And if I get one more stupid-ass shot from a guy I don’t give a crap about, I just might lose my guts. Really! Last night, I was minding my own beeswax when I got a ping. So, I picked up my phone, and there was a text from a number I didn’t recognize. Ok, so I guess it’s my bad that I give my digits out to JDaters and Tinder-peeps across the US of A? But I do. And I am currently back on the sites, ok? Don’t judge me. I’m bored, and the last dude that was “soooo fabulous” just ended up being well, a bust. Kinda a bummer. He was a good guy, and a great catch. Just not for me. It happens. You date, you hook up…you hope it’s going to work out, and it doesn’t.
It’s my fucking life story.
And somewhere between drinks, and bleeding out in the hotel room, you decide it’s just not a “good fit”. Oh ya, we were hooking up…and I started bleeding like a stuck pig. Poor guy, he was literally covered in my blood from head to toe. Talk about bad luck. I had my IUD removed a couple days prior to our date, and it looked like a fucking crime scene. He was like, “Wow you’re really turned on!” And I was like, ummm no…that would be my uterus exploding. Great. Does this room happen to have a tourniquet? Can you call down for a cauterizer! Close me up, STAT. I swear, he asked me if I needed blood transfusion, or a ride to the ER. I wasn’t even embarrassed. I mean, at my age…who really gives a fuck? So what if I bled out all over a guy I barely even knew? I was just happy to be getting a free dinner, and a night in hotel. I love those little mints on the pillow. We snuck out of there so quickly the next morning, to avoid getting arrested. Housekeeping most definitely thought there was a murder in our room. I wanted to put down a body outline in yellow tape.
Great guy. We went out a few more times, but it’s clearly over. Maybe my Bloody, Bloody Vagina scared him away? Who cares. I can’t worry about it, and you know what they say…the best way to get over someone, is to get under somebody else! So, I’m back on the dating scene. Wasn’t that my point here? Yes. The ping! Last night, I got one. A text came in from this guy. It was a SELFIE. But not just any selfie, a picture of him sleeping. And not just sleeping, but sleeping half naked. And not just sleeping half naked, but sleeping half naked with his eyes closed. Ok, you get it. But, shit. He was holding a fucking TEDDY BEAR. That’s right, he was cradling a teddy bear to his bosom. Like a suckling baby, on his momma’s titty. Lord.
Now, listen to me. I don’t give a rat’s patootie if this loony bird was asleep with his fucking dog, or his kid… or his cat, ok? But he was asleep holding a large, stuffed BEAR to his breast! And his eyes were closed. Can you please tell me how he took a SELFIE with his eyes fucking closed? I was dying. I just stared at the picture. It’s just not right on so many levels. A guy, and his bear. I have nothing left to say. Don’t send me letters, telling me I’m heartless, or mean. Or call PETA telling them I don’t love animals. I hate cats, but I do love stuffed bears.
Why can’t I just find a normal guy?
Listen, I love taking selfies. I am the Selfie Queen. But I am real. I am wearing tons of lip gloss, and my head is usually cocked to one side. And my mouth is always wide open. And the caption probably says, “HOLLA!” I might send you one of me looking all silly or trying to be all stupid-sexy…but I can promise you this; I will not be half naked holding a stuffed bear. Well, I might be half naked…but never, ever will I be clutching a Muppet. ;)