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I am so sure.

You know I can totally hear you, right?

Oh, you want me to hear you!

Well, I can…

I can hear you, big mouth!

And so what if you’re hot, you are an idiot. And I wouldn’t go out with you now if you were the last man in Charlotte! Stop looking over here, smiling at me. I think you’re a total douche. You just had a full-fledged conversation with your divorce attorney in a Starbucks! On a SPEAKER phone so the entire place could hear you…and I think, no…I know, you did it on purpose. You, my newly separated friend, are a prick. The biggest prick in the world. And I am not impressed. In fact, I am thoroughly unimpressed. And I’m sure your 10-year old daughter would be sad to know that her Daddy was yapping all about her at the local Starbucks. Boo. And shame on you, Mr. Big Mouth!

Ugh. He is still making goo-goo eyes at me! What is he nuts? Why would he possibly think I would ever engage in small talk with an a-hole like him? He just told an entire story about his Ex-wife downloading “explicit music” on his daughter’s iPhone! OMG, NO! Not that! How dare she let her 10-year old listen to Nikki Minaj! The nerve of her! Please, you fool…pay your ass-of-an-attorney 300 bucks an hour so he can document that bullshit. I want to puke. No, what I want is to go over to his table…and grab his cell phone out of his hand. And tell him he is ruining his daughter’s life! And that he needs to shut his piehole. And he should realize that in a year, no one will even remember who did what, to who. All that will matter is if his daughter is happy, and if she is adjusting well. I just want to tell him, from experience. But I won’t…nope.

I can’t believe it.

He is coming over here!

Omg. Hold on. What the hell? He just asked me if he could borrow a chair. I’m so sure! A chair? He has a million chairs at his table! I am taking a picture so you can see his table. Filled with fucking chairs. What a crock. Do you think he can see what I’m typing? Do you think he knows I’m blogging about him? Whatever, bring it on Mr. Big Mouth. I’m not afraid of you, and your loudness. I just feel so bad for your soon-to-be-ex wife, and kid. I mean, the entire city now knows you’re getting divorced, and obviously upset about the “illegal downloading of explicit music”. hahaha. Oh, and he has a screen shot of it, too. This is too funny. I wonder if I could start a little business here? A business of getting into other people’s business…but only the big mouths, of course. I wouldn’t go around eavesdropping on everyone’s conversations, please! I’m not that kinda girl. Just the extra-loud talkers. The overzealous, intrusive and annoyingly unwelcome conversationalists.

Oh good, he’s leaving. Phew!

He’s packing up his laptop and hitting the road. Oh, ummm…That’s funny, he’s not looking over here. He is headed out. Ok, well…he didn’t ask for my number. Wait! Did you want to ask me out, Big Mouth? Wow. I thought we had a little “thing” going. A non-verbalish tête-à-tête, so to speak. He was making some eye contact, and asking for a chair. Ok, wowza. Kinda felt a nice connection there, no? I was picking up a vibe. One, big mouth to another…

Note to self: No one can hear me when I’m blogging. My big mouth is actually closed, for the time being. Maybe I should’ve given him the chair? ;)

xo j