I’m going to lose ten pounds. (Ya, right.)
I’m going to quit smoking. (Care for a light?)
I’m going to work out every single, day. (Who are you kidding?)
I’m going gluten free. (You must be high.)
I’m going to stop beating my children at Target on Sundays. (See you in aisle 3.)
And I am going to do nothing of the sort.
Yup. That’s right. You heard me. No New Year’s Resolutions for me. No way.
I am going to be making an ANTI-RESOLUTION RESOLUTION.
And you wanna know why? Because I’m going to be realistic this year. I refuse to make one of those stupid resolutions that people make every NYE. Ya know, when they stand up and declare to the masses…I AM GOING TO STOP EATING CARBS! And then, a week later…you find the poor shmuck hiding in a pantry inhaling PopTarts, and washing them down with a Yoo-Hoo. Ugh. Poor loser. Nope, not me. This year, as I sit on my ass watching the ball drop…I’m going to announce (to myself) my anti-resolution resolution. Yes. Perfect. Something genius. And doable. And totally realistic. Achievable. Attainable. You get it. Thank goddess for the Thesaurus App. It makes me seem so damn smart. ha.
Like, I am going to keep swearing in front of my kids because I’m the coolest mom ever! Or, I will eat as many fucking bagels as I want, because they taste good…and life is too short to drink shakes all day! Or what about this one? I am going to watch mindless, disgusting reality TV shows like Keeping up with The Kardashians until the cows come home! Yes. And then, when I stop doing all those things…I won’t feel the agony of defeat. Or the guilt from not reaching my goals. I will just simply shake my head, and think…”Oh well, Jen…too bad you stopped swearing at the kids”. Get it? Ha. Brilliant, right? Instead of feeling like a total failure because I stopped doing something great, I’ll feel even better because I stopped doing something shitty. I should write a book. On life. Or parenting. Or stupid shit that comes from my brain.
So, I will not announce my grandiose ideas for the upcoming year. And when the ball begins to fall, I won’t be looking at my friends…each of us going around the room saying our resolutions. Clapping. “Ohhh, good one, Chuck!” Patting each other on the back, supporting one another in our quests for success. Hell to the no. I will be jotting down my anti-resolution resolutions. And perhaps, tacking them up on my cork board in my kitchen. I think I will share them with you now, my peeps. My fans. My readers. Because I love you, and I’m in a sharing kinda mood. It’s gotta be the time of year. Here we go, in no particular order:
Starting January the first….
- I will stop drinking red wine.
- I will stop eating green food. Including green Jolly Ranchers, and lime Jello. Oh, and watermelon stuff, too. Anything green. Green M&Ms, and Popsicles…as well as green veggies. I will be making a great sacrifice. I just love green foods.
- I won’t work out on any day that ends in “y”. Godspeed.
- I will learn English. And use it as the only language in our house. It will be used properly, and to the best of my ability. Holla.