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I should have gotten on the plane.

Why didn’t I get on the plane?

I packed my bag.

I drove to the airport.

And I sat there.

I just sat.

And watched the planes taking off. Thinking about my life. How it’s changed so much in the past few years. Where I am now, and where I used to be. How I miss married life, and my family. Filled with regret. Did I do the right thing? Make the right decisions for my boys? Would I ever be content with being “here”? Ya know, just here in the moment. I tried not to cry. And I just sat. I knew I was going to miss my flight, if I didn’t get out of the car and walk into the airport…I would miss it. I was headed to see a friend. Well, not just any friend…but this intelligent, handsome, amazingly-sexy friend, that just so happened to live in Alaska.  Ok, not Alaska…total Jen-ism. But it might as well be Alaska, because the real place he lives is just as far. But instead of going in, I picked up my phone and called Mark. It’s funny, since the divorce I talk to Mark more than ever. More than when we were married. We have a great relationship; I value his opinion. He’s my go-to when I’m sad. He is my “person”. And he always answers the phone. Or at least texts back. Except when he’s on a date. And I totally get that. Could you imagine? We have to set some boundaries for fucksake. And that is one of them. If he’s on a date, he won’t pick up. And I get it. Kinda.

Where was I? Oh ya…I called Mark. And he answered on the first ring. He asked if I was ok, he knew I was supposed to be flying out. I said, no. Then I asked him if I was an idiot. And of course he said “yes” to which I respond sweetly, “fuck off”. (Ex-banter, gotta love it.) Then he said, “Jen you need to hurry, you’re going to miss your flight.” Then I told him I didn’t know if I should go! If I should get on the plane to see Dr.McBrillant? I needed some advice, and fast. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why can’t I make a fucking decision?! Uggggghhh.

But Mark knew the backstory…

Dr.McBrilliant, is well…a fucking rockstar. He’s a genius. Way too smart for me;  I can barely hold a conversation with the man. But really, who needs to talk? I can just look at him and smile. And he’s sexy as all get out. He talks with really big wordage. Or is it verbiage? Whateves. This is about as sapiosexual as it gets, y’all. This guy is everything I’ve been looking for…smart, successful and caring. And we’ve been friends for like our entire lives. Yup! I’ve know him since we were kids. Friends. The friend thing, remember? We are friends. But he lives across the country. And he will never relocate to Charlotte. Never. And I know, you’re thinking, “Never say never, Jen.” But I am telling y’all…never. He’s a doctor. And a great one at that. He’s not moving, and I’m not moving. So we are never going to be in the same place. Well, at least not for a long, long time. And I’m not sure I can do that, or I want that. I just don’t know. But we have HISTORY. There’s more, but I only have 700 words. Don’t want y’all gettin’ bored.

So, I asked Mark for advice. If I went, what really was the point? Why even start something I knew was going nowhere? Put my heart out there to be smashed. If I went there, and I fell in love…I would be fucked. And if I hated him…I wasted an entire weekend with my boys, and my time. My head was spinning, and I was freaking out. I had minutes to decide. And Mark had a good, solid argument. He was rational and logical. Would I ever really date a man that lived across the country? I LOVE ATTENTION for Godessake! We all know I am an attention whore! How could a guy that lives in Alaska, that has such an important career ever give me the attention I crave and deserve? Sigh. Isn’t this just the dang saddest thing ever? He could be my true love! My BESHERT! (Look it up, goyem) This could be it! I thanked Mark, and I pulled out of the parking structure.

I called Dr.McBrilliant, and told him I just couldn’t do it.

Regret is the devil. The worst. You never want to live with it or have any, duh!  But life isn’t life without it. How can you not regret something you’ve done at some point in time? It’s unavoidable. We all make mistakes. Made a choice we wish we could “unchoose”. Its like a sliding door, or turning a corner…taking a left instead of a right. Would-a, could-a, should-a, dammit!  If only I got on that plane. If only I listened to my heart instead of my head, maybe we could work it out.  “If only” is the worst. Its like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye. Especially when Dr.McBrilliant is as wonderful as he is…but he totally understood. I hope he understood. I am kicking myself, dammit.

If only I didn’t say the things I said to Mark. If only we didn’t move to Charlotte. If only I didn’t let my marriage fall apart. If only I tried harder to fix it when it did. If only I had more sex, or paid more attention, or loved harder…or cooked more often. If only I had a second chance at it. If only I did it right the first time. If only I could forgive myself, and just know that people make mistakes every single day. If only I had 1000 more words, and a higher dose of Wellbutrin. If only.  ;)

xo j

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