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He makes me laugh.

He makes me happy.

He is gorgeous.

He is smart.

And he puts up with me.

Why does he have to be so damn perfect?

And why does he always have to do everything right? And say everything right? And just be everything I’ve ever wanted, all rolled up into one perfectly-perfect guy? Shit. Better yet, why do I have to question it? Why in Goddess’s name do I have to look for something wrong with Mr. Perfect? OMG, Jennifer! Stop. Let this boy just be what he is…and leave him alone. Let him be, well…Mr.Perfect!

Why do I always need drama to make a relationship work? 

That my friends, is the question.

I swear, I’m sabotaging my own happiness. I am. I need conflict. I thrive on it. Its like I just can’t live without it. Do you know what I mean? It’s all going so smoothly…he loves me, I love him. We are enjoying our time together. Skipping through the proverbial tulips, and BAM! I decided to fuck it up. Just like that. I throw a nasty-ass wrench in the plan. I start a fight. Out of nowhere. Like, something so flippin’ stupid. Maybe I ask him if he thinks my kids are spoiled, and then get irate when he says, “Well, aren’t they all?” Or maybe, I bring up an ex-boyfriend’s sexual prowess, from like 1995. Yup. Anything to cause a stir. Why? Just have to make a few waves in the calm waters of Love Ocean. Why, you ask? Because drama makes us argue. And arguing is sexy. It gets our blood boiling…and our minds working. And then…

I can see how much he wants me.

Ha, you thought I was gonna say, and then we have sex! You dirty little birdies. You did! You thought I was going to say that we get to have amazing make up sex, and that’s the only reason I like to fight!! Get your minds out of the gutters, all y’all.

I like to test him. Yes. He fights, I fight back. We fight together. It’s like Rocky vs Apollo, sans the sweat and tube socks. And we go at it. And I push, and he pushes back. And I get to see just how much he really wants me. Hmmm. How mature is that? What am I 22? Ya, I know, it’s embarrassing. My shrink says I can control it. I can stop my behavior, before it starts. She says I know exactly what I’m doing. Well, lady, if I knew I was doing it…do you think I would do it? OMG. Here. Let me shrink myself. I think that I am totally, and completely insecure. Duh. I don’t trust that it could be good, and real. And it’s all Mark’s fault. See how I did that? Yuppers. Came full circle, and made this all Mark’s fault. Love it. I have trust issues, and major insecurities…blah, blah, bllllaaah. Shit, don’t we all coming out of these shitty marriages?

But how long does Mr. Big-ish have to pay for my Ex’s mistakes? Poor guy. We all have baggage.  I guess it just depends if  he wants to stick around, and help me unpack. I stole that from some quote-card thingy. But what happens if he doesn’t push back? What if, he decides that I am not worth all the drama, and bullshit? Ugh. What if…next time he calls my bluff, and gives up. Walks away. Pulls the plug. Omg. What if, the “drama” that I think I need to make this relationship work, actually ends up losing me the best thing I’ve ever had? Then who can I blame? Not Mark. Not Pita Boy, or The Face Licker….or any of the other fucking losers that I spent the last year wasting my time with. No way.

I will only have myself to blame. Me. The Drama Queen. So, I think I’ll just stop. I will stop with the high school games, and self-induced security checks. And I will start trusting us. And our relationship. I am a smart, sexy-ish, strong woman… and I deserve this man. He loves me, dammit. And let’s remember one thing, ok? No one is fucking perfect. Well, besides Adam Levine…he is perfect. Do you think he would take my shit? I would totally take his, all day long. A girl can dream. ;)

xo j

 

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  • Susan

    We sabotage relationships like this because somehow we feel that we don’t deserve it. Real happiness are we just fantasizing that we are worthy of someone truly loving us with all of our faults… Answer is yes we deserved it then and now we’ve earned it

    • Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

      I agree. Do you think I think I don’t deserve it? Ugh. I think you’re right. Maybe I don’t. But that, is another blog. Thanks for commenting. :)