOU have to say NO! I need to hear the word no. And you, my sweet…have to have the balls to say it.

Get it?

I’ve learned to be better. I think. But of course, I’m allowed to be disappointed, aren’t I? If you tell me we are going out-of-town for the weekend, and then you cancel the night before…am I allowed to be upset? Fuck yes, I am. Any person with feelings would be upset, even if it’s a good reason for canceling. I’m still entitled to my feelings. Not coming for New Year’s Eve…ummmm, you bet your ass I’m going to be hurt. Even if you have a good reason. If you say your going to call, and you don’t (8 nights in a row). Yup, say it with me…I’m gonna be pissed. Even if you love me. And even if you say you’re sorry. And even if you tell me you’re thinking about me. I’m still allowed to be disappointed. But here’s the problem, cause I know you’re all thinking…there is no problem!

The actions and words DO NOT MATCH, lose the fucker!

But the problem is, I want to believe that the words are true. Even though the actions aren’t showing it. Because this one is good, and right. And this one I want to trust. And I know I shouldn’t take the shit I’m taking. And that actions should usually speak louder than words. But sometimes, under certain circumstances…you just have to trust the things that people SAY.  I have to learn to trust in people. Trust in MY people. It’s been a rough road the past 4 years, sure. And I’ve dated some dicks. Guys that have lied to my face, said one thing…but done another. But I can’t let my own insecurities from my past relationships sabotage this one. This is right, and real. And I believe the words. His words…

I know he means them.

I just hope these words I’ve written, can make up for some of my actions over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been pretty dang salty. Salty, dontcha just love that word? Ha. Well, the end of February can’t come soon enough…all will be right in our world. And mark my words, I’m going to be nothing but action! ;)

xo j

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