Ok, let me see..
Swipe right, I dig him. Swipe left, he’s a loser.
No.. wait. If I like him, I hit the little “heart”.. but if I don’t I hit the “X”.
Got it. Hmmm. He’s kinda cute. He’s looks sweet with his kid. And on a boat. Look, his doggie! Wow. Awww.. there’s his sister with him in a tiny bikini, and they are hugging really tight. Ya. His sister. In his TINDER picture. Right. Dumbass. “X”! He gets the X! Gone. Like who puts a pic with their ex on a dating site? Does he want to get laid? TINDER. wow.
Have y’all seen this Tinder thing? It’s a flipping hoot. A “dating” app, right? And it’s basically all about looks. How degrading is that? You put up to 5 pictures of yourself into it, your age, a little blurb about your life, and POOF.. it spits out people in your area that you might want to meet. Amazing. Now, here’s the catch. They have to “like” you, too. And if they like you, and you like them.. it’s a MATCH! A Tinder “MATCH”! Whoo Hoo! And omg, it’s like crack. I love it. I sit around all damn day and play Tinder! I roll through all the fucking guys on my phone.. and find the ones I think are hot. Based on looks, age and a blurb, that says all of 3 things. OMG. It’s a joke. But I am addicted, because really.. I always match with the hotties that I like! hehe. Ok, not always. But like 99% of the time. FUN!!! So good for my ego. I’ve met a pro-golfer, YUM. A writer, hot. And an ex-pitcher for a major league baseball team, delish. I mean, those were the good ones. Oh, and a guy from Dilworth, that I really, really liked.. hot. But he told me we just “would never work”. Must have been my hair. He liked brunettes. Wait, Dilworth!! Check me out now!! haha. I crack myself up.
And it goes a little like this.. hit it!
“Hi, I’m Bob. I love to climb mountains, eat cheese, and I’m looking for a chick that never wants to get married. If that’s you, let’s meet up for a drink, and bang.”
Or.. if you’re lucky, you get a really nice one like this…
“Hi, I’m Bill. I love the outdoors, and watching sports. I also dig my kids. I just moved to the Charlotte area, and could use a friend.”
Hmmm. Both great, in my book. I love cheese, too. Who would turn down cheese? And come on, if they’re both hot.. who am I to say no? Oops! I forgot, after you “like” them.. a little floating heart comes across the screen!! And your pix “meet” in the middle! I get SO excited!! I do this little Tinder Dance! And it’s like a party!! I even let my friends play with me, this Tinder-game. My married friends love it the most. Sue, one of my girls.. she goes HOG WILD! Grabs that shit right out of my hands… ha. Gotta be careful for her, she will “like” guys just to fuck with me. Ya know, the ones with gold teeth. Dammit, Sue. Give me back my phone. Me, Jen, Tammy and Sue were all playing “TINDER” around the lunch table the other day. I was seriously squealing like a schoolgirl. It’s so not right. We have issues. Wait, I have issues.
So, after you “match” you can actually talk to these guys. And some of them are pretty cool. Some are all smart, and funny. And wanna chit-chat, and get all up in my shiz. But the thing is, can you actually TRUST a Tinder-Man? Are they as Tinderific, as they seem, or are they just hiding behind the 5 pictures and the blurb? Well, all y’all. Let me tell you a few horrifying Tinder tales, that will make you run crying back to your telephones, and little black books. And beg your friends to just fix you up on dates like our mommas used to do. Tinder is a totally terrific place, if and only if.. you know the rules. Listen to me closely, I made these up, k?
- Ask for their LAST name immediately upon “matching”. Tinder only gives first names. I always ask for the last name, so I can do a google search. Duh. Google his shit right up. This ain’t 1950, Dorothy.
- Ask if he has a FACEBOOK account. If not, the communication stops here. He is a psycho. Who doesn’t have a FB account? Loser. Check please! If he does, continue your conversation via FB, which allows you to probe deeper into his/her background. And to also see if you have any mutual friends. If you do, breathe a little easier, this person is not a total freak.
- Ask for more pictures. Ummm, don’t be shy. This is a MUST. Often times the pics they are posting are FALSE, or old. Or just a crock of shit. Need I tell you about the guy that showed up on our date a little chubbier than he was in his pics? Ya, false advertising happens all the time.
- If you decide to meet for a date, take separate cars. And meet in a public place. Even if you think you are going to marry this person, or you feel like he is the “one” which has happened to me a number of time, because I am a Tinder-Lover, do not trust anyone. They are all nuts. Except for me. I am perfect.
- Do not “put out”on your first Tinder-Date. Even if he is Tinderlicious. You will get a STD. Or worse, a reputation of being a Tinderho. And most people do date more than one person on Tinder at a time. After all, it’s fun! Don’t take it so seriously.
And btw, I’ve taken a poll. and being a Tinder-tramp is totally trendy. Totes. Although it’s not my thing, most people do Tinder-hop. Yikes.
Phew. Now that you have some of the rules of Tinder Dating, I feel a little better in sharing a quick story. But know.. the names have been changed. And the places, people.. situations. Basically I have made them up. Maybe. I went on a date one time from Tinder, and the dude actually wasn’t even the guy I spoke to. He was like 10 years older. Yup. Beat that, y’all. OMG. I was like, do you think I can’t tell you’re a grandpa? I wanted to just come out and ask him. I did. I wanted to say, “Excuse me, Jim-Bob, but your profile said 40. You are 60. Do you think I am not going to notice?” But I just couldn’t do it. Until the check came. And he didn’t pay. Then I said, “Honey, you are shit outta luck. I was gonna let you out of here, Gramps, but now.. I don’t think so. You lie, you buy.” I didn’t even feel badly. I just told him to cough it up. The money for the bill, while being careful not to lose his teeth in the process. And this stuff happens all the time. I have friends that have had worse happen. But I also have known people who have met their husbands!
So, do you tell the truth when you meet your sig O on Tinder?
Do you actually tell your people that you met on a creepy, dating site? Like ewwww. I mean, it’s just gross. Would you admit it out loud? “Soooo, where did you and Al meet, he is just the dang cutest thing ever!?” Swallow. Ugh. Well, ummm.. what do you say? Do you shout it from the rooftops? “I’M A TOTAL LOSER AND WE MET ON TINDER!” Hell yes. YES. Yes you do, people. You hold your head high, and you stand proud.. and you say, “The funniest thing ever, we met on Tinder! And we have the best story to tell our grand kids.” Snap. Who’s embarrassed about that? And who gives a shit? If you are ballsy enough to put yourself out there, and it actually works.. then own it. And be confident enough to tell others your success story. After all, maybe it will help someone find their cyber-match.
It’s not easy dating in this technologically advanced world we live in. For the love of g-d, some dude actually asked me if we could SKYPE for our first date, to avoid wasting our time and energy in case we didn’t “connect”. I was like, dude… are you kidding? There is zero chance of us “connecting”. You lost me at SKYPE. And no, I won’t send you a pic of my vagina. Really. NO. Not my tits, either. You want to do what? omg. Call me. Sorry, focus, Jen.
Back to the drawing board. I love being called on the phone. And picked up at my house. Cowbell Guy picked me up at my sister’s house. And met my parents. So sweet. And Pita Guy, he actually opens the door for me every single time we go anywhere. And forget texting, guys. Pick up the phone, and talk to me. TALKING is so nice. Conversation is actually where I get to do my thing. I get to flirt, and make eye contact.. and touch. Chivalry, boys. Pay for the first date, and second. Jesus, didn’t your mommas teach you anything? I went out with this guy, who was amazing via text. I was convinced he was my next husband. I was so excited for our date, that I couldn’t even talk to anyone else the entire week.. but when I got to dinner, he was like a different person. Boo. What a total disappointment. I wasn’t me either. I was just well, bummed. And then, he said I wasn’t his type. lol. I was like, WTF. I am every one’s type. Maybe he doesn’t like blonds. Wait! I’m brunette, now! Call me? ha.
Truth be told, I have deleted my Tinder account. Yup. I did. Just couldn’t take it for another minute. While it was fun, it was stressful, and totally overwhelming, too. I was running out of clothes! Juggling guys, blow drying my hair every night, and putting on makeup for these Tinder-hotties was getting to be too fucking much. And the “interview” process.. over and over.. oy. Who wants to talk about themselves THAT much? Rhetorical, peeps. While I do love to talk about ME, I’d much rather do it on a computer screen.. in my pajamas, where no one talks back. And I don’t have to put out. ha. ;)