Ok, I’m exhausted so this is gonna be short and sweet.

Hooray.

I know some of you have been talking about me behind my back, you bitches. Not all of you, but some of you. Yes you know who you are. I hear everything. I have spies. And they sing like birdies…

So,  I heard. You think I’m “long winded”. And I talk too much. My blog entries are “too long”, and some of you are even “skimming to get to the good stuff”. What the fuck is wrong with you? How dang rude is that? Come on! Every word that I breathe is GOOD! And how do you decide what’s “the good stuff”? Like when you see the words “BLOW JOB” you stop? You little sluts. haha. I totally agree, so you know. I talk way too much. I am completely long winded, and I never shut up. I annoy myself, and if I could just stop all this talking in my head….we could end this now.

Bam.

But I can’t. And I just won’t do it. Until I get my entire thought out, I have to keep on going, ok? Here it is tonight, as I sit here packing for my very first vacation with my new man…I can’t help but start to freak out. Duh. Me freaking out. Do bears shit in the woods? Ya, well. Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub’s freak the freak out. And it’s not over the stupid shit. Like, what to wear. Or what to pack. Or my shoe choices. If you know me, and a ton of you do, you are all shaking your heads right now…and saying, “NO JEN DO NOT SAY IT!”.

Well, baton down the hatches, here goes nothing. I am worried about taking a crap. Yup. I am. And when I was younger, and dating….I used to take Imodium before I would travel with a guy so I wouldn’t shit the whole weekend. I’m not kidding. Really. I would stop myself up, and have the worst stomach pains…and like want to DIE, before I would stink up the joint. I will not fart in front of him. I won’t. Have you ever read the book Farley Farts? Where the little frog won’t fart for like 30 days? And he ends up blowing up into a balloon, and floating into the sky? OMG.And the only way to get down is for him to FART!  That is totally going to be me. Just call me Farley. Jesus. And you know it’s a real thing that all us girls think about. Who’s going to fart first. Or taking a shit in a hotel room. I am sweating even thinking about it. I swear, I will say I have to go out for smokes, and use the hotel lobby restroom! YES! That is the best idea, ever! ha. Don’t tell, Scott.

Jeez. Who knew going away for 4 days was going to make me this meshugie? I’m getting a nervous stomach just thinking about it. And you know, if I eat shellfish…I’ll most likely have a diarrhea attack.  I swear, I will leave Savannah. I think, I need to go find my Everybody Poops book, and reread it. I clearly have issues.

Now, I just want to know….which blog was better, the one about blow jobs? Or this one about blow-outs? Oh, my parents must be so damn proud. ;)

Happy Memorial Day, all y’all. Be safe, and enjoy your families.

xo j