“He’s coming over again?”

“Not again, Mom. Please. We just want to be with you.”

“He’s soooo annoying.” 

“I hate him.” 

Oh, and my all time favorite….

“Mom, if you even think about doing “it” with him…I will kill him.” 

Well, great. What do I do now? You didn’t “hate” him when he was surfing with you in the Pacific Ocean for 3 hours, Zac. And you didn’t hate him when he was talking about sports all day, Jonah. Oh, and neither of you hated him when he killed that fucking snake in our ICE BOX, dammit. You loved him! He was our SNAKE KILLER MAN! You thought he was the bomb. And you wanted him around! And you were sweet, and nice…and pleasant. You were respectful. And you treated him with kindness. Ugh. This is just horrible.

And now, you are rude. And nasty. You roll your eyes…

You little brats. Don’t you see how HAPPY I am. It’s my turn, dammit. It’s MY TURN to be happy!!! I love this guy. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, ok? It just means I like him, too. I want to have adult conversations. I want to be wanted by a man that doesn’t smell like dirty socks. I’d like to actually snuggle up with a guy my own size, and be fondled by someone who is not my SON! Jeez. Is that so much to ask? What’s the big whoop?! C’mon fellas, can you give your mom a break? Do you think you can stop swearing, just to get a reaction from him? And the next time he comes over, let’s try to chew with our mouths kinda closed? And the farting. And the burping. What the hell? Are you trying to scare this guy away? I want to crawl under the couch and cry. Where are my good boys?

Oh, wait.

I get it. It’s all making sense now. YOU DO LIKE HIM. Honey, they DO like you! Maybe, they are just getting comfortable. They feel safe. That’s gotta be it. Or they are realizing you are sticking around? And they’re having a tough time choosing between you and Mark? If I just put myself in their little shoozies for a quick sec, I can try to imagine what they’re feeling. How can they possibly like you, and not hurt their Dad’s feelings? Poor guys. This is really just awful. Call the therapist. Not for them, for ME. I need help. Up my meds. I feel sick. Pita Boy, we need to just chill out, and realize they are freaking out! Wait just a second. Didn’t you tell me that? You have done this before, PB. Why are you so calm? Why don’t you care that they hate your guts? Why doesn’t this bother you?

Ahhh….that’s right. You told me so. And now you have it in writing. My guys DO like you. They are just having a really tough time liking you, and liking Mark at the same time. It’s a hard situation for any kid to be put in, liking the new boyfriend…and not wanting to hurt the dad’s feelings. So, parents, listen up, k? Make this as easy as possible on your children. Let them take the lead. Explain to them, that you do understand what they are feeling. And that it’s OK to like the newbies…and not hurt Mom and Dad’s feelings. And also be aware, that sometimes, they won’t want to be nice. Or be around the newbie. They will get annoyed. You can’t be upset with them, or mad. You can’t expect them to be “on” all the time, they are doing their best. And hopefully, you will get a boyfriend as cool as mine.Or a chick who gets it. Someone who doesn’t take your kid’s blatant disrespect personally. Remember, they’re not being little shits on purpose. They are just defending the parent that can’t be there to “defend” themselves. A wise man once told me, that he told his kids, there are just more people to love them. A bigger, better family.

I like that.

So, I guess telling my boys to put Nair in Mark’s girlfriend’s shampoo bottle was not the best idea? Ya. I better go tell them I was just kidding. One big, happy family. It’s just best for everyone. Cue, kumbaya. And smoke-em-peace-pipe. ;)

xo j