I’m going to lose ten pounds. (Ya, right.)

I’m going to quit smoking. (Care for a light?)

I’m going to work out every single, day.  (Who are you kidding?)

I’m going gluten free. (You must be high.)

I’m going to stop beating my children at Target on Sundays. (See you in aisle 3.)

And I am going to do nothing of the sort. 

Yup. That’s right. You heard me. No New Year’s Resolutions for me. No way.

I am going to be making an ANTI-RESOLUTION RESOLUTION.

And you wanna know why? Because I’m going to be realistic this year. I refuse to make one of those stupid resolutions that people make every NYE. Ya know, when they stand up and declare to the masses…I AM GOING TO STOP EATING CARBS! And then, a week later…you find the poor shmuck hiding in a pantry inhaling PopTarts, and washing them down with a Yoo-Hoo. Ugh. Poor loser. Nope, not me. This year, as I sit on my ass watching the ball drop…I’m going to announce (to myself) my anti-resolution resolution. Yes. Perfect. Something genius. And doable. And totally realistic. Achievable. Attainable. You get it. Thank goddess for the Thesaurus App. It makes me seem so damn smart. ha.

Like, I am going to keep swearing in front of my kids because I’m the coolest mom ever! Or, I will eat as many fucking bagels as I want, because they taste good…and life is too short to drink shakes all day! Or what about this one? I am going to watch mindless, disgusting reality TV shows like Keeping up with The Kardashians until the cows come home! Yes. And then, when I stop doing all those things…I won’t feel the agony of defeat. Or the guilt from not reaching my goals. I will just simply shake my head, and think…”Oh well, Jen…too bad you stopped swearing at the kids”. Get it? Ha. Brilliant, right? Instead of feeling like a total failure because I stopped doing something great, I’ll feel even better because I stopped doing something shitty. I should write a book. On life. Or parenting. Or stupid shit that comes from my brain.

So, I will not announce my grandiose ideas for the upcoming year. And when the ball begins to fall, I won’t be looking at my friends…each of us going around the room saying our resolutions. Clapping.  “Ohhh, good one, Chuck!” Patting each other on the back, supporting one another in our quests for success. Hell to the no. I will be jotting down my anti-resolution resolutions. And perhaps, tacking them up on my cork board in my kitchen. I think I will share them with you now, my peeps. My fans. My readers. Because I love you, and I’m in a sharing kinda mood. It’s gotta be the time of year. Here we go, in no particular order:

Starting January the first….

  1. I will stop drinking red wine.
  2. I will stop eating green food. Including green Jolly Ranchers, and lime Jello. Oh, and watermelon stuff, too. Anything green. Green M&Ms, and Popsicles…as well as green veggies. I will be making a great sacrifice. I just love green foods.
  3. I won’t work out on any day that ends in “y”. Godspeed.
  4. I will learn English. And use it as the only language in our house. It will be used properly, and to the best of my ability. Holla.
There is NO way I can fuck this up! Do you see what I’ve done here?  Holy shit. This anti-resolution thing is pure genius. I am sure to be successful. I will feel great about myself. And all y’all will be wishing you did the same thing. Instead of saying, you would promise to be more considerate of others. Or spend more time with the kiddies. When you know, it just ain’t happening. If you really wanted to spend more time with your kids, wouldn’t you just do it? Why would you need a holiday like New Year’s fucking Eve to light a fire under your ass? Come on. Give me a break. Studies show, that although 40% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, that only 8% actually manage to keep them. Cray-cray, right? So why even do it. Just pick a day to make a change in your life, and change! No pressure. No hoopla. Just do it.
If you want to have more sex in your marriage, why wait until January 1st? How about June 12? Or next Tuesday? Or tomorrow, for Goddess’s sake! You need to quit smoking, throw that pack in the trash, and stop the crap now! Feel like you might need to drop a few lbs, put your fucking fork down. And pick up a carrot stick. Shiz. I’m no expert, but if you ask me…New Year’s is just a day. And who needs it? Not me. Tomorrow night, I am going to be sitting on my ass…drinking my white wine, eating my non-green food, and blogging. In English. lol. Resolution-free.
Maybe I’m not anti-resolutions. Maybe…just maybe, I’m anti-New Year’s Eve. Omg. I am. Do you think it’s because I’m going to be alone? Crap. I’m like the Scrooge of New Year’s Eve. Because I’m like, jealous. And angry. And mad at the world? Hmm. Do you think that’s it? Cause I have no one to kiss. No one to get all dressed up for, or go out to a fancy place with….jeez. Great. What is wrong with me? Get it together, Hurvitz!
Or maybe, I’m just totally full of shit.
And when the clock hits midnight, I’m going to be making a long distance phone call…
To my Mr. Big-ish who is far, far away. And I actually really love New Year’s Eve! And next year, there will all kinds of new things happening on The Truth Hurvitz! I just really hope I don’t pass out tomorrow night before I get my blog out. You may just have to wait for the new year! ;)
To be continued…
xo j