I am over it all.
I know, I say it all the time.
Only this time, I think I mean it.
They all pretty much suck. Really, they do! And I swear, I’m about to get back together with Mark. Hey Mark! Did you hear that? Wanna get back together? I know our divorce was final in May…but I think I have realized that the grass ain’t really greener, and I can put up with your shit! Hmmmm. It’s the devil you know, ya know? I can deal with his mishegas. I know that he snores. I know that he isn’t gonna pick his towel up off the floor after he showers. And I pretty much get the fact that I annoy the shit out of him. Hey, its fine. Do you think he would even take me back at this point? Of course he would! Duh!
No way? He would never? Really, you don’t think…
What if I begged?
And I pleaded…Maaaarrrrkkk!!! Take me back, and put up with me pleaaasseee! I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be alone on another Saturday night… or date these guys who don’t know what they want! I can’t get all dressed up, and blow out my hair… and put on my extra-glossy lip gloss one more time. I just can’t do it. I’m exhausted even writing it about it. The whole thing is exhausting. The dating websites, and the flirting…and the being “on” the whole time. It just blows. The chit-chat, and the interviewing each other. It’s all so fake. And guys, my eyes are up here. Up here! Noooo…those are my tits, and yes they’re fake. About as fake as this conversation. Check, please!
So, now that I’m done guy-bashing, I can forget getting another date. But ya know what, I don’t care. I don’t want to date right now. I went out recently with one of the hottest, sweetest guys in Charlotte, and I couldn’t even make that happen. He said all the right things, we totally connected. He was an amazing kisser. Great Dad, too. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I let myself be happy? It’s that fucking hottie with the Ducati! Ya know, the one from San Fran. Crap. He totally fucked me up. He popped my Happily Ever After Bubble of Beshert…and now, I am jaded. I’m jaded, and angry at the True Love Fairy. She sucks, and he sucks… and as far as I’m concerned if you have a penis, you suck, too. I hate you Hottie Ducati. I really do. You were supposed to get me, and it. In fact, I’m blaming you for everything that goes wrong in my life from here on out. I know, I’m such a Drama Queen. But if I could just stop liking you so much…maybe I could stop hating you. Maybe.
So, I’m sitting here…drinking wine, and hating on men. How long do you think this will last? This little hiccup in my love life. This bump in my man road. I went off JDate. I deleted Tinder. I even cancelled my Match.com subscription. I am done. I’m going to concentrate on my new school, and getting good grades. And I’m going to make my kids proud! Who needs sex anyway? It’s not like I’m going to die without it…or my uterus is going to shrivel up and fall out. I will be fine. I mean, I was married for 12 years, and I survived that. Bu-dum-dum. What’s a few months without a man? Shit. That’s what vibrators are for, although I’m not much of a fan lately. Especially after the real deal. It’s so hard to go back to plastic.
But I can do this.
I can go man-free until I believe in love again. And trust. And that there really are good guys in the world! At least until Friday night. Yes, you heard me. I can go man-free until Friday night… because I have a date. What? It’s been like forever! And I think that “forever” is clearly long enough. And I have a really good feeling about this one. He even calls me baby-pop! ;)