My head is spinning.

I have so much to say, but don’t even know where to start….

To be perfectly honest, I want to scream. And cry. And yell.

And make the last year disappear.

I want to take my life, and put it in a snow globe, and shake the living shit out of it. Ya know, one of those snow globe thingies you get at all the airports? With little cities inside. Or, like…Times Square. Or the Vegas Strip…or the leaning tower of Pisa. They are so pretty and perfect. Whatever. My kids collect them. And in every city Mark has ever traveled, he brings two home. Jonah has a wicked-cool collection, and Zac.. well he could really give a shit. But we still do it. I brought one home a couple months ago from DC.  I carried it, so carefully, so it didn’t break…thinking that Jonah had to have it for his collection. It was the White House, duh. And I searched all over the fricken airport, just so he could have it. Stopped for a Dunkin’ Donut, and other shit, but got that snow globe. I am the best mom, I thought. I may have fucked up his life, but I will not go home sans globe! And Zac, I got him an “I heart DC” shot glass. ha. He loved it. Started “shooting” lemonade immediately. Mom of The Year, for sure.

It’s the little things. The traditions. The Thanksgiving turkey-shaped butter, and the stupid snow globes. That is the part I miss about being married. It was the table set for 5 of us this year, not 6. Julie, and Dave. My Mom, and Dad. Me…and an empty chair. I even set a place for Mark. Maybe not by accident. Maybe, just in case he showed up. Not because I missed him, or wanted him, but maybe because he kinda belonged there. I set a fucking place for Mark. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? I knew he was alone. He had no where to go, for Goddess’ sake! I invited him, he said no. Why did I do it? My mom, she even asked me. lol. I told her, it was for Elijah. And she should open the front door… we both laughed. I poured another glass of wine, and put my Whole Foods already- cooked turkey in the oven. Don’t laugh. You know damn well, this bitch don’t cook shit. But damn can I cater a good meal! And my Dad, he was the best. He helped me do everything Mark usually did. I’m actually crying, thinking about it. Missing my family…and wishing they would just move here, to be with me. It was like the best week ever. My boys were so happy. I was so happy. I was so happy, I ate every carb I could find. I wish I was kidding. Pass the sweet potatoes, please.

And my sister and I spent the week laughing. Not just laughing, like you laugh at a dumb joke. But laughing til your sides hurt. Laughing until you almost can’t breathe, and you pee in your pants. The laughter that you only wish you could have with everyone….all the time, but you can’t. Julie and me, we laughed so loudly, that the lady in the booth next to us at The Palm came over, and asked to join in the fun! And Dave, Julie’s husband…he let us laugh. Mark never let us laugh. Dave, he joined in, and never stopped us. It was the first time, in so long…that I felt really, truly happy. And forgot about my divorce. And my kids. And my fucked up, lonely life. I was living in the moment, knowing it would end in a few days. Boo. And it did. And after living in Charlotte for 5 years, you would think it would get easier, right? Saying goodbye to my family…but it doesn’t. And it never will. I cry every time they leave. And no, I’m not getting my period. I am telling you, it sucks. It just fucking sucks. And being alone here, with no one sucks. And I’m not asking for a pity party. Put away the invites, and the balloons. I would just love to have an “emergency contact”. Is that too much to ask?

Hasn’t it been the craziest year? I mean, if you would’ve asked me 5 years ago where I would be today, I never would have thunk it. Never. In Charlotte, with no family…no real career, and divorced. Yikes. But hey, let’s shake up that snow globe a bit, shall we? If my life was in there, and the backdrop was  a killer skyline of Charlotte….or the NASCAR Hall of Fame, and we shook the shit out of it….

I have amazing friends. And the best school in the world for my boys. It’s a community I won’t give up. And they play outside all the time! I mean, can you get better weather? And I have a wonderful life here, and a great place to visit back in Detroit. And I am free to come and go whenever I want…I can always go home, and my family can always come here. Life is good. And most importantly, my boys are thriving. Sure, they miss their cousins, and Grandparents. But they LOVE their friends here. Sounds like a perfect snow globe to me, no? All pretty, and perfect. And sparkly.

So, while there will be bumps in the road, and I’ll feel lonely…and sad, and angry at times…I know this is my home. And after my divorce is final, I will have to let go of the past…and make new traditions, and stop setting the table for 6. Or 4. I will be divorced. Not separated. I will have to let go of the thought of moving back to Detroit, and make a life here. Charlotte rocks. I love it here. My kids love it here. And I will learn to be Happily Divorced here.

I think, I’m going to start my very own collection of perfectly, pretty, shiny things. Who wants to buy me my first set of diamond studs? I’m totally over the fucking snow globes. ;)

xo j

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