I’m so stressed out.
Isn’t Valentine’s Day the worst?
It’s so totally, and completely, well….
Red this, and pink that. Its like that little Cupid barfed up hearts all over my world. It’s worse than any other holiday for sure. Only because if you aren’t in love you are fucked. Right? Like just plain screwed! And if you are with someone, you have all this pressure to do the right thing. Or make it special, or romantic! Or bad-ass. Keep up with your friend’s Vday plans, or the dude down the block…or the girl that sits next to you at work. Shit. Jewelry, and flowers. Cards, and perfume…what do you do? Do you wait for a guy to ask you out, or do you ask a guy out…so you’re not alone, sitting there like a loser? Omg. I am sweating even thinking about Saturday night! Not for me, I’m cool. I have a date. But for you, like are you good to go? Do you have that special someone all picked out? Well, fuck! What are you waiting for…go! Run, don’t walk…
Or no, don’t. Because if you do ask a chick out for Valentine’s Day she will for sure think you want her. Damn. She will. I mean, if you called me tonight, and asked me out for Valentine’s Day, I would think you loved me. Yes. I would be like, call the Temple….this guy wants me like Jay-Z wants Beyonce. He is in looovvveee. Duh. Am I right? I am so right. So, don’t ask any girl out for Saturday night of this week. Or you are a fucking moron. Just sit home, and rub one out. No drama, no fancy dinner reservation…and no leading a girl on, making her believe you want her. When you clearly don’t. Jenna Jameson can be your Valentine. She is perfect, and she has zero expectations. Just you, Jenna…and your hand.
Oh no. But what if you are “dating”. Like kinda dating, for a few weeks. Or sorta with someone, in a “relationship”. And the big day is approaching. Do you dump the bitch? BEST IDEA. Knowing that Valentine’s Day is this Saturday, I would’ve started fighting with her around Monday at 5-ish. Start up with her about something really trivial, and meaningless. Like how she isn’t supportive of your “boys nights outs”. Yes. And then, wake her in the middle of the night for sex. When she is dead asleep. And get really mad when she won’t put out. If all things go to plan…she should dump you by Friday night, getting you out of both a gift, and dinner. She will hate you for life, but it will save you a shitload of money. And did you really like her that much anyhoo? No! She wasn’t supportive of your “boys nights outs”. And if I know her, she probably wasn’t very supportive of your golfing on Sundays either, am I right? Good riddance!
Well, besides the chocolate, and the pretty sweet deals on cards on Target…I think Valentine’s Day just sucks the big one. But I have to tell you a little secret, I got my guy the best gift ever! Because, for me…it’s not about getting gifts, and going to dinner…and all the hoopla. It’s about giving. And after being married for 13 years, this is my very first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend. So, I’m kinda excited to have someone to share it with! I am trying to push aside my hatred for the holiday. I painted my nails red. I painted my toes red. I bought sappy cards. And I even went as far as to make a dinner reservation at a romantic restaurant here in Charlotte. Yikes. Wish me luck.
Do you think he’s gonna know how much I love him? Like as much as Peppermint Patty loves Charlie Brown? I sure do hope so. ;)
Happy Valentine’s Day, all y’all! XOXO