I just don’t get it.

I mean, are we supposed to sit on opposite sides of the gym?

Should we swear at each other…

Roll our eyes, and say nasty things?

Give each other the silent treatment?

Flip each other off in carpool line?

How about we act like complete assholes in front of the entire JCC, just so all y’all can pick a side? What is this, Team Jen vs. Team Mark? Yes! That would be easier, and what everyone is used to. Come on, people! We are Happily Divorced, ok? That’s all. It’s not a shonda! We are not a Lifetime After School Special. Or a reality TV show. Really. I promise. It’s just so weird. It’s like we have a strange disease that no one on the planet has ever seen before. People don’t know exactly how to handle us. We are not lepers. We are not contagious. WE ARE HAPPILY DIVORCED. That’s it. Don’t be scared. lol. Mark and I are friends. Divorced couples really can raise their children together, and remain amicable. For reals. And it’s for our kids. All for our boys.

So, Mark and I were talking about this the other day…after sitting at our son’s basketball game. It was kinda funny, actually. Let me set the scene. I do it so well. Mark, me…and my man. All sitting at the JCC. Together. A couple rows apart. Well, me and Mr. B together, and Mark a few rows up. But not far, you get it? Zac, playing. And Jonah, talking to Mr. B. Yeesh. Maybe I’m not so good at this! Awkward, you say? haha. I guess, to most of you. But not to us. We are just doing what we think is best for our kids. And then, the buzzer goes off. Fucking so loud I wanted to die. And so, I yell out, “Jesus fuck! Think it was loud enough?” And of course, Mark screams down,”Well, it has to drown you out, Jen!” And I yell at him, and he says some bullshit to me. And it’s just like when we were married. Bickering, and going at it like brother and sister. Nice. And Mr. B looks at me, and laughs. Well, what the fuck? It’s just how we roll! And everyone is looking at us, and is most likely thinking…are you kidding? And we are laughing. And that’s life.

So, what is the role model for a happily divorced couple then? If it’s not us. I just want to know. Mark and I have our days, sure. Like yesterday, he actually texted me, and asked if we could sign our final divorce papers on our 14th anniversary. Yup. Not kidding.  He thought it was the greatest thing ever. He was so proud of himself, and his fab idea. I thought he was a total dick. But we both laughed, and figured it was kinda a silly thing to do. Going out on the same day we came in. Ha. Maybe, we freak other divorced people out. They are jealous their divorces are so ugly? Don’t be haters. And some of the guys I’ve dated have been super insecure. They think we are still “in love”, or we are going to get back together. omg. There is not a popsicles chance in hell. Or a snowballs. Whatever. In fact, I tell Mark everything about my men. And he tells me just about everything about his chickies. Well, not everything. But I bet he is having WAY more sex than he used to. Goddess knows, I am! And, he seems awfully happy these days! And we are happy when the other is happy. And it sucks when he is hurting. And he gets really upset when someone messes with me. I just have no idea why he won’t accept my “friend request” on Facebook. Jeez. Maybe I he gets enough of me in real life? Maybe he didn’t see it? I’ll just send it again. I mean, doesn’t everyone want to be my friend?

Anywhoo. I have to give him props. We get along pretty well. And truth be told, if two people can be divorced and be friendly, and raise their children together…it really kinda defeats the purpose of staying married at all. Especially if you can have lots of great sex! Yeesh. We kinda get to do it all, have free time sans kiddos…and fantastic sex. Wow. When you put it that way, sounds pretty fucking good, right? Not that I’m saying, all y’all should run out and get divorced! But if you are on the fence, and you are in a loveless, sexless marriage…

Think about it. Life is too dang short to be miserable. And unhappily married. Instead, be happily divorced. And don’t go one more day judging your marriage based on others around you. How do you feel in your life, with your spouse…in your bedroom. Mark actually told one of his friends that our marriage was over when I “whipped out the basal thermometer”. That was kinda funny. I figured it was over when I said having sex was like being with my brother, and he said…he would rather be with my brother. Now that is fucking hilarious. ;)

xo j

Tags: , , , , , , ,
  • stephanie


    • Jennifer Hurvitz Weintraub

      Thank you, girl! XO :)